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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on November 5, 2004, at 14:15:15
I know that many others, here, have struggled or are struggling with talking about childhood abuse: sexual, physical and/or emotional.
My therapist said that I am blocking my childhood out because I don't want to go back there. She never pushes me, just said that she would never intentionally hurt me and if I am hurt talking about anything to tell her.
I kept telling her my childhood wasn't that bad, but in other sessions I have told her some of the bad things, so she knows it isn't true. She told me that she thinks that my brother did some really bad things to me. And that I don't like the idea of bringing them back into my present life.
I first admitted that is true (it is) but then denied anything happened to me. I know she doesn't believe me, she's said many times that I am in denial to protect myself.
I can't say that talking about what happened will hurt me as I won't talk about it. Unfortunately I think about it, now more than ever, and that means carrying it with me everywhere.
How do you do it? How do you talk about bad things from childhood? I am going to try and bury it all again (and again and again) but I know that won't work in the long term.
Poet
Posted by alexandra_k on November 5, 2004, at 16:14:48
In reply to Struggling to talk about childhood abuse, posted by Poet on November 5, 2004, at 14:15:15
Hey Poet, I hear you. My T just started asking me questions about one of my abusive relationships last week. I talked to him fairly honestly about it, but I did disconnect emotionally from what I was saying. I thought I was okay when I left the session, but the flashbacks and ruminations have been a bit worse since then. I am now glad that I only see him fortnightly!
I too swing between 'nothing really happened to me' and 'my childhood was a living hell'. I suspect the truth lies somewhere in between. It sounds like you need to take this pretty slow. I have found that the trouble with trying to avoid or repress trauma, is that it surfaces in flashbacks and ruminations and depression and anger. I think it always does have an impact on ones present life. But then I am also scaired that by talking about it it will get worse before it gets any better and I am not sure whether I am strong enough for things to get too much worse.
> How do you do it? How do you talk about bad things from childhood? I am going to try and bury it all again (and again and again) but I know that won't work in the long term.
I want to say how about trying to write it down and then giving it to your T. You could ask them to read it before or during session and then give it back so there is no record (due to the sensitive nature of the disclosure). But then I am not sure whether I am starting to use writing rather than seeing people in person because it allows me to distance myself emotionally from what I am saying without them noticing. Maybe it is just my avoidance... I don't know. I would be interested to hear what other people may say.
Hang in there. It has to get better.
Posted by daisym on November 5, 2004, at 16:29:40
In reply to Struggling to talk about childhood abuse, posted by Poet on November 5, 2004, at 14:15:15
Poet,
First, I want to say I'm so sorry you are hurting. I totally understand the desire to bury all the bad stuff. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.There is no one way to do it...I think everyone has their own tricks. It felt especially hard for me because I had never talked about it...told my husband two sentences, and that was it. And it wasn't even what I went into therapy for. I think we started with really big broad phrases..."I was sexual abused," I didn't even say by whom. It took lots of tries and sometimes I would just sit in tears. But eventually more and more pieces got put together and I would write down whole events and bring them and read them. I didn't read them outloud at first, I gave them to him to read. It still isn't easy to say any of the words.
I've written about this here before, but we did an exercise where he had me tell him about my childhood homes...what did my bedroom look like, where was mom's room, etc. These descriptions brought up powerful emotions, and released lots of the memories that had been stored. Maybe if you start talking about your brother in general...what you did together, why he was mean to you, it might spark things. I'd tell you just let go and let it out, but that didn't work for me.
I would also recommend the workbook that goes with "Courage To Heal" It has really good exercises to help you through this. We did many of the exercises together, during sessions.
Don't push yourself too hard. But this is a horrible weight to be carrying around by yourself. My therapist said that to me this week, it is an impossible task for one person, but together we can get through it. Let her help you not feel so alone with it.
Posted by lifeworthliving on November 5, 2004, at 19:59:50
In reply to Struggling to talk about childhood abuse, posted by Poet on November 5, 2004, at 14:15:15
poet,
i know this struggle but don't know that i have any helpful answers. i think over time it might get easier? i still struggle to eek out stories and i've been in therapy for more than 2 years. like daisy, this wasn't the reason i went to therapy (not that i tought anyway). when talking about it i almost always get sleepy, feel sickish, and am certain i'm some kind of a fraud. i write a lot and notice i abbreviate or try to find nicer words to decsribe things that are not pleasant as a way to ease into it... so it isn't so shocking to me (and maybe my therapist?)i'm curious to know if anyone here feels impossibly gross after therapy... that oh-my-gawd-the-words-out-and-someone-knows kind of dirty?
Posted by Daisym on November 5, 2004, at 20:51:26
In reply to Re: Struggling to talk about childhood abuse, posted by lifeworthliving on November 5, 2004, at 19:59:50
You have no idea how much I feel like "EVERYONE KNOWS!!!" I dream of headlines, or speeches, or big fights where I blurt. And I always feel like I'm on the verge of getting in trouble.
Not only that, but when I tell really yucky stories, I end up calling my therapist and apologizing for being either too graphic, too weepy or too "much". It is so hard to talk about. The first time after I told I went home and threw up.
