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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Dinah on March 3, 2005, at 13:37:23
In reply to missing my ex t, posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 13:29:04
Posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 13:45:41
In reply to ((((pinkeye)))) I can't imagine. (nm) » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on March 3, 2005, at 13:37:23
thanks Dinah. it has been kind of a recurrent dream for sometime now.. not exact same dream, but theme has been the same. I don't know why I feel that way.
Posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 16:21:55
In reply to missing my ex t, posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 13:29:04
You just said so well, your dream told you in such perfect terms, what I've always been afraid of too.
Posted by Aphrodite on March 3, 2005, at 16:23:29
In reply to missing my ex t, posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 13:29:04
I hate dreams like that -- they can feel so real.
Did something happen that stirred up some feelings about your ex-T?
Posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 16:31:46
In reply to Re: missing my ex t » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 16:21:55
> You just said so well, your dream told you in such perfect terms, what I've always been afraid of too.
It is just so goddamn scary.. I don't know why I keep having dreams like this. And I cry when I have dreams like this. I want to get over it and move on. I somehow want to make it irrelevant to myself what he thinks of me..
Posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 16:37:19
In reply to Re: missing my ex t » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 16:31:46
Yes, it's why I keep pounding away at my T's glass mind ...
I wish I could help you. Maybe there's no filling up from outside, maybe there's no one who could ever do enough to convince us to love ourselves. Is that it?
I just wish they'd try, by saying the right thing, at the right time, just once. You know?
Posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 16:40:35
In reply to Re: missing my ex t » pinkeye, posted by Aphrodite on March 3, 2005, at 16:23:29
> I hate dreams like that -- they can feel so real.
>
> Did something happen that stirred up some feelings about your ex-T?Nothing really happened.. yesterday I was thinking my life is as perfect as it could ever be now. But in my current therapy, my current therapist is saying now how being forced to be a daddy's girl ended up confusing me a lot about relationships with men. my father loved me so much, that for a long time he almost unconsciously kept me all to himself. He wouldn't let me talk to any of my relatives, friends, even my mother. And I had to be kind of an emotional companion to him for a long time. I grew up too quickly to satisfy his emotional needs. I kind of ended up being my father's closest friend. My current therapist says that itself leads to lot of anger and frustration and inability to connect to people or men of my age who are available to me. I was not abused though.
But I am 28 now, and I have been out of my home ever since 1993, so it shouldn't really matter now. But my new T keeps saying that it put me in extremely difficult situation as a child and if I don't work on it and revisit it now, I will never recover from it.
But I don't know what that would have to do with this recurrent dream.
Posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 16:44:24
In reply to Re: missing my ex t, posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 16:37:19
Maybe you are right.. it should come from within us perhaps and nobody could ever convince us really. I am too blank today. No insight at all. But I am really scared.
Posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 16:46:23
In reply to Re: missing my ex t » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 16:31:46
Therapists just have so much power, they have a great deal of power over us because we're just so insecure. When they leave us feeling bad about ourselves, as mine did and I suspect yours did on some level too, it's not a matter of us just being able to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off. And it makes me angry and upset to think that's what my therapist did to me, because I wasn't able to vocalize my inability to fight for therapy, to fight for what I needed to get from him, in any other way than a roundabout method, and he did not get the message, he just did not understand.
I get so angry with him, his dishonesty and his inability in telling me how to back off without hurting me .. but I love him, too, and don't get mad at me for saying that, but I do, I love him and I want to protect him because I don't believe he meant to hurt me. I believe he was a good person but I don't know, maybe he isn't as mentally healthy as I thought he was.
I do know definitely from what he said to me, that he sees people like me as being somehow deficient, or lacking. Less than. Timothy Findley says this in his play Stillborn Lover, "You've just revealed a prejudice you didn't know you had". I wonder how many T's and Psych's have that prejudice.
Posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 16:52:02
In reply to Re: missing my ex t, posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 16:37:19
And saying that, saying something nice to someone, isn't filling them up, but it's letting them know you accept them. And there are people who really don't understand that, and it's a shame. Because they never have enough nice things to say about anybody. They have trouble accepting, and it's a shame but I know there are therapists like that.
Posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 16:53:49
In reply to Re: missing my ex t » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 16:46:23
But my ex T didn't do absolutely anything to even cause me the slightest harm. He was very very nice and gentle.
That is why it is hard for me to understand why I feel this way. Why I feel he didn't like me at all. Why I keep feeling that he hated me and wanted me to leave him. I don't know why I have to think like this. He has not shown even the slightest hint that he didn't like me or anything.
Posted by 10derHeart on March 3, 2005, at 16:56:19
In reply to missing my ex t, posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 13:29:04
I'm sorry, pinkeye. Dreams can be so powerful and it's the lingering on that really gets to me. Recurring, too? That might make me begin to dread going to sleep...yikes.
This may be a clumsy way to describe this, but your unconscious is maybe "at war" a bit with the more centered, confident, optimistic, giving pinkeye that I've detected in your recent posts. Maybe trying to drag you back somewhere...but I'm not quite getting a picture of why....unless something did happen lately?
Don't I recall you posting quite a bit - a while back - about this being such a persistent and painful fear - that he just didn't like you, but "had" to care for you in the ways he did? If I'm remembering close to right, posters reminded you of his actions speaking louder than anything -how much support he gave "above and beyond" and how that says everything about him liking you, despite that nagging, inner doubt. At least that's how I would roughly paraphrase what I recall.
I really, really feel for you on this. You know I do as I am still detaching VERY slowly from ex-T. 8 months post-termination. You and I share some awfully similar descriptions, feelings, and struggles, though at different points on a timeline. Wish I could make it hurt less. It's just hard period, I guess. Don't take this wrong, but your posts about it scared me and affirmed things for me, all at once. You understand the scary part, I think, 'cause you posted to me some wise things to expect, or look out for.
Wonderful blessings like T.s willing to treat each termination as unique to that person, and take a risk maintaining contact, can also be burdens, too. Like many other things in life. If only we could hang onto just the blessing part a little tighter, and release the sad, doubting other stuff. I am in the midst of it all myself.
Don't know what else to say right now. I wish that dream to go away for you. IMO, it simply represents your worst fears, not anything true or real. Wish I could talk to your unconscious - I'd tell it to stop that if there's no good purpose - enough is enough. ((pinkeye))
Posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 17:08:12
In reply to Re: missing my ex t » pinkeye, posted by 10derHeart on March 3, 2005, at 16:56:19
Thank you so much 10derHeart. I do remember the thread a while back where Dinah and Susan and others made me see things clearly.
And thanks for remembering that. You have written this very well and it is very comforting. Maybe it is just my worst fears. but somehow I want to grow up, not be hurt, to be there for myself and for others and I believed I was completely over it.. And poor guy, he didn't do absolutely anything wrong. You are right, if anything he went above and beyond to help me. But I still have that insecurity somehow.. that he did it just for duty..it is not going away and I am not able to come to peace with this thing.
Maybe time will heal more.. I wish this dream would stop. Why should I feel so very insecure I never understand..But it shooks me to the core.
Posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 17:11:57
In reply to Re: missing my ex t, posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 16:52:02
I feel sorry for you too Susan. Somehow you had a bad experience with your T, and I wish I could make that go away for you. Maybe if you connect deeply with this new T that you have, and be able to have a different outcome, you will heal a lot more. I wish the new person will take a lot of that hurt away from you.
I am hurt too - but mine is a different type of hurt. It comes from myself, not from him..
Posted by messadivoce on March 3, 2005, at 17:17:33
In reply to missing my ex t, posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 13:29:04
Pinkeye, I am sorry. I too have had dreams about my ex T and they really left me feeling shaken. It's frustrating, isn't it, to think you're doing "all better" and then suddenly you're back into the abyss. I keep telling myself that relaps are a part of the process...I hope you can remember that. Hang in there.
Posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 17:32:53
In reply to Re: missing my ex t » pinkeye, posted by messadivoce on March 3, 2005, at 17:17:33
thank you. it is very hard to let go of a T. I am realizing more and more everyday. It is very difficult to pick myself up and fill the emptiness by myself.
Posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 17:52:46
In reply to Re: missing my ex t, posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 16:52:02
your ex therapist is here right ? will you be able to go and meet him once more and explain the hurt that you are still going through? maybe kind of give him one more chance? and explain everything in detail? will that work?
