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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2Chica on December 21, 2004, at 19:03:02
i wish i could just crawl inside babble for the next three weeks.
i've been so down, still crying almost everyday-i Hate my husband seeing me cry. i saw my pdoc last friday but i had so much anxiety about a situation that we talked about that and i didn't mention getting on AD. i'm not on one now cuz last time i called him bawling i told him i didn't want to go on one.since i can be honest with you all, the truth is, though i want to be completely honest with him i don't want to get on the AD cuz i REALLY feel i deserve these horrid anguished feelings (this just sounds so sick). the same utter ache and dispair and longing for death, the lonliness and fear that hurts and stabs at my soul i want to keep . it feels like that's what i need to do.
(my thoughts)i haven't been cutting or purging and in my logical mind i think i'm transfering once more this time my depression being my method of SI. it's horrible, i ache so much and contemplate EVERYTHING. the confusion and arguments that go on in my head fill each day . So...
i've set a death date (please don't fear-it is not the "impulsive" type action...would take time). the ideation was pretty tough so i told myself i will die the last week in feb.(far away) doing this actually put me at some sense of ease. this way the holidays will be past and family won't remember xmas as my death, yet before my b-day so they won't dwell on that and i'll have time to organize things for my husband.
When i'm feeling better, i know that in three weeks Jan 6th i have an appt. with my new T to begin therapy. i need to promise to tell him. Till then i tell myself to just suffer.
but it's bad. i'm so sick. i'm Literally doing this to myself!
i Just feel like i don't belong here anymore (actually i've felt this for a very long time). but lately this is encouraged by the fact that each day feels like an eternity. why do the days last So long? why are the weekends so horrid?i go back and forth and back and forth and am LITERALLY sick to my stomach about whether or not to call my pdoc and tell him all this. thing is he's out from the 24th till the 3rd so if i do it, it has to be thursday. But then i think, why tell him, i won't go on the AD, i don't want to be in hospital over xmas. what else CAN HE do???
So if i don't tell him, (or even if i do) i have no T or pdoc to call, i have no back up (cept the ER) this next week.
The only decent thing is i have off work this week and next....good??? it sometimes is worse because the 'pity' factor. but being around people make me cry more. it allows me to not dwell on what a failure i am at work, this broken employee i've become. However, i snuck in tonight cuz i achingly needed babble.
i keep in a little corner of my mind a reminder of here. even if i think i have no one...there is babble. babble's here...
Even as sick and disgusted as i am with myself right now (especially admtting feelings above) i've never been judged at this place. please continue to let me have that right now....at least for the next 3 weeks.
i feel guilty and shameful for dumping this whining and Self...whatever on you all. and i hope it doesn't hurt anyone or make them sad or contemeplate cuz no one deserves that. i've just always been able to express here.b2c.
Posted by B2Chica on December 21, 2004, at 19:13:48
In reply to the sickness inside **trigger**-long, posted by B2Chica on December 21, 2004, at 19:03:02
i think i feel bit easier even just having said all this. getting it on the outside, ya know.
thanks.
b2c.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 21, 2004, at 19:32:10
In reply to Re: just so ya know, posted by B2Chica on December 21, 2004, at 19:13:48
I wish I knew what to do or say to help and knowing you have a date and all makes me sad...I am praying that day passes by. You can call your PDOC and NOT go in the hospital because you are not a danger to yourself RIGHT NOW...can you maybe do that? I am not of much help but man I really like you and I know this can and will turn around somehow....HUGS
Posted by B2Chica on December 21, 2004, at 19:43:44
In reply to Re: just so ya know » B2Chica, posted by Fallen4MyT on December 21, 2004, at 19:32:10
just responding helps. it really does. i'm glad i didn't shut off this computer yet and got to read your response.
i'm sure (i will convince myself) that date will pass...i'll have help by then. it just somehow helped the impulsiveness to set that date. (27th) weird huh. i like the number 7.
i guess i'm just torn up as to tell my pdoc. if i do it'll be thursday cuz i'm pretty sure i can get ahold of him then.and yes you are help. you've been great on babble. you've been through so much yet you still give.
i wish i could do that right now.
-i will repeat your words...>it WILL turn around...thanks for the hug...
b2c.
