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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by vwoolf on January 6, 2005, at 13:29:11
My T has been away on summer holiday for almost two weeks now, and I am falling to pieces. Things seem to be swirling wildly around me. I feel as if I am going crazy. I know I should call her but I can’t. She told me to call her on her mobile any time, but I find it impossible.
It started last week, when I spent Christmas with my family, and began having nightmares and suicidal thoughts. And my H started being abusive again. I eventually spoke to her about it. On her mobile, as she had said. While we spoke I could hear her children in the background, trying to attract her attention, whistling and carrying on, and I could imagine her trying to keep the kids quiet, making faces at me on the other end, as if to say, “she’s crazy, but this is work, kids. Just keep quiet.” I terminated the call at once.
Since then I have been getting into all sorts of destructive behaviour, which I know she would say is not helpful (now there’s a euphemism for you!). I can’t sleep, and spend all night on the internet. I SI every day. In my particularly shameful way, of course. Drinking too much. Masturbating too much. Obsessed with sex. I started chatting on an erotic chat line, and am now obsessively involved in a dark on-going role play, in which I am being slowly punished and hurt more and more - I am sure it will end up with me being killed as part of the game. I feel so excited and caught up in it. And I can’t get myself out of it. I’m not quite sure any more where reality stops and the role play begins. It feels like one of those things you read about in the newspapers, where people meet on a chat line and someone ends up dead in a masochistic orgy. Luckily I don’t live in the US, because I think I would be capable of handing out my name and number to these people. I feel as if I am in a dangerous situation and I don’t know how to stop. I think I am going crazy.
Please someone talk to me. You don’t need to tell me I’m ok. Just talk to me.
I know I'm going to be sorry I posted this, but I need to get this outside me somehow. I have no-one I can talk to.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 6, 2005, at 14:01:26
In reply to Dark swirling thoughts - may trigger, posted by vwoolf on January 6, 2005, at 13:29:11
Hi VW, This chatline...do you pay? I ask because if you do the lieklyhood that you will meet anyone is slim to nonexistant. I know because I have had friends in the system and one who owned a chatline and the game was to keep anyone talking to keep the minutes running up thus./...make cash...PLEASE call your T and SEE your T so no distractions from kids can mess with some good therapy. You sound in a bad place andsound like you want out that is the only way I see out...well, the easiest ...so please make an appt or go to ER . You could be considered self destructive. hugs
Posted by Bobby on January 6, 2005, at 14:03:59
In reply to Dark swirling thoughts - may trigger, posted by vwoolf on January 6, 2005, at 13:29:11
Hi VW,
Nothing to say much---just feel for you. Hope you can find some way to take control of your life--don't let something/someone take control for you.Good luck.
Bp.s. don't forget about AIDS
Posted by vwoolf on January 6, 2005, at 14:48:31
In reply to Re: Dark swirling thoughts - may trigger » vwoolf, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 6, 2005, at 14:01:26
No, not a pay site. It just feels like it's touching on some secret, dark place that wants to be hurt. I can't talk to my T - I feel completely persecuted by the idea of her grinning at my story. ER doesn't exist here. I don't think. Don't know.
Posted by vwoolf on January 6, 2005, at 14:49:34
In reply to Re: Dark swirling thoughts - may trigger, posted by Bobby on January 6, 2005, at 14:03:59
Thanks Bobby, but I need someone else to take control. I can't take this on my own.
Posted by Bobby on January 6, 2005, at 15:10:04
In reply to Re: Dark swirling thoughts - may trigger, posted by vwoolf on January 6, 2005, at 14:49:34
Hi again,
I was wondering, if you want someone else to take control--why does it have to be someone who wants to hurt you. Can't it be someone you can trust? Are you close to family--or is that a problem too? I don't know how things are overseas or wherever you are--but sounds like you sure could use some guidence from a therapist or a clergyman/woman. I think you know what's right and wrong--you may just need someone to guide you just a little.
B
Posted by vwoolf on January 6, 2005, at 16:47:47
In reply to Re: Dark swirling thoughts - may trigger » vwoolf, posted by Bobby on January 6, 2005, at 15:10:04
Family is definitely not an option. My H even less. I don't belong to any religious group - I don't belong to any group at all. Except the chat group. And they are dangerous. I feel as if I've been dipped in molten glass, and everything inside is transparent, and they are trying to smash the glass. And I can't help myself, I'm all brittle.
Posted by Bobby on January 6, 2005, at 18:41:50
In reply to Re: Dark swirling thoughts - may trigger, posted by vwoolf on January 6, 2005, at 16:47:47
Well, you've always got psycho babble which considerably less threatening. Wish I knew how to help--but all I can do is listen.
Posted by ghost on January 6, 2005, at 20:46:44
In reply to Dark swirling thoughts - may trigger, posted by vwoolf on January 6, 2005, at 13:29:11
ive been there. i wish i could verbalize. but i've been there.
Posted by cubic_me on January 8, 2005, at 8:33:06
In reply to Dark swirling thoughts - may trigger, posted by vwoolf on January 6, 2005, at 13:29:11
I've been there too. It can be a dark dark place when you feel you have to be taken control of and taken advantage of. You sound like you feel you are compelled to go deeper into this, even though you know you will end up getting hurt. Is there a way you could prevent yourself from accessing the chat line so easily?
I don't know whether this is an option for you, but when I am deep in SI and everything else, I try to be around people, however much I want to be alone. It protects me. This reminds me of a song by Placebo called 'Protect me from what I want' - so true.
Take care, you are in this group you know, we are here for you,
cubic x
This is the end of the thread.
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