Shown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 23, 2004, at 11:24:24
Daisy's post above about her attachment style made me think about my own. Unfortunately, it's not all of a piece: the adult me is very securely attached, and feels very fortunate to have found this wonderful analyst. However, the two younger parts feel very differently- they are longing to trust and feel safe, but only are able to do so intermittently. Most of the time, the feelings they express are painfully insecurely attached. These parts feel that he is going to ignore, hate and leave them. Right now, even more than talking about the memories of abuse, we talk about their painful attachment difficulties. They are exploring just how they can have a new and happier experience with him, and he is offering himself to them for a good new experience. God, is this hard to do!
Posted by daisym on October 24, 2004, at 0:35:32
In reply to What kind of attachment do you have?, posted by Pfinstegg on October 23, 2004, at 11:24:24
I echo the part that "this is so hard to do!"
I think I put it in a post above that my therapist came right out and told me that I have an insecure attachment to him. This came up because I needed (and got) a lot of verbal reassurance from him this week. The other thing he did say was that he could see that I "just" needed it and really wasn't in any shape to explore "why" I needed it. Thank goodness.
I'm pretty sure that my younger self is securely attached to him. But she freaks out the adult with her wants and needs. So "we" continue to struggle internally, which only feeds my insecure attachment at the adult level. *sigh* This is a very painful place to be.
The other thing is that I *think* I have a maternal attachment, that need to regulate my internal state by merging with my therapist for a while. It could be paternal, I guess, but it doesn't feel that way right now.
I ask for the rules around this attachment at leasst once per month. I want the ONE CORRECT answer about how attached is too attached and I also want to know how to survive it when I'm hurting and not with him. (Ok, intellectually I KNOW I will, and I know there isn't one right answer but I want it...stomp, stomp!)
Another question is how do you, if you do, explain this intense attachment to anyone IRL? They just don't get it.
Posted by Annierose on October 24, 2004, at 6:46:07
In reply to Re: What kind of attachment do you have? » Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on October 24, 2004, at 0:35:32
Dasiym - IRL it's hard for friends and family to understand, I think it freaks them out a bit, so I don't talk about it with most. My husband is very understanding and supportive of my therapy but I don't tell him how much I carry my T with me (in my head) during the course of a day. We'll discuss some thoughts that have come up in therapy, but he wouldn't get the intense feelings I have for the therapist herself ... the falling in love, you are so wonderful ... those feelings.
In another post, garden girl was talking about client idealization, but I'm not sure that is what I'm feeling.
To answer Phinstegg's question, right now I have a postive loving attachment. But I'm not sure how to label it beyond that. It doesn't feel maternal or paternal, although I have issues of emotional abandonment with both. She is relatively close to me in age and I knew her 20 years ago when we both got of college (me, undergrad, her - masters program, still working on the PhD). I guess I look up to her as a wise and caring friend. We've only been working together for a year now, so I haven't gotten to the *I hate you*, *I want to quit* part. Doesn't it seem that always comes up? I hope not this time. Enough of my ramble. -Annie
Posted by Dinah on October 24, 2004, at 9:04:10
In reply to What kind of attachment do you have?, posted by Pfinstegg on October 23, 2004, at 11:24:24
Secure maternal attachment that is starting to get complicated by my concern for him and my desire to caretake him. I think that may have something to do with the symbiotic mutually beneficial relationship I had with my parents at the good end of the extremely dichotomous relationship I had with them.
Healthy lack of extreme attachment. But overall respect for him and trust that he wouldn't willingly hurt me. Just minimal trust that he wouldn't profit off of me. Sigh. I'm still not sure whether he really likes my income stream, or if he thinks I'm more troubled than I like to think I am.
Posted by Bent on October 24, 2004, at 10:58:16
In reply to Re: What kind of attachment do you have?, posted by Annierose on October 24, 2004, at 6:46:07
Your post reminded me of an odd session with my therapist. My attachment started out being very insecure. I constantly feared abandonemnt or that my feelings would be *too much* for my T to handle. It's amazing to how after two years that insecurity is fading. I never thought it would leave. I really dont think my T is going to leave me now, in fact I think she knows the best thing will be for me to be able to leave her (thats hard to think about).