-> I wish I knew what to do or say to help and knowing you have a date and all makes me sad...I am praying that day passes by. You can call your PDOC and NOT go in the hospital because you are not a danger to yourself RIGHT NOW...can you maybe do that? I am not of much help but man I really like you and I know this can and will turn around somehow....HUGS
Posted by ghost on December 21, 2004, at 20:38:55
In reply to the sickness inside **trigger**-long, posted by B2Chica on December 21, 2004, at 19:03:02
it's eerie that you said your depression is your form of SI this time. because it makes perfect sense to me.
i've just never heard it said like that. but it's absolutely right.
i'm sorry i can't post more. but know that you're in my mind. we promised each other once before to live. i hope you can promise me again.
lots of love,
ghost
Posted by littleone on December 21, 2004, at 21:02:35
In reply to the sickness inside **trigger**-long, posted by B2Chica on December 21, 2004, at 19:03:02
> i REALLY feel i deserve these horrid anguished feelings
I know that just hearing me say this won't change anything, but I want to say it anyway. No one deserves those type of thoughts/feelings. Not even you. I can understand why you would feel that way and I hope your T-to-be can help with that.
>i haven't been cutting or purging and in my logical mind i think i'm transfering once more this time my depression being my method of SI.
It certainly sounds like you're punishing yourself, even without the cutting and purging. Unfortunately there are lots and lots of ways to hurt ourselves - physically and emotionally. It may be hard to be nice to yourself at the moment, but can you be nice to just one little tiny part of yourself as a first step? Like maybe paint your nails, or put some cream on that tough, wrinkly part of your elbow. And try liking that one tiny little part. Sometimes I like my elbows because they're a quirky part of my body. Did you know that you can squeeze that tough, wrinkly part as hard as you possibly can and you won't feel a thing. I think that's pretty neat.
> the last week in feb
I for one hope to see you posting in the first week of march - and for a long time thereafter too.
> i keep in a little corner of my mind a reminder of here. even if i think i have no one...there is babble. babble's here...
:)
> i feel guilty and shameful for dumping this whining and Self...whatever on you all.
If that's what you need or if that can help a little, then that's how babble can help. Getting it all out there can be a big help. Just imagine how boring it would be here if everyone just put their happy smiley faces forward and just talked about their happy good things.
:( (my contribution towards keeping babble interesting)
Please keep posting us B2Chica.
Posted by Skittles on December 21, 2004, at 21:12:55
In reply to the sickness inside **trigger**-long, posted by B2Chica on December 21, 2004, at 19:03:02
b2c, I think having a date is just a way to cope and get through the here and now. I say that because I've got one too. For me, it's about having a specific answer to the "will this EVER end" question. I'm able to get through today better when I can see an endpoint. I hope neither of us feels like we need those dates anymore once they get here.
(((((hugs)))))
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 21, 2004, at 22:50:32
In reply to Re: just so ya know » Fallen4MyT, posted by B2Chica on December 21, 2004, at 19:43:44
I will expect a babblemail come MARCH 1 If you call PDOC and I hope you do I will look for a post to us on here as to how it went. Many prayers
MEGA HUGE HUGS
> just responding helps. it really does. i'm glad i didn't shut off this computer yet and got to read your response.
> i'm sure (i will convince myself) that date will pass...i'll have help by then. it just somehow helped the impulsiveness to set that date. (27th) weird huh. i like the number 7.
> i guess i'm just torn up as to tell my pdoc. if i do it'll be thursday cuz i'm pretty sure i can get ahold of him then.
>
> and yes you are help. you've been great on babble. you've been through so much yet you still give.
> i wish i could do that right now.
> -i will repeat your words...>it WILL turn around...
>
> thanks for the hug...
> b2c.
> -
>
> > I wish I knew what to do or say to help and knowing you have a date and all makes me sad...I am praying that day passes by. You can call your PDOC and NOT go in the hospital because you are not a danger to yourself RIGHT NOW...can you maybe do that? I am not of much help but man I really like you and I know this can and will turn around somehow....HUGS
>
>
Posted by gardenergirl on December 21, 2004, at 23:40:10
In reply to the sickness inside **trigger**-long, posted by B2Chica on December 21, 2004, at 19:03:02
Oh sweetie,
I'm sorry you are feeling so awful. No one deserves that, no matter what. I wish you would call your pdoc and ask for an antidepressant. Or even ask your family doc if you can. Or go to a clinic if you can't see your pdoc before he leaves? Because you deserve to have effective and adequate treatment.If you had diabetes or bronchitis, you would get treatment for it, wouldn't you? Depression deserves treatment as much as physical illness. It has nothing to do with whether you are a "good" person or a "bad" person. And you are neither, really. You just are you. And we like you. (Okay, Sally Field time...We really really like you!)
Please be safe and well.
