Posted by vwoolf on January 6, 2005, at 13:29:11
My T has been away on summer holiday for almost two weeks now, and I am falling to pieces. Things seem to be swirling wildly around me. I feel as if I am going crazy. I know I should call her but I can’t. She told me to call her on her mobile any time, but I find it impossible.
It started last week, when I spent Christmas with my family, and began having nightmares and suicidal thoughts. And my H started being abusive again. I eventually spoke to her about it. On her mobile, as she had said. While we spoke I could hear her children in the background, trying to attract her attention, whistling and carrying on, and I could imagine her trying to keep the kids quiet, making faces at me on the other end, as if to say, “she’s crazy, but this is work, kids. Just keep quiet.” I terminated the call at once.
Since then I have been getting into all sorts of destructive behaviour, which I know she would say is not helpful (now there’s a euphemism for you!). I can’t sleep, and spend all night on the internet. I SI every day. In my particularly shameful way, of course. Drinking too much. Masturbating too much. Obsessed with sex. I started chatting on an erotic chat line, and am now obsessively involved in a dark on-going role play, in which I am being slowly punished and hurt more and more - I am sure it will end up with me being killed as part of the game. I feel so excited and caught up in it. And I can’t get myself out of it. I’m not quite sure any more where reality stops and the role play begins. It feels like one of those things you read about in the newspapers, where people meet on a chat line and someone ends up dead in a masochistic orgy. Luckily I don’t live in the US, because I think I would be capable of handing out my name and number to these people. I feel as if I am in a dangerous situation and I don’t know how to stop. I think I am going crazy.
Please someone talk to me. You don’t need to tell me I’m ok. Just talk to me.
I know I'm going to be sorry I posted this, but I need to get this outside me somehow. I have no-one I can talk to.
poster:vwoolf
thread:438522
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050105/msgs/438522.html