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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by messadivoce on December 20, 2004, at 2:17:31
Well I'm at home for Christmas. So far it's been okay, because I've been feeling good. I'm hoping it lasts. Last Christmas I was having a major depressive episode and I heard for months afterward from my parents how horrible I was. All I remember from that was how terrible I was feeling. Last Christmas was honestly a fog. Anyway.
I was helping my mom with the Christmas baking today and the subject of my therapy/depression came up. I told her I was feeling better. She said she could sure tell, and that I was much easier to live with. Thanks a lot. She asked about the new T I was seeing. I told her I liked her but she is nothing like my old T, whom I miss. And that was all. She didn't ask anything else.
I think she and my dad are just happy I'm back to "normal" again. I've been suffering depressive episodes since I was 12, and they've always tried to believe that I was okay in spite of it. My T has used the word "denial" in relation to my parents. I'm beginning to believe it's really true. They will never understand this. They will just blame me when I'm bad and be happy for their peaceful surroundings when I'm better.
Does this sound familiar to anybody? I am so frustrated with coming home and feeling like I've crash landed on a different planet. Does anyone have adolescent or adult kids who have done the depression/therapy/relapse thing?
Posted by Shortelise on December 20, 2004, at 13:53:02
In reply to Planet Clueless, posted by messadivoce on December 20, 2004, at 2:17:31
No, Voce, I have not experienced what you are describing, but I just have to let you know how sorry I am.
I hope they haven't been that way with you all your life, just wanting you to keep quiet, out of the way, to sublimate your own needs for their comfort.I am going home for Christmas in a couple of days and am anxious. I need to be so kind, need to keep myself calm, but also need to make sure I am not hurt in the process. How not to get hurt and not hurt anyone else. Argh.
But it'll be over in a week!!!
hugs to you Voce
ShortE
Posted by messadivoce on December 20, 2004, at 15:47:42
In reply to Re: Planet Clueless » messadivoce, posted by Shortelise on December 20, 2004, at 13:53:02
Thanks ShortE, I know what you mean by wanting to prevent yourself from getting hurt and not hurting anyone else in the process. It's such a fine line to walk.
My parents have never been able to deal well with me when I'm depressed. I know I had a lot of their concern and sympathy early on, but as I grew up and went to college they had no idea what to do with me. They were upset when I chose to seek out therapy and when I didn't tell them right away. They were equally upset that I didn't choose to share the details of all the painful stuff I was working through. I think they felt it was a betrayal to them.
Things are better now, but only because I'm better. They've just never known what to do with me because I'm the "problem" member of the family. My new T is taking a very proactive approach to this. She thinks some family therapy is in order. To that I say to her good luck.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 20, 2004, at 17:05:04
In reply to Planet Clueless, posted by messadivoce on December 20, 2004, at 2:17:31
Hi I am no brainiac but to me when someone in a fammily is in therapy it is the WHOLE family that has an issue (many in fact) NOT just the one who wisely sought help. I have a step daughter (I never lived with her) that was sent to therapy as a kid. I hear the whole family talking about how much SHE needed it and all...but....as an outsider I would have to say they all did,,,,her dad broke her bones as a kid in HIS rages, and well a lot of things that I won't waste your time listing but that sez to me...As in the inmates needed therapy more than she did, To ME she is a sucess and much better then the rest of the family, she works isn't a mooch like her sister who drifts, does drugs and is an angry person, and just so much this gal works, goes to school and is a nice person. I think what she does as far as her dad is distance herself from his issues and pretty much is polite and friendly but doesn't get too hung up on what dad sez or THINKS about her. She knows he has issues and just no label. Hope this makes sense.
I guess to be succinct, just because someone doesn't have a T or dx doesn't mean they are well.
Posted by Shortelise on December 20, 2004, at 21:56:17
In reply to Re: Planet Clueless, posted by messadivoce on December 20, 2004, at 15:47:42
I've been in therapy for more than six years and I still haven't told my parents. I don't think I ever will. But not becuse it would upset them in any way - they had me in therapy when I was nine years old - but because it is so absolutely none of their business.
I'm glad things are better for you now. They are for me too!
ShortE
Posted by peacefeline on December 21, 2004, at 2:26:54
In reply to Re: Planet Clueless, posted by Shortelise on December 20, 2004, at 21:56:17
My brother is bipolar and has schizoaffective disorder and social phobia. He currently lives in a care facility. My mom felt he was to blame for all of it. She was very well-versed in all sorts of medical & psych things, but in this one case she had a big blind spot. I think she was pretty much a narcissist & her neglect of us most likely set up my brother for problems later. So I think she felt, on some level, uneasiness about whatever part she played in those problems, and dealt with it by blaming him. She wouldn't even let him call her, saying it tired her out too much.
But I was in therapy for several months before I understood the problem with that whole line of thinking. I kinda bought into it, just from not having given it very much thought. My T pointed out how my brother's behaviors are all very consistent with his diagnoses. And of course, then I felt lousy for buying into the "it's his own fault" routine. Live & learn, I guess.
