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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by anastasia56 on January 9, 2005, at 23:37:23
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by lonelygal on January 9, 2005, at 22:56:23
embarrassment isn't a good reason to keep from talking to someone. embarrasment has kept me from asking for the change a clerk shorted me, or other things that were rightfully mine...and now when i look back on all the times i was shortchanged because i was too embarrased, well you see what i mean. Of all things, you have a right to ask for help and not be embarrassed.
as far as you being a mean person not deserving of help. Nope. I really don't like people that much and time and time again they come out of the woodwork to help me when i need it. So if a non-deserving person like me gets help, you have a right to that too. Think of all the people out there taking up a decent therapists time when it could be you.
this therapist you really liked. What happened to her when she graduated? did she open her own practice? Is she around there anywhere? She probably has a phone and if she knew you just needed her to help you over a rough period and not get married or anything she might help you. What do you have to lose? All she can do is say no and let's face it you can't feel much worse than you do now.
Posted by fallsfall on January 10, 2005, at 6:59:30
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by lonelygal on January 9, 2005, at 22:56:23
No, it doesn't sound weird at all. I have felt that I was bad (evil) and needed to be punished. But slowly (painfully slowly), people are showing me that I'm *not* bad, and that they *do* care.
I guess I used to say "People like me because they don't know the *real* me". I was sure that if they knew who I really was that they would see my "bad-ness", and reject me. I still fight with this, but I guess that now I am able to see that in general, I'm not "bad" - but there are still specific aspects of myself that still seem "bad" to me. The process has been (and still is) difficult. But I guess it boils down to hearing from other people that one small part of me isn't so awful (for me, this was that I can be a good friend). Eventually, I could sort of see myself that this one small part of me wasn't awful. I can distinctly remember taking inventory of my self and saying "I am a good friend, and an acceptable mother - those are my only good qualities". Over time, my friends and my therapists have been able to help me to see that I do have some good qualities. And as they have accepted me, I have shown some of the more secret parts of myself to a very few, and (much to my surprise) they still like me.
Today I will go to therapy and we will talk about yet another part of me that feels like it is "bad" (I am bad (evil) if I don't understand something). I can see intellectually that not understanding doesn't make me bad, but I feel so strongly inside that it does. So I'm not done yet with my battle to see that I am worthwhile, but I have come a long way. And for a long time I was sure that I could never feel better about myself.
Look honestly at yourself. Is there anything that you do or are that is good or helpful? Maybe you really love your dog, and you can tell that he is so happy when you pat him. Or maybe you can fix some nasty problem at work when noone else can (are you good with copy machines? I really need a person who knows how to make them work...). Maybe you have a flower box outside your window and you make sure that it is always looking pretty. When we are feeling so badly it is hard to see the one part of us that is good, helpful, pleasant, pretty. But please do look. If you still can't see anything, then tell us a little about yourself, maybe we can see something in you that is hard for you to see.
I'm sorry that your therapist had to leave. She didn't leave *you* - she left her position. She didn't leave because of you. You just happened to be hurt by the progression of her life. I'm sorry about that, and I bet that she is sorry about that, too. What did *she* see in you that she liked?
Keep posting, please.
Posted by caraher on January 10, 2005, at 11:11:31
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by lonelygal on January 9, 2005, at 22:56:23
> i want somoene to hurt me somehow if that makes sense, so i dont have to. i need to be hurt b/c everything hurts and it only makes sense that it hurts b/c i need to be punished.
> i sound like a weirdo probably. d@mn.I've felt exactly this way myself. You're not a weirdo, you're someone in pain, a pain I've felt too. I don't know you well but I'm sure your life has much more value than you feel right now... it's your disease talking, not reality. We - all of us here, and you and I - share a struggle, and we share your pain and truly care. Please stay safe and don't give in to the lies your illness tells you.
Posted by Joslynn on January 10, 2005, at 13:11:27
In reply to i want to die., posted by lonelygal on January 9, 2005, at 19:45:24
If you have plans and want to carry them out, please go to the ER first.
(I totally know how you feel by the way. But your body/brain/meds are failing you in some way and you need people who can help you. If it's more of a passive wish, maybe you are ok not going somewhere, but if you have plans like you say and the means, then I think it is the time to see an ER pdoc etc.)
hang in there.
