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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Aphrodite on November 13, 2004, at 18:41:36
Why does this bother me? He's great about sharing, knowing that it helps me connect and trust him. I know a lot about his personal life and his personal struggles. Mainly he's been down much of my path before so I feel very understood and not at all judged.
However, the girlfriend distracts me. Over the year I've head the story of how they met, some things she is interested in, their living arrangement, etc. It's not an unusual thing; he often talks also about his friends and family members. He says it's unusual for him, but he trusts me. I will ask questions if it makes sense to, and he's always forthcoming. But even though I want to ask about the girlfriend like I do, say, his sister, I don't. I think it sounds like prying in that case.
I'll make a statement, and he'll say, "My significant other says that too." "So-and-so read the book you're talking about too." I just want to smack him.
Oh my heavens, please don't tell me this is uncovering some kind of erotic transference. No, no, no. I can't have that kind of problem now. Am I in denial?
I'm hoping it's because I'm talking about difficult relationship problems with my husband and how it relates to my csa. My take is that those pangs of jealousy relate to being jealous of their good relationship in general because they are clearly a solid couple.
Someone back me up here. Would this make you uncomfortable too? What's up with me? There's no way of telling him to quit talking about her without sounding spiteful.
Posted by Angela2 on November 13, 2004, at 20:27:09
In reply to He keeps talking about his girlfriend . . ., posted by Aphrodite on November 13, 2004, at 18:41:36
That would make me uncomfortable.
Posted by JenStar on November 13, 2004, at 22:00:20
In reply to He keeps talking about his girlfriend . . ., posted by Aphrodite on November 13, 2004, at 18:41:36
Here's my thoughts on transference...just my 2 cents after musing on therapy & therapists...
Even if a woman is in a happy, stable, great relationship, it's easy to get a transference crush on a doctor/therapist. We see them as a caretaker, a giver, a fixer, and a healer -- the kind of person whose arms you can crawl into for solace.
Most of us would not want the T to hit on us, because we rely on them for emotional sustenance. However, the relationship with the T is kind of magical and works best in a sort of isolation...where you KNOW they have a family/SO, but don't have to SEE it all the time.
It's nice to think that the T -- for at least an hour a week -- is YOURS and YOURS ALONE. If he talks about his family too much, it might interfere with that magic hour too much; it inserts too much "otherness" into the client/T relationship. On the other hand, if he NEVER talks about his life/family, it might make the client overly curious, which can also detract from the relationship.
He probably feels that he's just being open and dynamic. Maybe you should take it as your cue to be open and dynamic too. Don't be afraid to ask questions about the girlfriend. Ask lots of questions! Ask him why he feels so comfy talking about her to you (if it's unusual for him.)
I'm sure that whatever you say, it's GUARANTEED to start a very interesting conversation!
good luck. It's easy for me to sit here and offer advice, not so easy when it's me in the office. I like to offer bold advice that sometimes I would be afraid to take myself (even if I like it!)
take care...
JenStar
Posted by daisym on November 13, 2004, at 22:01:46
In reply to He keeps talking about his girlfriend . . ., posted by Aphrodite on November 13, 2004, at 18:41:36
I think it could definitely be jealousy of their relationship, the fact that he has her and she has him, when you can't count on your own partner. I use to get that feeling when I was teaching childbirth classes and I'd see couples who were really connected.
It would drive me a little nuts if my therapist talked about his wife frequently. She's a therapist and has an office just down the hall. So he's commented about her, or I have, but it maybe hasn't been more than a handful of time in the 17 months of seeing him. She's been in my dreams a few times and he is always interested in that.
Maybe you could hold up your hand next time and say, "you are so lucky to have someone special...it makes me a little nuts, since I don't. Can we not bring her in here with us? At least for awhile."
And if it does turn erotic, you will learn from it and get through it. It happens to lots of people. Just because you are smart, doesn't mean it won't. And it doesn't diminish you in some way, like you were supposed to be able to prevent it somehow. It is a common part of transference, especially given your history. Just be sure to tell him about it.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 14, 2004, at 14:30:27
In reply to Re: He keeps talking about his girlfriend . . . » Aphrodite, posted by JenStar on November 13, 2004, at 22:00:20
Jen Star hit the nail on the head for me, and explained her theory much better than I ever could, her hypothesis about how we feel about our Ts. I have a great marriage and a wonderful husband, but I still have a crush on my T. I know it's not real and it's due in large part to his caretaking role of me. I always get crushes on caretakers, or authority figures, regardless of sex. So I think jealousy is perfectly normal.