I did (and do) have times in therapy where i think I *hate* my T. One day during a silence she asked what I was thinking and I, out of know where, said "that I hate you." I felt so horrible for saying such a thing to this nice woman but we talked about it. Its the angry child in me that hates her sometimes. I know I dont hate her. I dont dislike her - good grief i pay good money to see her!! But that angry girl in me was mad that my T cant love her. It was a good session really, but i did apologize several time for saying i hate you. :)
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 24, 2004, at 12:24:47
In reply to Re: What kind of attachment do you have? » Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on October 24, 2004, at 0:35:32
I wouldn't even try to explain it to a friend, unless she had also been in therapy- then she would automatically know, and it becomes almost a bond of sorts. Recently, my husband (perhaps in part because of seeing and feeling changes in me which made our relationship less comfortable) began seeing a woman therapist. He very quickly developed very strong positive feelings about her. Strangely, I am not at all jealous- but glad for him. I know it's going to help him and us.
As for me, I have a much more serious background of abuse than he does, so I have to accept that I am going to have a more disorganized, insecure attachment style in the beginning than he does. It's my deepest wish to have an "earned secure attachment" with my analyst- that''s what I'm working towards with every bit of energy I possess.
Posted by gardenergirl on October 24, 2004, at 14:22:12
In reply to Re: What kind of attachment do you have? » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on October 24, 2004, at 12:24:47
I would say I am securely attached to my T. It's a good feeling. I haven't felt a great deal of fear about him terminating me or being too much for him to handle. I did have an issue with worrying about him being disappointed in me when I disclosed something I had done and regretted. Intellectually, I knew he wouldn't be, but the shame I felt was so strong I projected it onto him. But it wound up okay. (I still would LOVE to know what his own internal feeling about it was, but then again, I also believe he doesn't withhold from me, so that's always my dilemma.)
I once said something to my mother about therapy and she responded with her usual criticism/alarm saying I was too dependent on him. Uh, Mom...that is supposed to happen. That is good. At least for now. So I don't talk about that aspect much. Even with the friend I have who also sees him. Either she is much more removed from the relationship or perhaps more conflicted about it, because she didn't seem to resonate with it when I mentioned it.
So that's just one thing I save for Babble and nowhere else.
gg
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 24, 2004, at 16:25:58
In reply to What kind of attachment do you have?, posted by Pfinstegg on October 23, 2004, at 11:24:24
Thanks everyone! I feel so bad to be so insecurely attached to such a wonderful T, and it gives me hope to see that some people actually have, or are working their way towards, a secure attachment. I don't feel so alone with these feelings now- more accepting of them, and more hopeful of the future. Thanks.
Posted by shrinking violet on October 24, 2004, at 18:19:00
In reply to What kind of attachment do you have?, posted by Pfinstegg on October 23, 2004, at 11:24:24
I'm not able to respond to this as I would have liked since, as you know, I recently quit with my T and I think it would be too hard to discuss this topic.
But I just wanted to respond and offer my support and understanding--you've been so sweet in responding to my post, I just wanted to try to do the same for you in some way. :)
SV
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 24, 2004, at 21:01:42
In reply to Re: What kind of attachment do you have? » Pfinstegg, posted by shrinking violet on October 24, 2004, at 18:19:00
Thank you so much, SV. With all the struggles I'm having, I do have a wonderful analyst. Although I know you don't a T right now, I hope you will find a great one in the future, if you want one. Thanks and best luck to you!
Posted by Daisym on October 24, 2004, at 23:54:25
In reply to Re: What kind of attachment do you have? » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on October 24, 2004, at 12:24:47
I met several therapist this weekend and while most were...hmmm...not what I would want in a therapist I did meet a woman who talked about Kohut and Winnicott and attachment and touch and infant massage. SOO, I sat next to her at dinner and we had a lively conversation about attachment in adults and therapy. She does what my therapist does in many ways, and we talked about Shore's theories. I told her about my therapist giving me his talsiman and his picture when he went on vacation and she thought that was a fabulous idea and wished she had heard of it before. This conversation was way more fun than the actual work of the Board meeting. She is in southern cal but we are going to keep in touch via email.
So, I guess IRL isn't impossible. I think it is interesting that your hubby has become attached too. Does he ever share this part of therapy with his buddies? (I'd guess not.)
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 25, 2004, at 13:26:49
In reply to Re: What kind of attachment do you have? » Pfinstegg, posted by Daisym on October 24, 2004, at 23:54:25
It's really fun when you find a kindred spirit at a conference! It sounds as though it was easy and natural to talk about some of the things you care about most- and it might really develop into a friendship!
My hubby is thrilled with his therapist (also an analyst, but he sees her only twice a week), but when it comes to his friends, or even his own family, it's going to remain a HUGE SECRET! One things that's nice- we can share things about it with each other.
PS I loved what your therapist did with the talisman and photo, too- and all of the caring words that went with that. It might not work so well if therapists aren't as comfortable as yours is with stepping outside the box on special occasions.
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