But it does get easier...so keep trying.
Posted by Aphrodite on November 6, 2004, at 8:20:53
In reply to Struggling to talk about childhood abuse, posted by Poet on November 5, 2004, at 14:15:15
Poet, I am struggling with the same thing. I've wrestled with the issue during my entire year of therapy. I finally this week started to tell the details. I told him there was so much that I didn't know where to start. He led by asking me some specific questions, and it sort of opened the floodgates. It was so, so hard, but I am very relieved. It broke the hold the particular memory had over me by sharing. It's like the isolation was broken and someone bore witness to the pain. It hurt but in a more productive way, if that makes any sense.
You may not be ready. I have trouble with trust, and I think I had to fight for security in my relationship with him to begin. Don't push yourself, but if you want to venture in, ask your T to ask you some questions. You could even say, "Ask me what my life was like and what I was doing when I was 10 years old."
(((Poet)))
Posted by Poet on November 8, 2004, at 0:06:55
In reply to Re: Struggling to talk about childhood abuse » Poet, posted by alexandra_k on November 5, 2004, at 16:14:48
Hi Alexandra,
I got scared that last time I wrote things down for her to read. That was the session where I quit therapy for two weeks. Though it would be a way for her to get answers to her questions, without me having to say it out loud.
I could ask her not to refer to anything unless I bring it up. She would do that.
I'll let you know. I see her Thursday.
Poet
Posted by Poet on November 8, 2004, at 0:29:53
In reply to Re: Struggling to talk about childhood abuse » Poet, posted by daisym on November 5, 2004, at 16:29:40
Hi Daisy,
I think that writing it down might be the only way that I can do this. I know that if I asked her not to mention it until I bring it up (danger is that I may not bring it up) she would respect it.
I don't want to do 20 questions with her until she guesses right. That's how she got what little she knows.
I know that I need to talk/write about this and that burying it is a short term solution. With Thanksgiving a few weeks away, I don't know if I can bury it deep enough for anger and resentment not to come out. Family gatherings are hostile enough without me losing it. Loving, we are not.
Thanks so much for your help. I know how much of a struggle you are in right now.
Poet
Posted by Poet on November 8, 2004, at 0:47:10
In reply to Re: Struggling to talk about childhood abuse, posted by lifeworthliving on November 5, 2004, at 19:59:50
Hi lifeworthliving,
What little my therapist knows she got by asking questions and then guessing from my vague answers.
I have told her that I regret ever letting her guess anything. When she brings it up I remind her that I don't talk about it. She doesn't push, just lets it go, but the look on her face says *you need to talk about this.*I know I do, but as you and so many others know, it's just so hard.
I'll try writing. She will respect me if I ask her to give it back to me after she's done reading it. I've let her read some poetry and she always asks if she can keep it.
Thanks for your help and understanding.
Poet
Posted by Poet on November 8, 2004, at 0:56:52
In reply to Re: Struggling to talk about childhood abuse » Poet, posted by Aphrodite on November 6, 2004, at 8:20:53
Hi Aphrodite,
I have big trust issues, especially around anything from my childhood.
I am going to write things down and give it to her to read. That might help me to talk about it. Maybe not in the same session, but she never pushes me, so it could go super slow.
I do need to break the memory of things. Burying it does not work for long.
Thank you for your help.
Poet
Posted by gardenergirl on November 8, 2004, at 13:08:22
In reply to Re: Struggling to talk about childhood abuse » Aphrodite, posted by Poet on November 8, 2004, at 0:56:52
((((((((Poet)))))))))
I wish you strength and courage in this. I'm sure it's extrememly difficult. I'm glad you are still working with your T.
And for all who have posted, I wish the same, and I thank you for sharing about how hard this is. I think hearing your experiences will make me a better T.
Thanks,
gg
Posted by B2Chica on November 9, 2004, at 12:16:05
In reply to Struggling to talk about childhood abuse, posted by Poet on November 5, 2004, at 14:15:15
Poet,
didn't realize we had so much in common.i'm nervous as heck right now. getting ready to meet new T. 1 hour commute, leave work in 1/2 hour.
it took me 5 months with last T before i even Started to hint as some things. then bang...T gone sept 8th.
since then i've been very happy (sort of fake), pushed it all down again. but i know it's bubbling. i don't even LIKE to touch on the subject of childhood. i want to say...nope, i'm fine, grew up great.
and of course those that meet my family say gee how 'great'.
there are secrets that i'm afraid that if i even admit them outloud that it will ruin what 'family' i've created.
my hubby doesn't have a clue and i never want him too.i guess i didn't have any words of wisdom. but your words reminated in my mind of things i said while i was seeing my last T.
please, keep in touch on how it's going for you. i'm mostly scared that once i open this can of gross worms again it'll change everything. i want my secrets to stay secret, yet i want help.
it's a constant struggle.
all i can say is Hang in there and Please know you are so VERY NOT ALONE, with your pain.
I CARE.take care
B2c.