I'll be thinking of you.
gg
Posted by partlycloudy on December 22, 2004, at 7:02:56
In reply to Re: just so ya know, posted by B2Chica on December 21, 2004, at 19:13:48
B2, I'm sorry I wasn't able to post last night. But I'm here now (whoopee twang, is that swearing? I hope so)and hoping today is a better one for you. Your doctor is not going to judge you in any way for changing your mind about an AD if you can call and get in to see him.
hugs and love being sent to you my friend.
pc
Posted by shrinking violet on December 22, 2004, at 17:19:11
In reply to Re: just so ya know, posted by partlycloudy on December 22, 2004, at 7:02:56
{{{{{{{{{{b2c}}}}}}}}}}
I wish I had some words of comfort for you, but please know you aren't alone in how you are feeling. I could have written your post tonight: the feelings of despair, yet feeling like you deserve them, and torn between hoping to feel better yet being afraid to....and I tentatively have my own future date set as well.
Please try to hang in there. The fact that part of you wants to share your thoughts with someone shows that there is a part of yourself that wants to get past this. Try to listen to that side and find a way to help yourself now.
Take care hon.
SV
Posted by Poet on December 22, 2004, at 19:09:43
In reply to Re: just so ya know, posted by B2Chica on December 21, 2004, at 19:13:48
B2Chica,
I had a plan and a date set. I still have the plan (but right now don't feel the urge to act on it, so nobody worry, please.)
At the time my therapist compared my depression to an open wound. *You refuse to put salve on it, to try to heal it, instead you pick at it.* So I understand how depression is SI, and its wounds hurt deeply.
I refused to go inpatient and finally agreed to sign something saying I wouldn't *hurt* myself on a week to week basis until the *date.*
I refused to go inpatient and under threat of her calling 911 agreed to see a pdoc. New AD is working, so it's good that I saw pdoc. I forgave T for the 911 threats, too as I now know it was for my own good.
Maybe you can call your pdoc and tell him that you are in a bad state and agree to a verbal *no harm* agreement? And make an appointment to talk about why you set a date and if ADs might help you get through this rough patch?
Everybody here cares about you. If you can post, please let us know how you are doing? Okay?
Take care and if you can't reach pdoc before his vacation. Stick to your promise (to us and yourself) not to do anything before that date and call him when he's back. Okay?
Poet
Posted by B2Chica on December 23, 2004, at 12:55:24
In reply to I know and understand. » B2Chica, posted by Poet on December 22, 2004, at 19:09:43
you all are so wonderful. i think somehow just saying those things to you all helped. i didn't cry at all yesterday or today, or the ruminating thoughts of suicide. i'm still feeling down but not NEAR what i was. maybe having the date, but maybe just saying it too. (i even wrapped a couple gifts today.)
Everything is still SO overwhelming so i just take it one thing at a time. it just seems like there is SO Much that i'm responsible for and can't do it. i am however glad i have some time off work. that would just add So much more...maybe that's been part of the problem too.i think...i KNOW that having you all here and just listening and giving feedback helps SOO MUCH.
it was nice to not be judged (or thought of like a psychotic freak) about having that 'date', and even to hear others have it (though i want ALL of you to pass your date as well!)
but there is something to that. and the promise will take away the impulsiveness that i seem to have.i want to call my pdoc but i would have to paige him, and since he said he didn't normally give out his paiger to px, well, i've just used it so much that i don't want to abuse it. it's not an emergency. but i might call his office and just leave a message saying i want to talk about an AD.
i'll try to post next week.
i Hope EVERYONE here has a 'well' holiday.
I Can't thank you enough.b2c.
Posted by Poet on December 23, 2004, at 22:33:56
In reply to Re: thanks for understanding., posted by B2Chica on December 23, 2004, at 12:55:24
Posted by JenStar on December 23, 2004, at 23:16:01
In reply to the sickness inside **trigger**-long, posted by B2Chica on December 21, 2004, at 19:03:02
hi B2,
I haven't posted in a while but I needed to write and say that I think you're a lovely person...and that you really, really should NOT hurt yourself now or in Feb. or ever. I'm hopeful for you that some part of you does NOT really intend to carry out your threat...by giving yourself a "due date" you also give yourself plenty of time to get help and work thru it.Remember that the holidays can be horribly stessful even for people who don't suffer from depression or other illnesses...be kind to yourself and give yourself a break!
I know that my words don't have the power to really help you, but I hope -- and believe you WILL -- find the strength and courage to go on and get the help you deserve. I also bet you'll feel a LOT better on jan 2nd when all the hubbub is over and we can all go back to being "normal" and not stressing about the holidays and the huge burden of ringing in a new year.
Anyway, I think you're a cool person and I believe you will find the courage and love for yourself that will help you get back to a happier place. My thoughts are with you! Have a happy and safe holiday...and please write again and tell us all how you're doing.
take care!
JenStarPS - please, never worry that your messages might trigger someone else. It's so important to get help and support. I'm glad you had the courage to write about this. I hope we're all able to help you!
This is the end of the thread.
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