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:02:57
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by Joslynn on January 10, 2005, at 13:11:27
i'm pissed off. yesterday i left a message for a new student t person i had seen twice a couple weeks ago and she never called me back today. i would have told her anything yesterday, but now after all day hoping she would call, even if she does call, i just dont think it matters... i just feel like noone will ever be there for me. i am being too needy i know.
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:08:01
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by fallsfall on January 10, 2005, at 6:59:30
i see what you are saying about trying to find some stuff that you are good at, but i am always furious with myself if i'm not PERFECT at everything. all i see is all that i've messed up. i feel like even if i am good at one small minute thing, that that is rather insignficant, b/c well the majority of me is flawed.. or more like that i have messed up everything.. that i should have been better or known better or acted differently or whatever.
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:13:40
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by Joslynn on January 10, 2005, at 13:11:27
umm i am too scared to go to the er. i dunno what to expect. does anyone know what it is like?
right now i just feel very very numb and too tired to do anything i guess. not like all of last night. i just know that if one more bad thing goes wrong (like an argument on the phone) i'm gonna go back to that state. cuz right now i just really dont' care.
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:15:07
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:02:57
I honestly think this person didn't get the message or is extremely busy. Don't take it personlly. but If you don't hear from her tomorrow morning I would call and leave another message emphasizing the importance and urgency of meeting. I don't think you are being needy, I think it is really unfrtunate she didn't call back. Im really sorry, i know the feeling of waiting for that call that never comes and you depend on it. If you are feeling embarrased for needing someone just make a joke and say it right out- Im feeling so needy I really need someone right now. It clears tha air and i have found it helpful b/c people usually then know how to handle the situation.
I hope you are feeling a little better than last night.
rain
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:16:24
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by caraher on January 10, 2005, at 11:11:31
but i feel like i should be able to deal with everything better. that i'm being stupid by caring. i don't want to be in pain. i think my being hurt is my own fault for not being strong.
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:20:15
In reply to Re: i want to die. » Joslynn, posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:13:40
have you ever been to hospital before as an inpatient?
It is really not that bad going to er. You just go and tell them you are feeling unsafe. they will put you in a private room and you wait for teh doc or shrink to come and they assess you. sometimes it is useful just to go and talk to the doc. I think it is treated sortof separately from the 'medical' patients, like there is a specific nurse and such.
if you feel unsafe you really should go.
thinking about you :)
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:26:05
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:15:07
i guess i should say something like that in a message to her... i just feel dumb b/c i feel like i have sort of lost all faith in her, even if not for a really good reason... and if i asked to meet with her now, like say i really need to see someone, i woudl feel even more dumb and embarassed and mad at myself if i show up and don't talk (which is what i tend to do always when i'm uncomfortable). like i lied and don't need to see her.
and if i'm honest with myself, i am really thinking how could she help me anyways? i want something to change now or i am going to have a very hard time trying to make it. and what can a stranger really do for someone in a 50 minute appointment. i know i'm being very cynical, sorry if i'm offending anyone. i'm just not in a good mood.
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:29:24
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:20:15
nope i have never been.
umm thanks. you and everyone else are being way too nice to me.
> have you ever been to hospital before as an inpatient?
> It is really not that bad going to er. You just go and tell them you are feeling unsafe. they will put you in a private room and you wait for teh doc or shrink to come and they assess you. sometimes it is useful just to go and talk to the doc. I think it is treated sortof separately from the 'medical' patients, like there is a specific nurse and such.
> if you feel unsafe you really should go.
> thinking about you :)
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:42:51
In reply to Re: i want to die. » rainbowbrite, posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:29:24
no we aren't everyone cares.
i have gone to er twice so things could be differnet than what i described?
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:46:24
In reply to Re: i want to die. » rainbowbrite, posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:26:05
you could tell her exactly what you posted. They understand they see all sorts of people and personalities. i really hope you leave her a message explaining how bad you are feeling. When you see her just let her know that you are having a hard time verbalizing your feelings, and that you just feel really bad.
i hope this helps
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 22:33:52
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by anastasia56 on January 9, 2005, at 23:37:23
i thought i had replied to this post, but realized i hadn't...
not asking for change when a clerk screwed up... yeah i do that all the time.. i just say to myself oh well.
they say that my old t isn't liscensed yet, that's why she can't talk to me.. b/c she isn't associated with the clinic anymore cuz she's not a student and not independent either.... not sure i buy it.. but i think i must be super annoying and its in her best interest to stay away anyways. it just really hurts.
