Posted by mair on March 28, 2005, at 5:54:13
I'm pretty sure I'm in one as is my pdoc now and my T. I haven't felt this awful in years. I always go through low periods, but for the last umpteen years I've faced them (or tolerated them) with the confidence that my depressive feelings were transitory. And that's what I tend to say to every suicidal person on this Board.
I was slow on the uptake, but at some point I realized that I really was more depressed than usual, that it had gone on for longer than I knew, and, worst of all, that it was starting to feel permanent and hopeless. I probably let it go too long because I tend to think that poor functioning is a character defect, unrelated to an illness when in fact, according to my T, thinking this way is a symptom of my illness.
I've been trying to compare this to my last major episode. I had a hard time working then but I was naive enough not to know what was ahead and I just sort of turned myself over to my pdoc/T. Under no circumstances did I know then that I'd never really end my need for therapy. I do think I was more accepting of being ill too; not necessarily more forgiving, but at least willing to acknowledge to myself that I was sick.
This seems different because I know more now about how awful it can be and how long it can last. And with one kid in college and another only a year off, I feel so much more money pressure now than I did last time. So my poor functioning at work just gives rise to an awful level of anxiety, which of course paralyzes me from getting anything done, and I start wondering how much damage will have been done when/if i snap out of this. Waking up at 4 am on a sunday feeling panicked about the coming work week is no fun.
I've started a new med but it will be weeks before I know if it's going to work for me and I don't feel like I have weeks to wait - sometimes I don't feel like I can live for another hour much less weeks. Also I'm starting to sleep so poorly, so I'm just dragging around most of the time. My T is trying to be doubly supportive - calling me to check up on me a couple of times but I don't really know how to lean on her. I really mentally (and physically) isolate myself when I'm depressed, and I tend to think that our sessions now aren't very productive because I can't constructively stick with one topic anyway. So calling her when things seem unbearable doesn't seem like it would be helpful.
It's been hard for me to think about posting here too. I feel like I do too much whining here and with so much anxiety and not alot of concentration, I have some trouble following through with threads.
I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until "this", whatever it is, has passed and I can get my old, very imperfect, self back. She wasn't real productive either, but she had her better moments.
So that's where I am.
Mair
poster:mair
thread:476635
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/476635.html