Posted by B2Chica on December 21, 2004, at 19:03:02
i wish i could just crawl inside babble for the next three weeks.
i've been so down, still crying almost everyday-i Hate my husband seeing me cry. i saw my pdoc last friday but i had so much anxiety about a situation that we talked about that and i didn't mention getting on AD. i'm not on one now cuz last time i called him bawling i told him i didn't want to go on one.since i can be honest with you all, the truth is, though i want to be completely honest with him i don't want to get on the AD cuz i REALLY feel i deserve these horrid anguished feelings (this just sounds so sick). the same utter ache and dispair and longing for death, the lonliness and fear that hurts and stabs at my soul i want to keep . it feels like that's what i need to do.
(my thoughts)i haven't been cutting or purging and in my logical mind i think i'm transfering once more this time my depression being my method of SI. it's horrible, i ache so much and contemplate EVERYTHING. the confusion and arguments that go on in my head fill each day . So...
i've set a death date (please don't fear-it is not the "impulsive" type action...would take time). the ideation was pretty tough so i told myself i will die the last week in feb.(far away) doing this actually put me at some sense of ease. this way the holidays will be past and family won't remember xmas as my death, yet before my b-day so they won't dwell on that and i'll have time to organize things for my husband.
When i'm feeling better, i know that in three weeks Jan 6th i have an appt. with my new T to begin therapy. i need to promise to tell him. Till then i tell myself to just suffer.
but it's bad. i'm so sick. i'm Literally doing this to myself!
i Just feel like i don't belong here anymore (actually i've felt this for a very long time). but lately this is encouraged by the fact that each day feels like an eternity. why do the days last So long? why are the weekends so horrid?i go back and forth and back and forth and am LITERALLY sick to my stomach about whether or not to call my pdoc and tell him all this. thing is he's out from the 24th till the 3rd so if i do it, it has to be thursday. But then i think, why tell him, i won't go on the AD, i don't want to be in hospital over xmas. what else CAN HE do???
So if i don't tell him, (or even if i do) i have no T or pdoc to call, i have no back up (cept the ER) this next week.
The only decent thing is i have off work this week and next....good??? it sometimes is worse because the 'pity' factor. but being around people make me cry more. it allows me to not dwell on what a failure i am at work, this broken employee i've become. However, i snuck in tonight cuz i achingly needed babble.
i keep in a little corner of my mind a reminder of here. even if i think i have no one...there is babble. babble's here...
Even as sick and disgusted as i am with myself right now (especially admtting feelings above) i've never been judged at this place. please continue to let me have that right now....at least for the next 3 weeks.
i feel guilty and shameful for dumping this whining and Self...whatever on you all. and i hope it doesn't hurt anyone or make them sad or contemeplate cuz no one deserves that. i've just always been able to express here.b2c.
poster:B2Chica
thread:432607
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041218/msgs/432607.html