> embarrassment isn't a good reason to keep from talking to someone. embarrasment has kept me from asking for the change a clerk shorted me, or other things that were rightfully mine...and now when i look back on all the times i was shortchanged because i was too embarrased, well you see what i mean. Of all things, you have a right to ask for help and not be embarrassed.
>
> as far as you being a mean person not deserving of help. Nope. I really don't like people that much and time and time again they come out of the woodwork to help me when i need it. So if a non-deserving person like me gets help, you have a right to that too. Think of all the people out there taking up a decent therapists time when it could be you.
>
> this therapist you really liked. What happened to her when she graduated? did she open her own practice? Is she around there anywhere? She probably has a phone and if she knew you just needed her to help you over a rough period and not get married or anything she might help you. What do you have to lose? All she can do is say no and let's face it you can't feel much worse than you do now.
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 22:38:46
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:46:24
earlier i thought i would try to call again, but now i'm just so mad again at my old t's leaving that i dont want to start anything new and i dont have faith in anything helping anyways... i think i am really just mentally messed up and that it's bad for me to ask her for help.
i appreciate your posting to me though.
> you could tell her exactly what you posted. They understand they see all sorts of people and personalities. i really hope you leave her a message explaining how bad you are feeling. When you see her just let her know that you are having a hard time verbalizing your feelings, and that you just feel really bad.
> i hope this helps
Posted by shrinking violet on January 11, 2005, at 16:12:58
In reply to Re: i want to die. » rainbowbrite, posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 22:38:46
Having similar feelings as you today, for some unknown reason (ironically, was feeling much better last week; today i'm down again), so I'm sorry I can't offer much in the way of constructive advice. Just try to take care of yourself and stay safe. Email me if you need to, and I'll be on AIM.
Hugs to you.sv
Posted by judy1 on January 11, 2005, at 17:59:17
In reply to Re: i want to die. » rainbowbrite, posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 22:38:46
just hoping you had a better day today. were you able to get some help from a therp? it IS difficult to lose a therp, and anyone would need a new one to help handle the grief.
take care, judy
Posted by lonelygal on January 11, 2005, at 19:46:33
In reply to how are you feeling today? » lonelygal, posted by judy1 on January 11, 2005, at 17:59:17
i called new one again and left a message and she hasn't called. i'm giving up.
i went to work today and am tryign to ignore everything that i feel although it's hard. thanks for asking though.
> just hoping you had a better day today. were you able to get some help from a therp? it IS difficult to lose a therp, and anyone would need a new one to help handle the grief.
> take care, judy
Posted by CareBear04 on January 12, 2005, at 3:49:06
In reply to i want to die., posted by lonelygal on January 9, 2005, at 19:45:24
hey lonelygal-- i didn't read all the responses to your post, but obviously you are valued and cared about, whether or not you can feel it and internalize it.
if you can bring yourself to do it, please do reach out to someone real in your life, someone who can be with you or really talk to you. twice before, i haven't done this. my first suicide attempt happened really impulsively, and i felt like i couldn't control it. i was drug-induced psychotic, having paranoid delusions and hallucinations. my ending up in the hospital surprised everyone in my life because i always wore a smile, i always looked put together, i took care of other people. i didn't know or care if anyone would care about what happened to me or not, and i was really touched by how many close friends stuck by me and sat with me through those horrible weeks of the hospital.
