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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on February 28, 2005, at 18:50:11
One of the problems with me always had been that I do things very well if asked of me by others - mostly some authority figure in my life. But I always had trouble in finding out things I want to do for myself - finding out meaning for myself in life. I always would do things for others and expect them to keep holding standards for me and pat on my back when I get them done well.
My current thearpist believes it is part of a pattern that I grew up with - always doing things to please my father - who wouldn't give me his approval for anything less than living up to his expectations.
But I don't want to keep blaming my father for
it. I have become aware of my pattern of behaviour, and have tried to change it as much as I could. But somehow it is not still fully done. I do like to do a lot of things that I am doing now, but somehow I feel little bit of void - a tiny bit of not being able to define what I want in life for myself.. I keep looking for somebody I like to tell me what they want me to do in my life and keep expecting them to like me when I do it well.Anybody else felt that?
Posted by Dinah on March 1, 2005, at 2:15:36
In reply to Creating meaning in life for myself, posted by pinkeye on February 28, 2005, at 18:50:11
Yeah.
I think that's one of the many reasons I miss Daddy.
My therapist was trying to get me to call my psychiatrist for meds the other day, and I was trying to get him to say that he wanted me to do it, that it would make him happy. But he thought I was trying to get him to say that he didn't want me to, that he wasn't trying to get rid of me or make it easier for him by medicating me.
What I really meant was that when I feel lousy, I'm not likely to do anything for myself. But I'm more likely to do something to please someone I care about.
It's not that Daddy had enormously high expectations. He had reasonable ones I think. But he also liked to be taken care of. If I took care of him, he was happy and rewarded me by taking care of me too. And I always had the spectre of what to expect if I didn't make him happy by how he treated my mother and brother.
I have to care about the person though, and have some feeling that they care about me.
Is that really so bad?
Posted by pinkeye on March 1, 2005, at 13:13:46
In reply to Re: Creating meaning in life for myself » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on March 1, 2005, at 2:15:36
It isn't really that bad I feel. Of course man is a social being as they say, and I believe it is the right way to live for one anohter - taking care of each other, and doing things for each other, living up to certain expectations by others. And being cared for and care about in return.
But I believe there is a fine line between that and expecting others to fill your void ALL THE TIME and expecting only others to give even the basic meaning to your life and give you approval for each and everything. The first one seems to be a good thing to do, the second one seems to be a not healthy thing to do.
It is perhaps a range from 0 - 100 - as long as we are comfortable where we are and we get what we want, we are fine. Only when our expectations are not getting met, or we are not comfortable with where we are and something feels wrong, that we need to look in and change.
But I still don't know how to though - I believe I am getting closer and closer to where I want to be.
Posted by pinkeye on March 1, 2005, at 19:26:39
In reply to Re: Creating meaning in life for myself » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on March 1, 2005, at 13:13:46
I think I have found the answer. I think I don't allow myself in some way to draw meaning for myself even when things do mean a lot to me. I do feel good about several things, but I keep expecting others to say that I am doing good before I allow myself to feel happy about it. Almost as if I don't trust myself enough to know what is right and what is wrong, and what should give me happiness and what shouldn't. Maybe it has to do with self respect and self approval.
No wonder I lack it, my father never encouraged me to give the approval for myself. He always assumed the role of supplying the approval and asking me just to do things for his approval.
Posted by pinkeye on March 1, 2005, at 19:35:15
In reply to Re: Creating meaning in life for myself » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on March 1, 2005, at 19:26:39
My God, I am discovering so much of my behaviour. I did that to the point, where even if I was happy, I needed someone to tell me I am doing a good job of being happy. Otherwise I will stop being happy. I needed someone to approve me even to be happy. What have I done?
Posted by fallsfall on March 1, 2005, at 21:12:17
In reply to Re: Creating meaning in life for myself, posted by pinkeye on March 1, 2005, at 19:35:15
You are not alone!!!
But it is a pretty complicated thing to get past... At least you are aware now.
Good luck!
This is the end of the thread.
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