BUt also, this is supposed to be all about YOU. Figures from your T's life should not creep in on a regular basis.
As for me, it would really annoy me if he brought up his girlfriend all the time. It would make me feel somehow that he wasn't fully present and concentrating on me, but that he was preoccupied with other things in his life while on my dime!
Your feelings are totally justified.
Posted by Susan47 on November 14, 2004, at 23:54:32
In reply to Re: He keeps talking about his girlfriend . . . » Aphrodite, posted by daisym on November 13, 2004, at 22:01:46
I wish I were really able to hear you girls a long time ago, whenever I first came here. I wish I knew then what I really know now, in my heart. You girls have really changed..or is it me? I don't know but I'm beginning to respect you guys a whole lot. I always did, but now it's a bit different 'cause I think I respect myself more ?? Sorry for butting into the thread.
Posted by daisym on November 15, 2004, at 0:02:29
In reply to To Daisy and everyone, posted by Susan47 on November 14, 2004, at 23:54:32
Susan,
I'm not sure exactly what you mean by we've changed, but I'll choose to take this as a compliment. I read your posts and I never know how to respond really. My heart hurts for you and the experience you've had and keep having. You seem to be working through it. Perhaps is is just my greatest fear, losing my therapist, that keeps me from knowing how to reach out and say anything meaningful.
I do hope that things get easier for you soon. You've suffered enough.
Posted by Susan47 on November 15, 2004, at 0:13:47
In reply to Re: To Daisy and everyone » Susan47, posted by daisym on November 15, 2004, at 0:02:29
I love you, I'm not just saying that because I've had a glass of wine (two but who's counting? Not me). Honestly, I think probably everyone who posts here continually knows what it's like to go away and come back. Thanks for caring about how I'm doing. It feels really lovely that some people are so kind .. and I'm meeting lots of kind people now too. I mean, they were all there before and I knew it, but I'm able to reach out honestly now versus the act, before.
Life is changing, Daisym, and it's just getting better, even when it's not so good it's okay. But I'm off my meds and wondering what's going to happen now, I'm just taking it one day at a time. I've been going a bit nuts on Babble in the last few days; I'm catching up emotionally after being cut off from phoning my therapist (I'll always probably say he's my "therapist" because he's the closest I ever got and he's the only, I believe; I still really believe "no more").
I wish, now, that you'd just post whatever you want to me, even just (grin) is enough, it's so nice to know you're there. There, blabbery me.
Posted by Susan47 on November 15, 2004, at 0:19:20
In reply to Daisym,, posted by Susan47 on November 15, 2004, at 0:13:47
It hurts, all right, losing mine did anyway, but in the end it was all brought about by me. My therapist was a person doing his job, which was to help me work through life issues. He did the best he could, while he could, and when he didn't feel like he knew what he was doing anymore, he quit. He had that right and I'm sure that's part of the agreement in a therapeutic relationship. He could've done things differently, too, which would've affected my behaviour in a different way. People've said all this stuff on here before, it's nothing new, it's just that now I know it's true from my own experiences.
Posted by annierose on November 15, 2004, at 5:23:19
In reply to Daisym, Losing a Therapist, posted by Susan47 on November 15, 2004, at 0:19:20
Susan- Not to butt into this tread, but I am, so here it goes, it just seems like you are in so much pain over losing your therapist. AND ... there are a ton of excellent therapist out there that could help you through this period in your life. Your former T has this magic power over you. I think you could have that magic with someone else and work through it with them. I read over and over that he is the only one for you. You may surprise yourself and like another T in a more healthy way. I don't mean to come across as hard. Sorry if I hurt your feelings.
Posted by Froso on November 15, 2004, at 11:13:05
In reply to He keeps talking about his girlfriend . . ., posted by Aphrodite on November 13, 2004, at 18:41:36
I think it's normal to bother you a lot. It's what the others have said, an hour only for you and I don't understand why he does it. Why don't you ask him why he brings her up all the time? Maybe it's for a purpose, to make you feel like that and respond and he hasn't had the "normal" reaction from you yet which is to be honest and tell him it makes you uncomfortable. It will be an opportunity to discuss transference. I think...
Posted by sunny10 on November 15, 2004, at 12:38:41
In reply to Re: He keeps talking about his girlfriend . . . » Aphrodite, posted by Froso on November 15, 2004, at 11:13:05
Maybe HE's attracted to YOU and he's really just reminding himself that he has a girlfriend?
Transference goes both ways...
Your reality, though, is that it takes focus away from you and you are paying him for his focussed attention- tell him how you feel about it.
