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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on January 30, 2005, at 12:55:30
to this site, I can't get it off my mind, and it's the only thing that makes me feel good, that and a good toke. What am I addicted to? Do I just like being intuitive, and the mj does that for me, and I just like being an open nerve.
64Bowtie, your insights are scary, they unnerve me, above, I dislike the idea of reducing everything to its organic nature.
Life is so much more than that, and it's all lived up here, behind the eyes.
Posted by Susan47 on January 30, 2005, at 13:30:46
In reply to Addicted, posted by Susan47 on January 30, 2005, at 12:55:30
I've been intermittently high for three days listening to the same Sarah McLaghlan CD over and over and over, feeling good, moving to music, letting myself drift to a different place .. I'm a teen again, I'm a teenager, in love for the first time, who or what am I in love with? I think about everything, mostly I want to be sailing my boat in the sun, with the music in my ears, feeling the wind and the ocean, anchor for the night in a quiet bay, the sounds of the evening bird a caress to my ears, reflections of water on the hull ... people to share it with, wine, talk and laughter ... lulled to sleep by lovemaking and the ocean gods....
Posted by Susan47 on January 31, 2005, at 11:27:44
In reply to Re: Addicted, posted by Susan47 on January 30, 2005, at 13:30:46
now I've gone and humiliated myself again. Will it never end? Is my neediness a bottomless pit that will chew me up and spit me out in pieces, forever?????
Posted by sunny10 on January 31, 2005, at 13:11:35
In reply to Oh god, now I've done it,, posted by Susan47 on January 31, 2005, at 11:27:44
nah, you'll be okay. We're always hear to listen!
Posted by Susan47 on January 31, 2005, at 16:47:18
In reply to Re: Oh god, now I've done it,, posted by sunny10 on January 31, 2005, at 13:11:35
I'm so disconnected from my family, my children... my children who are suffering and hurt because of who I am. I have a meaningless existence with no connections to anybody, I belong to no one and no one belongs to me, I can't think straight about anything and I feel worthless, like a bottomless pit of need.. I just really need to die, I just really need to. Why should life why should living hurt this much?
Posted by pinkeye on January 31, 2005, at 16:52:45
In reply to Re: Oh god, now I've done it,, posted by Susan47 on January 31, 2005, at 16:47:18
Maybe it is still not late to start all over again?
All of us go through drastic embarassments and falls in life. We mess up big time in lot of things. Only thing we can do to ourselves and to our family is to make sure that we pick ourselves up and go on. Take little steps - one at a time, and you should be on your way to recovery.
> I'm so disconnected from my family, my children... my children who are suffering and hurt because of who I am. I have a meaningless existence with no connections to anybody, I belong to no one and no one belongs to me, I can't think straight about anything and I feel worthless, like a bottomless pit of need.. I just really need to die, I just really need to. Why should life why should living hurt this much?
Posted by 10derHeart on January 31, 2005, at 18:18:07
In reply to Re: Oh god, now I've done it,, posted by Susan47 on January 31, 2005, at 16:47:18
> I'm so disconnected from my family, my children... my children who are suffering and hurt because of who I am. I have a meaningless existence with no connections to anybody, I belong to no one and no one belongs to me, I can't think straight about anything and I feel worthless, like a bottomless pit of need.. I just really need to die, I just really need to. Why should life why should living hurt this much?
((((Susan))))
Sorry you are going through these awful ups and downs. I've been lurking, reading, hurting for you, never knowing anything soothing to say. But please, sweetie, please know you CAN start over, you CAN take the baby steps like pinkeye mentioned. You may feel you *want* to die sometimes, many of us can SO relate to that. But Susan, you know that part will pass. Hang on. You know those beautiful children would suffer IMMENSELY more from your death. You know that. Right?
And I know you mean IRL, but Susan, you do belong to a warm, loving community at Babble, and we belong to you. We really do. No, it's not the same. But it is what it is - and it's something. It is something. And I challenge you to tell me you can't name one thing or person - not one single one - that you're connected to IRL? I know you can. It's just not good enough, or close enough right now. But it CAN be some day. I'm working toward that day, too. We must not give up - hope is everything.
You are so strong and good. I have a TON of faith in your ability to push that hurt away, fight it, feel it, do self-therapy on it, Babble about it - but ultimately - triumph over it. Some hurt is NOT going to do in Susan47 - NO WAY!
Anyone who can rejoice in dancing naked, love her children like you do and write with such passion and beauty, and try so hard to help others, MUST stay alive.
Beause we all need her in this world with us. ((((Susan))))
(hope I wasn't harsh - I just am so passionate about the worthy, lovable woman I see in your posts - along with the suffering one - I see her, I hear her.....truly I do...)
Posted by Susan47 on January 31, 2005, at 18:34:14
In reply to Re: Oh god, now I've done it, » Susan47, posted by 10derHeart on January 31, 2005, at 18:18:07
You're making me feel like maybe my life is worth something after all. And now I'm crying like a some-of-a-b*tch.