Posted by antigua on November 9, 2004, at 12:36:47
In reply to Struggling to talk about childhood abuse, posted by Poet on November 5, 2004, at 14:15:15
I've been thinking about what you wrote and trying to find something hopeful to say to you. You know by all the responses that you certainly aren't alone, and there are many people here who will help you along this journey if you want them to.
I found that the "intellectualizing" approach in recounting my abuse worked for a very long time. I simply recited the facts as they came into my conscious memory, as if it wasn't me who it had happened to or if it had any effect on me. I was the reporter; very little emotion involved, except for perhaps disgust and shame directed toward myself at times after I had disclosed.
I am the Queen of Denial. Even faced with evidence I wonder if I've made it all up, but my heart (and body) tell me otherwise. I've told my T so many times, "Oh no, that wasn't me, that wasn't him, no way am I going to believe it." But the memories come from somewhere... and when the pieces fit together you can get a real insight to what it was like for the younger girl and you can start to sort out how it affects you now.
IMO if you have feelings when you recount these things to your T than you are making progress--you are connected to the feelings. Mine are so separate and it has taken me so long. Last week I had a "feelings" memory and that scared me more than anything because I wasn't sure what I was so afraid of. I've never felt that way before and while it was very painful I know it was progress.
Just try to get it all out. It doesn't have to make sense or be logical. The more info you and your T have to go on, the more you can work on this. Getting it out will make you feel so much better, and try not to worry too much (or censor) what you have to say. You have a good T and have established a trusting relationship.
Sometimes I just hide behind my hands and don't look at her. Sometimes I want to hide under her desk or behind the chair. I really want to hide in her closet and talk to her through the door, but I bet it's a mess in there! (I used to hide in the closet as a kid). I tell her to turn the lights off so I don't have to look at her--I do whatever it takes to get it out.
Hang in there Poet, you've made such great progress,
antigua
Posted by daisym on November 9, 2004, at 23:50:31
In reply to Re: Struggling to talk about childhood abuse (long » Poet, posted by antigua on November 9, 2004, at 12:36:47
Antigua,
I have this great picture of you hiding in the closet, talking through a crack to your therapist. Whatever it takes, right? Didn't someone on here say they use to hide under a blanket on their therapist's couch? I find a leaf outside the window and "put" myself out on it while I tell stories sometimes.I had one of those powerful story dreams last night. So I wrote it down and then wrote a journal page about it, writing directly to my therapist. I took it in today and we had a deep session, tough and intense, but ultimately very connecting. At the end, I asked him about bringing in writings. I said I know the goal is to be able to "just" talk about stuff. He said that, over time, he has come to realize that when I write I go to some deep, old places, and I actually censor less. So he said not to let anyone tell me I'm doing therapy "wrong"... everyone finds their own way. He said I'm doing exactly what I should be, and I'm exactly as far a long as I should be too. He likes that I'm sharing more of my writings these days and he would be sad to stop seeing them. I felt very reassured by this.
Like I said, whatever it takes. (Poet, are you reading this??)
Posted by Poet on November 10, 2004, at 10:39:56
In reply to Re: Struggling to talk about childhood abuse, posted by gardenergirl on November 8, 2004, at 13:08:22
Thanks, GG.
I need all the strength and courage I can muster up.
Poet
Posted by Poet on November 10, 2004, at 10:52:57
In reply to Re: Struggling to talk about childhood abuse » Poet, posted by B2Chica on November 9, 2004, at 12:16:05
Hi B2Chica,
I want my secrets to stay secret, too. I want to just go in there tomorrow and say, I have no idea of what you are talking about.
My childhood really wasn't that bad. Repeat until I sound convincing.
I am going to write it down and try not to rip it up.
Thanks for caring. I'll post updates.
Poet
Posted by Poet on November 10, 2004, at 10:57:01
In reply to Re: Struggling to talk about childhood abuse (long » antigua, posted by daisym on November 9, 2004, at 23:50:31
Hi Daisy,
Your therapist is right, you can't do therapy wrong. I was a mess when I quit therapy, I know I need her, and that it's time I stopped denying and started sharing.
I am writing it down and I am going to try hard not to rip it up before she sees it.
Poet
Posted by Poet on November 10, 2004, at 11:07:31
In reply to Re: Struggling to talk about childhood abuse (long » Poet, posted by antigua on November 9, 2004, at 12:36:47
Hi Antigua,
I think we both rule Denial Land. I wish my T had a closet to hide in or a desk to hide under. I'll have to hide behind a pillow or put the blanket over my head. Or both. And move the love seat from the wall and hide behind it.
Thanks so much for caring, it's good, but sad to know that I am not alone in my struggle.
Poet
Posted by shrinking violet on November 10, 2004, at 18:05:18
In reply to Re: Struggling to talk about childhood abuse (long » antigua, posted by Poet on November 10, 2004, at 11:07:31
{{{{poet}}}}
Just wishing you luck for your appt tomorrow. You can do this. It's scary, but it's time to stop hiding, time to let it go. I'm trying to keep that in mind for myself too. Keep us posted. <3
SV
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