Posted by antigua on November 9, 2004, at 12:36:47
In reply to Struggling to talk about childhood abuse, posted by Poet on November 5, 2004, at 14:15:15
I've been thinking about what you wrote and trying to find something hopeful to say to you. You know by all the responses that you certainly aren't alone, and there are many people here who will help you along this journey if you want them to.
I found that the "intellectualizing" approach in recounting my abuse worked for a very long time. I simply recited the facts as they came into my conscious memory, as if it wasn't me who it had happened to or if it had any effect on me. I was the reporter; very little emotion involved, except for perhaps disgust and shame directed toward myself at times after I had disclosed.
I am the Queen of Denial. Even faced with evidence I wonder if I've made it all up, but my heart (and body) tell me otherwise. I've told my T so many times, "Oh no, that wasn't me, that wasn't him, no way am I going to believe it." But the memories come from somewhere... and when the pieces fit together you can get a real insight to what it was like for the younger girl and you can start to sort out how it affects you now.
IMO if you have feelings when you recount these things to your T than you are making progress--you are connected to the feelings. Mine are so separate and it has taken me so long. Last week I had a "feelings" memory and that scared me more than anything because I wasn't sure what I was so afraid of. I've never felt that way before and while it was very painful I know it was progress.
Just try to get it all out. It doesn't have to make sense or be logical. The more info you and your T have to go on, the more you can work on this. Getting it out will make you feel so much better, and try not to worry too much (or censor) what you have to say. You have a good T and have established a trusting relationship.
Sometimes I just hide behind my hands and don't look at her. Sometimes I want to hide under her desk or behind the chair. I really want to hide in her closet and talk to her through the door, but I bet it's a mess in there! (I used to hide in the closet as a kid). I tell her to turn the lights off so I don't have to look at her--I do whatever it takes to get it out.
Hang in there Poet, you've made such great progress,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:412239
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041104/msgs/413823.html