the second time was more complex. this was a deliberate decision and plan to kill myself, and it was pretty lethal and nearly worked. right before i did it, two of my best friends sat with me in my room after we got back from a birthday party, and i never said a word about my plans. they left, telling me how much better i looked. i chatted with my suitemate for awhile and then locked myself in my room. a few weeks before, the psychiatrist who was, by default, in charge of my care, asked me to please let someone know if i got in a bad place-- someone who could help. i was feeling so bad that i took that to mean that he wanted that someone to be anyone but him, so i did reach out to everyone i could to try to find a long-term dr, to try to hang on, but i came away empty-handed. i think i should've gone to the people who know me well and cared-- my best friends and that pdoc. i didn't because i felt so awful and worthless and didn't want to burden them, thinking that they had much more important things to do than deal with me. this time, when i was in the hospital, it almost cost me one of the best friends around. he was so pissed and felt confused and betrayed and helpless, mad at me for doing it and madder that i let him leave me that night without letting him know where i was at. the pdoc was also super-conflicted. i thought at the time that his response was unprofessional and uncalled for, that a pdoc must, in the course of his career, have to deal with suicides and suicide attempts. i don't know if this is true for him, but i know now that he wouldn't have given me such a hard time and have been such a jerk if i hadn't rattled him so bad because he did care.
recently, i had a fast downward spiral and, within a week, i was sitting in my room with grams of drugs that are prescribed in 0.5 or 1mg, trying to think of the most lethal combinations without ready antidotes. a close friend called, and talked to me while i was hysterical, and she said the right words that motivated me to get help: "just the fact that you're talking to me, that you're on the phone with me... that's a really good sign. the other two times, i sat with you, and you never let on that you felt so bad. this means that you want to live and you can still help yourself!" and it was true. just talking to her was the first step, and knowing that she was drained and overworked and still talking to me in the middle of the night, that she did care and so did others, made a big difference.
i can't say that there's one sure way to feel better or to get help. the hospital/ER doesn't work for everyone, but please also don't feel like you need to do something serious to hurt yourself before you can get treated. in the short-term, i know they would rather keep you safe even if they don't fix you up all the way. i'm sorry your T left you as she did. i've seen maybe half a dozen myself in two years, and it really sucks to be hung out to dry and to have to connect all over with someone new. if you can, i really recommend letting someone in your life know what's going on. if you survive an attempt on your life (and i hope to God that you won't hurt yourself), you're often left with a lot of guilt for the impact your action has on other people. i can't guarantee that reaching out to a friend or someone else will be a cure, but at least you'll know that you tried. and what i've learned about doctors recently also applies to friends-- if one can't help you, that doesn't mean that no one can. in the case of drs or Ts, look at that person and say, "ok, if you can't help me, please point me in the direction of someone who can." because that person exists, lonelygal! please believe me and give it a try. i know the feeling that no one cares and that you're worthless, but i know-- just on this board alone!-- that people do care about you and are out there willing to help. please give it a try.
thinking about you and sending you a hug,
cb
Posted by judy1 on January 12, 2005, at 11:57:20
In reply to Re: how are you feeling today?, posted by lonelygal on January 11, 2005, at 19:46:33
do you have insurance? if so, is that how you get the names of therps? if a therp doesn't call you back within 24-48 hours, then a call to your insurance provider is definitely indicated. another option is to go through your primary physician, get an appt. with him/her and be honest about your mental state- they can often get you help immediately.
take care, judy
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 12, 2005, at 12:20:12
In reply to Re: how are you feeling today?, posted by lonelygal on January 11, 2005, at 19:46:33
Im sorry she didn't call back.
Are you doing alright? Ive been thinking about you.
Posted by lonelygal on January 12, 2005, at 14:47:23
In reply to Re: how are you feeling today? » lonelygal, posted by rainbowbrite on January 12, 2005, at 12:20:12
she called back today and left a message saying the center was still closed for break...
i went to work today for a little while, but i'm just out of it.
> Im sorry she didn't call back.
> Are you doing alright? Ive been thinking about you.
Posted by lonelygal on January 12, 2005, at 15:03:42
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by CareBear04 on January 12, 2005, at 3:49:06
thanks so much for sharing all that you did with me. i'm really sorry that you have been through all that you have too. i am trying to reach out to a therapist, but i'm too scared to let any of my friends in real life know how badly everything feels. i just would be way too embarassed and i'm too scared to be honest and i don't want to be judged or for them to think of me differently (knowing i don't have everything together). i think it was great that you had friends who were really there for you, i'm just not sure my friends would be umm as helpful.
i haven't really thought before about the guilt i would feel if i did survive. i have thought a lot about whether people would miss me or even care or if i would really be hurting people to leave. i guess i always assumed that if i tried, i could be successful for sure, but maybe not.
it must be really hard having to see 6 therapists in 2 years. i dont' think i could deal with that. i miss my old t so much. it makes me so sad to think that she is seeing other people and not seeing me. and that i was just a client to her and noone important. it sucks so much.
thanks again so much for your post.