This morning I listened to Jewel's autobiography and that girl and I have shared so much in our different lives, I mean, our fathers and our childhood experiences resonate with each other, she talks about stuff with her father that I talked about last year with my T, in exactly the same way, she says practically word for word what I was saying, and she's twenty years younger than I am, why did she get that extra element that made her able to be successful and wise, wise long long before I did, when I was just dream-walking through my life, I was just a mess, an utter hopeless case, someone who didn't know her *ss from a hole in the ground, someone who squandered twenty years being tortured from falling in love with her first husband, a complete and utter mess of a man, a man who ruined her ... Percy Shelley was such a man, he was a man who ruined a woman ... a selfish, egocentric, immature romantic ....
Posted by Susan47 on January 31, 2005, at 18:35:58
In reply to Re: Oh god, now I've done it, » Susan47, posted by 10derHeart on January 31, 2005, at 18:18:07
Why do I feel this way? I hate that I feel this way, I hate that I've been made a buffoon by loving the wrong people, all my life I've loved the wrong people. And they've destroyed me. All of them. Totally destroyed me. I can't eat, sleep, or think properly anymore.
Posted by Susan47 on February 4, 2005, at 16:31:07
In reply to Re: Oh god, now I've done it,, posted by pinkeye on January 31, 2005, at 16:52:45
I'm re-reading this horrible thread I posted last week and I wanted to say how grateful I am to people like you, pinkeye, who help me move through and get on with it. I just wanted you to know how I appreciate what you had to say.
Susan.
Posted by Susan47 on February 4, 2005, at 16:33:55
In reply to Re: Oh god, now I've done it, » Susan47, posted by 10derHeart on January 31, 2005, at 18:18:07
You, too, 10derheart, I took you for granted .. I'm sorry. You're special to me and I would miss you terribly if you left, I hope you're one of the babblers who are staying on.
Posted by 10derHeart on February 4, 2005, at 21:25:46
In reply to Re: Oh god, now I've done it, » 10derHeart, posted by Susan47 on February 4, 2005, at 16:33:55
Why, I don't feel taken for granted in any way whatsoever. And you have nothing to be sorry for with me, Susan.
You just keep up the fight. Good to see you posting all over. Something so special and unique comes through in your posts, even when you are hurting so badly. We are close in age, so for that reason alone, I feel I sometimes understand a bit of the frustrations, disappointments, regrets, etc.
You are one who is going to make it through to the other side, whenever and however- you will. Even if it feels like a baptism in fire - over and over again. Just stick here so we all can share the stumbles and the triumphs together.
As for me, I'm not going anywhere away from Babble. No way. Nope. New kinds of boards or whatever. Just too stubborn. Staying right here. You, too, I presume?
Posted by Susan47 on February 5, 2005, at 9:54:55
In reply to Re: Oh god, now I've done it, » Susan47, posted by 10derHeart on February 4, 2005, at 21:25:46
Posted by pinkeye on February 7, 2005, at 14:36:15
In reply to Re: Oh god, now I've done it, » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 4, 2005, at 16:31:07
don't worry about it. thank you. hope you are better.
Posted by Susan47 on February 7, 2005, at 15:03:39
In reply to Re: Oh god, now I've done it,, posted by Susan47 on January 31, 2005, at 16:47:18
For those who tried to help me when I posted this, I wanted to tell you that today and yesterday were better. I think this whole two days, is the first time I went more than 24 hours without calling my ex-therapist's machine to hear The Voice. And to feel the connection, without which I thought previously that I'd die, really cease to exist. It's a small miracle.
I spent three days on and off in the company of my children when it wasn't my weekend, just because we enjoyed each other.
Today when I picked them up at lunchtime and walked them home, we all held hands, naturally, unself-consciously.
This is a bit scary to say,
but I think I felt... hope.
For the first time in many, many months.
Susan
Posted by 10derHeart on February 7, 2005, at 16:29:53
In reply to Re: Oh god, now I've done it,, posted by Susan47 on February 7, 2005, at 15:03:39
Susan,
That's wonderful!! Hang onto the feeling, if you can, even when they aren't with you. I love when you post about your children. It always makes me smile.
PS - And, if I may give a tiny bit of advice from experience with my very similar emotions re: x-T....IF you call the machine again, it really IS okay. These times of change/growth are not linear. One step forward, two steps back, etc., is NORMAL. We are not machines; we are so very human, and allowed to take a crooked path. So, just in case you do, that will be OK, too. Doesn't mean you failed, or that you'll start doing it at your previous frequency. Hope it was ok for me to say that. It just so closely mirrors my struggles with email/don't email my ex-T. Still actually going on now, and still an up and down thing. But the HOPE is everything, isn't it?!! ((Susan))
Posted by Susan47 on February 7, 2005, at 18:25:30
In reply to Re: Oh god, now I've done it, » Susan47, posted by 10derHeart on February 7, 2005, at 16:29:53
This is the end of the thread.
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