If you're uncomfortable with confrontations of any kind- like I am- do what others here have done and write it down. You can hand it to him when you're leaving from the next session. If HE feels it should be discussed, he'll bring it up in the next session. Frankly, IMO, he should suck it up, and concede to your wishes without ever mentioning it again. Then again, I live in fantasyland most of the time, so maybe he will want to talk...
-sunny10
Posted by Aphrodite on November 15, 2004, at 12:49:58
In reply to Re: He keeps talking about his girlfriend . . . » Aphrodite, posted by JenStar on November 13, 2004, at 22:00:20
I like your bold advice! You can live vicariously through me;) No, wait . . . you really don't want to do that!
You're right, though, that I want a balance of disclosure. Just enough that I feel like I know him as a three-dimensional human being, but not so much about how happy he is!
Thanks! I go to therapy today, and you're right, it should be an interesting discusssion. Now it's your turn -- what bold thing will you do with your T next time? :)
Posted by Aphrodite on November 15, 2004, at 12:52:35
In reply to Re: He keeps talking about his girlfriend . . . » Aphrodite, posted by daisym on November 13, 2004, at 22:01:46
I think you're right that I am jealous of the connectedness. The more I thought about this issue, I recall being equally jealous last Christmas when he spoke about doing things for his parents. I was jealous I didn't have parents to spend the holidays with.
I think (I know) I've created this self-disclosure monster. I used to complain about him being an enigma. Everytime he disclosed, it made me feel closer to him, and he could tell. So, I think it's something he uses as a tool when I am distancing myself from him. The poor guy can't win with me; I'm complaining either way.
Posted by Aphrodite on November 15, 2004, at 12:54:52
In reply to Re: He keeps talking about his girlfriend . . . » Aphrodite, posted by Froso on November 15, 2004, at 11:13:05
> Maybe it's for a purpose, to make you feel like that and respond and he hasn't had the "normal" reaction from you yet which is to be honest and tell him it makes you uncomfortable.
I hope he isn't waiting too long for a "normal" reaction from me. He'll never get one!
Seriously, you could be right. I hide/cover my true feelings very, very well. He once said he couldn't wait for me to get angry with him or throw a tantrum. Maybe he's trying to push my buttons. It's working! Thanks for the insight.
Posted by Aphrodite on November 15, 2004, at 12:56:39
In reply to Re: He keeps talking about his girlfriend . . ., posted by sunny10 on November 15, 2004, at 12:38:41
> Maybe HE's attracted to YOU and he's really just reminding himself that he has a girlfriend?
>Wow, now there's a thought! Strangely though, a lot about the girlfriend comes up in comparison in which something I'm interested in or do or say is like his girlfriend. Hmmm...
Posted by Joslynn on November 15, 2004, at 13:51:56
In reply to He keeps talking about his girlfriend . . ., posted by Aphrodite on November 13, 2004, at 18:41:36
Then there are the ones who say little negative things about their spouses or girlfriends. That can be very confusing too, in a different sort of way than the positive things. They should just leave their significant others out of it! It seems like a really basic tenet of therapy, from the stuff I've read, yet it's suprising how some Ts can slip in this area.
Knowing what I know now, I would speak up about this. It's really not the point of therapy for them to discuss THEIR significant others, even anecdotally. Just my .02.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 15, 2004, at 15:19:38
In reply to Re: He keeps talking about his girlfriend . . ., posted by Joslynn on November 15, 2004, at 13:51:56
Posted by Susan47 on November 15, 2004, at 18:34:43
In reply to Re: , Losing a Therapist » Susan47, posted by annierose on November 15, 2004, at 5:23:19
It would take a lot to hurt my feelings, actually. I'm learning to have a really thick skin, and I rather like that, having been someone all my life whose skin was too thin. So now, I'm telling everybody that this therapist is not the only one for me, he's just the last one. I'm actually okay, feeling very good, not like I need a therapist, just a good male friend, someone, you know, who's not the same sex but a good listener? But a real person, not a therapist. My therapist helped me accept men, and realize that they DON'T hold all the power. Sheesh, this is a long process and I WILL get past all this. I look at the way I was in August and I'm really pretty happy with my progress, actually. Even though it might frustrate some.
Posted by Aphrodite on November 15, 2004, at 20:24:25
In reply to Let us know if/when you bring it up! (nm), posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 15, 2004, at 15:19:38
Thanks for your encouragement. I was all good and ready to bring it up today. I was waiting for him to do it (he always does), and then I wanted to use that as my opening. Wouldn't you know it that today was the day he was completely focused on me? He didn't say a word about himself.
My timing has always been off!
This is the end of the thread.
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