Posted by Bent on December 21, 2004, at 9:16:35
In reply to Planet Clueless, posted by messadivoce on December 20, 2004, at 2:17:31
I think I can relate. When I first went into therapy I was in high school. You would have thought the world was ending according to my parents. I was like an outcast - a flaw in their want-to-seem-perfect family. Of course they wanted to seem perfect, one parent an alcoholic and one with BPD. I had to hear how even though I was suicidal, people like me didn’t need therapy. People like me? I am just glad I was strong enough to look beyond their comments and stay in therapy. I think it was the first move I made for my own mental health, and one of the best things I could do. As an adult, I am still in therapy and my parents know. They also know that in therapy I need to talk about them and my life growing up with them. They don’t comment much about it now. I’d dare them to even say something bad about it. I don’t think they would because even though they might not admit it (my mom might) they know how much I have changed for the better from having a good T. I don’t know if this is helpful...maybe I am just rambling. I do know what you mean by a different planet. Walking into my parent's home is like entering another world. A world of fakeness and denial where you are only accepted if you are happy and 'normal.'
I hope you are able to have a good Christmas with your family. Remember your strengths, that always helps me.
Posted by LG04 on December 21, 2004, at 22:25:42
In reply to Planet Clueless, posted by messadivoce on December 20, 2004, at 2:17:31
my mom is just like your parents. it has taken me years and years to accept this about her and sometimes i still get upset and angry. it's not about us, it's about their inability to deal with these issues.
i work hard to realize that my mom is good for certain things but not others. (I guess like most people, but with her it's more painful) I can talk to her about non-threatening issues (like being upset that my car broke down or that i am mad at my boss or whatever) but if it comes even close to deep feelings or family-related issues or therapy or anything of that sort, she just can't hear it. and if i expect her to, then i just get hurt. a lot of times i have to say to myself silently (when she ignores something i've said or doesn't ask the questions i want her to ask, etc.), "It's about her, it's not about me. she can't deal with it, it's her limitation. it doesn't reflect on me at all. she needs to stay in her denial, it's her protection."
it will involve a grieving process...that our parents can't be there for us the way we want/ed them to...but the good news is that we are no longer kids and we have other resources available to us to help us with these issues.
you are not crazy. but yes, in some ways, you have landed on a different planet. maybe a book of affirmations for people in recovery can help, or phoning a friend who supports you, or going to a 12-step meeting (filled with people who are trying to become healthier and deal with their issues), these are a few things that help me stay centered/grounded. i need people who can reflect my reality...who can reflect me. that's how i find myself again when i am feeling lost or swept aside.
good luck,
LG
Posted by messadivoce on December 22, 2004, at 2:07:09
In reply to Re: Planet Clueless » messadivoce, posted by LG04 on December 21, 2004, at 22:25:42
Thanks everyone, for your input. So far I have been doing okay. My key to keeping my sanity has been getting out of the house enough!!! I was gone the whole day today running errands and working so my cabin fever was relieved. More to do tomorrow and then Christmas, and then I'll be working a whole lot more. The end is in sight.
On the issue of family therapy, has anyone gone to therapy and then that was the trigger for family therapy? My T brings up family therapy at every session and at this point I think they would be very hesitant to go this route (my dad is an influential member of our community among other factors). Just curious if anyone has done it that way.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2005, at 20:01:57
In reply to thanks and another question, posted by messadivoce on December 22, 2004, at 2:07:09
I haven't had family therapy suggested to me. I did mention to my T once that I had thought about asking my husband to accompany me to a session. My T did not seem interested in that at all. But given his orientation (very psychodynamic), that's not surprising.
gg
Posted by Shortelise on January 1, 2005, at 23:52:48
In reply to thanks and another question, posted by messadivoce on December 22, 2004, at 2:07:09
Not an answer to your question, but a reflection of my own family dynamics.
I was the "problem child" the one who was screwed up, the one who caused problems, etc. They sent me to see a shrink for the first time when I was nine. Honking donkies, I was depressed! And instead of ... but I digress.
At some point in the therapy I've been in for the past six years, my shrink said to me that it sounded to him like, as a child, I was having a sane reaction to an insane situation.
You mean I'm not crazy? No? I'm not, like, completely and utterly fritzing finky (God, don't you LOVE this no cursing thing?!)?
So I've come to understand that I was the scapegoat, the one who could be pointed at, accused, and who took the blame for the dysfunction in the family.
If that's psych 101, forgive me for stating the obvious. But since I've surreptitiously begun to refuse to play that role, I've watched other parts of the castle begin to have to take the weight it should bear. Ha! And then of course I feel guilty because I am aware and they're not.
That's my short version of family life at home, now 3,000 miles away, and hey, that's no coincidence.
But I tell you, my mother could no more do family therapy than she could fly to the moon and back on her broomstick. Facing her own devils has had her running for some seventy years, and it's not at this late date she can face any of them. She doesn't even realize she's running.
I pity her.
Love,
ShortE
Posted by messadivoce on January 3, 2005, at 0:17:46
In reply to Re: thanks and another question » messadivoce, posted by Shortelise on January 1, 2005, at 23:52:48
thanks gardenergirl and ShortE, your responses come at a good time as I'm still on Christmas vacation at my parent's house and I'm starting to get a little crazy. Thank goodness tomorrow and the rest of the week I get to go to work.
ShortE, I identify with you as being the "scapegoat". I'm the problem child in my family, while my only sibling, my 19-year-old brother is perfect. My mother obviously prefers his company to mine, and meanwhile my bro is turning into my dad, which is not something I get along with easily.
I miss seeing my T. I never thought I'd say that with this new one b/c I had so much trouble settling in with her. But seeing her convinces me that I'm NOT "completely and utterly fritzing finky!!!" :-)
This is the end of the thread.
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