> hey lonelygal-- i didn't read all the responses to your post, but obviously you are valued and cared about, whether or not you can feel it and internalize it.
>
> if you can bring yourself to do it, please do reach out to someone real in your life, someone who can be with you or really talk to you. twice before, i haven't done this. my first suicide attempt happened really impulsively, and i felt like i couldn't control it. i was drug-induced psychotic, having paranoid delusions and hallucinations. my ending up in the hospital surprised everyone in my life because i always wore a smile, i always looked put together, i took care of other people. i didn't know or care if anyone would care about what happened to me or not, and i was really touched by how many close friends stuck by me and sat with me through those horrible weeks of the hospital.
>
> the second time was more complex. this was a deliberate decision and plan to kill myself, and it was pretty lethal and nearly worked. right before i did it, two of my best friends sat with me in my room after we got back from a birthday party, and i never said a word about my plans. they left, telling me how much better i looked. i chatted with my suitemate for awhile and then locked myself in my room. a few weeks before, the psychiatrist who was, by default, in charge of my care, asked me to please let someone know if i got in a bad place-- someone who could help. i was feeling so bad that i took that to mean that he wanted that someone to be anyone but him, so i did reach out to everyone i could to try to find a long-term dr, to try to hang on, but i came away empty-handed. i think i should've gone to the people who know me well and cared-- my best friends and that pdoc. i didn't because i felt so awful and worthless and didn't want to burden them, thinking that they had much more important things to do than deal with me. this time, when i was in the hospital, it almost cost me one of the best friends around. he was so pissed and felt confused and betrayed and helpless, mad at me for doing it and madder that i let him leave me that night without letting him know where i was at. the pdoc was also super-conflicted. i thought at the time that his response was unprofessional and uncalled for, that a pdoc must, in the course of his career, have to deal with suicides and suicide attempts. i don't know if this is true for him, but i know now that he wouldn't have given me such a hard time and have been such a jerk if i hadn't rattled him so bad because he did care.
>
> recently, i had a fast downward spiral and, within a week, i was sitting in my room with grams of drugs that are prescribed in 0.5 or 1mg, trying to think of the most lethal combinations without ready antidotes. a close friend called, and talked to me while i was hysterical, and she said the right words that motivated me to get help: "just the fact that you're talking to me, that you're on the phone with me... that's a really good sign. the other two times, i sat with you, and you never let on that you felt so bad. this means that you want to live and you can still help yourself!" and it was true. just talking to her was the first step, and knowing that she was drained and overworked and still talking to me in the middle of the night, that she did care and so did others, made a big difference.
>
> i can't say that there's one sure way to feel better or to get help. the hospital/ER doesn't work for everyone, but please also don't feel like you need to do something serious to hurt yourself before you can get treated. in the short-term, i know they would rather keep you safe even if they don't fix you up all the way. i'm sorry your T left you as she did. i've seen maybe half a dozen myself in two years, and it really sucks to be hung out to dry and to have to connect all over with someone new. if you can, i really recommend letting someone in your life know what's going on. if you survive an attempt on your life (and i hope to God that you won't hurt yourself), you're often left with a lot of guilt for the impact your action has on other people. i can't guarantee that reaching out to a friend or someone else will be a cure, but at least you'll know that you tried. and what i've learned about doctors recently also applies to friends-- if one can't help you, that doesn't mean that no one can. in the case of drs or Ts, look at that person and say, "ok, if you can't help me, please point me in the direction of someone who can." because that person exists, lonelygal! please believe me and give it a try. i know the feeling that no one cares and that you're worthless, but i know-- just on this board alone!-- that people do care about you and are out there willing to help. please give it a try.
>
> thinking about you and sending you a hug,
> cb
Posted by lonelygal on January 12, 2005, at 15:10:02
In reply to Re: how are you feeling today? » lonelygal, posted by judy1 on January 12, 2005, at 11:57:20
this new therapist is a psych grad student, so umm i'm thinking it's going to be sort of hard to contact her all the time... which isn't good... but maybe that would make me not be needy or annoying if i saw her.. but i'm scared about when i'm feeling really badly.. i dunno. whatever.
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