I am hurt too, but I am not angry, and I know it is a much more soft hurt that I have. But you are struggling more than I do, and somehow I wish I could make that go away for you.
Posted by Dinah on March 3, 2005, at 18:34:53
In reply to Re: missing my ex t » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 16:53:49
But on some level, a termination feels like abandonment. To everyone I think, and no matter what the circumstances. Logically you know that it had nothing to do with how he felt about you. But the very act of termination probably causes a very little part of all of us cry "What did I do to make Mom/Dad/Therapist leave????"
Posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 18:42:20
In reply to Re: missing my ex t » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 17:52:46
Right now I need the biggest hug you can imagine. Nothing can ever be the same for me again. I'm sorry.
Posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 18:45:07
In reply to Re: missing my ex t » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on March 3, 2005, at 18:34:53
> But on some level, a termination feels like abandonment. To everyone I think, and no matter what the circumstances. Logically you know that it had nothing to do with how he felt about you. But the very act of termination probably causes a very little part of all of us cry "What did I do to make Mom/Dad/Therapist leave????"
>
>
Yeah that is so very true. I do feel very abandoned. I feel I did everything right, yet he never liked me.it is very confusing. I was the one who initially told him I wanted to stop writing and keep only minimal contact. I was the one who told him that writing to him was taking a lot of emotional involvment for me. But now I feel abandoned.
Posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 18:47:17
In reply to Re: missing my ex t, posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 18:42:20
> Right now I need the biggest hug you can imagine. Nothing can ever be the same for me again. I'm sorry.
Here you have it - a big bear hug from me.
But I don't understand the second and third line of your post though. What do you mean by "Nothing can ever be the same for me again. I'm sorry". Why sorry?
Posted by Dinah on March 3, 2005, at 18:48:33
In reply to Re: missing my ex t » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 18:45:07
Of course you do.
I think it's part of loss.
I know Daddy certainly didn't want to die, yet...
But just because you "feel" like he didn't like you, doesn't mean he didn't like you. Can you tell yourself that you feel that way, and it s*cks, and there are reasons you feel that way, but also keep in mind all the wonderful things he did that he wouldn't have done if he had disliked you.
Posted by Dinah on March 3, 2005, at 18:49:38
In reply to Re: missing my ex t, posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 18:42:20
Perhaps not the biggest hug, but the biggest one the subject line would allow.
Posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 18:57:00
In reply to Re: missing my ex t » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on March 3, 2005, at 18:48:33
Yeah it is true. I just feel that way. Maybe it is a behaviour I picked up with my dad. He kept setting standards for me and asking me to achieve higher and higher, and I did all that. And I felt for a very long time, that my dad didn't approve of me howmuchever I did for him. And I did achieve a lot.. but somehow he kept asking me to go further and further. Whatever I did was never enough. Only after I cracked down completely and became depressed he stopped asking me to achieve futher. Even now, I feel he never unconditionally loves me.. I always had to earn it.
I remember when I first came to this country I used to feel so very bad with my pain, and I would feel so lonely and nobody to even talk to, and I would call up my father and cry my heart out, but my father will keep asking me to hang on and go on.
I sometimes feel like that now with my therapist.. I did everything he asked me to, yet he never approves of me, and doesn't like me. I know it is wrong to compare the two and my therapist was never like my dad, but somehow, that is what I feel.
Posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 19:04:56
In reply to ((((((((((((((((((((((((Susan))))))))))))))))))))) » Susan47, posted by Dinah on March 3, 2005, at 18:49:38
I saw him and he seems very very angry with me, although he denies it. I don't know if I'm imagining it or not. I've been delusional before, about lots of things. A LOT of things. That's what he knows about me, too. And I think he would use it to break me. Just now, sitting there at his counter and avoiding my gaze, asking me "Is there something I can do for you?" that told me just how delusional my thinking was, but I don't know, I could be being delusional about that as well. I wish there were a third person, an invisible eye, an observer, of everything that's gone on, so I'd know the truth. It hurts to think Pinkeye's dream could be true for me, the things I've seen in the relationship that point in that direction, many many things. I wish I weren't so full of self-loathing after seeing my reflection in his eyes, today. I wish I were never born.
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