Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 406137

Shown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I don't like these questions

Posted by LittleGirlLost on October 22, 2004, at 19:23:23

I had to email my T today... the hurt was just too much. The problem is though that I don't know how to express it. I'm afraid to cry (and don't), but I'm also afraid to even talk about it. So I think that is part of the problem, that it doesn't get expressed.

Anyway I said that I couldn't take the hurt anymore, and that I didn't know what to do with it. She responded and asked what is the hurt feeling trying to say. I hate these types of questions. I honestly don't know what it's trying to say.... I never do. I never know how to answer these questions and just end up feeling dumb.

LGL

 

Re: I don't like these questions

Posted by Annierose on October 22, 2004, at 20:03:39

In reply to I don't like these questions, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 22, 2004, at 19:23:23

Just to give you some ideas she may be thinking of ...
Are you feeling lonely? Are you angry? What are the tears you are holding back, holding back from?
Is it frustration? A longing to connect with someone?
I don't know, but try to put that pain into words.
I feel ....
I find the more I try to do down that path, the easier it gets to express that feeling. It's not an easy thing to do, but it can be learned. Try writing it down, without editing yourself. Your T sounds extremely supportive and caring. Good Luck

 

Re: I don't like these questions » LittleGirlLost

Posted by daisym on October 23, 2004, at 2:59:15

In reply to I don't like these questions, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 22, 2004, at 19:23:23

I have struggled with this same issue for a very long time, months and months. I often say "I don't understand the intensity of this need to connect with you..." We've worked hard to examine this need and it is definately a very young part of me that was left too often, not seen, not heard and did not get her needs met. We talk a lot about secure and insecure attachments and my need to establish a safe base. My therapist is the first real safe base I've ever allowed...I need him instead of someone needing me. And this terrifies me. And it calls out in me this need to keep checking that he is still out there, holding me emotionally. Think of a young child and how they explore their environment but keep checking in to see where mom or dad are. Or a child who has been in daycare all day and has a melt down as soon as their safe person shows up...the regression that happens in therapy can call up these old feelings.

I have struggled to try to figure out if I'm feeding the monster by caving in and calling him or going for extra sessions. He feels that if we have lots of contact, I will grow more secure in my attachment and trust and the need to touch base so often will ease off.

Can you ask yourself if these feelings are very young? Does this feel like a maternal attachment?
The other thing we have done is worked on ways I can carry my therapist with me more, especially over the weekends. This was a weird concept for me at first because I felt like I wasn't supposed to internalize him, think about him or need to hear his reassurances in my own head. But I have learned that there is a whole idea about reforming and strengthing your core self by borrowing your therapist's core for awhile. This merging and separating is healing.

It will get better soon. Hang in there.
Daisy

 

Re: I don't like these questions » LittleGirlLost

Posted by shrinking violet on October 23, 2004, at 12:18:20

In reply to I don't like these questions, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 22, 2004, at 19:23:23

oh hon, I know how hard it is. My lack of being able to express (or even feel) feelings, etc has been a major struggle between my T and I and, ultimately, caused me to quit with her :(

I hated those questions too. Like you, I was like "WHAT?!?" Could you try to write them down? Try to write about how you think it does feel, and don't worry about being "right" or "wrong." And then maybe bring it to next session? Or maybe draw how it feels on the inside, or search for images on Google, or find a passage in a novel that expresses what it is you feel. Then bring these things to session and maybe working with something more tangible will help you begin to express this. Please hang in there and keep trying. Your T sounds great, too. :)

SV

 

DaisyM that was great!! (nm)

Posted by shrinking violet on October 23, 2004, at 12:19:26

In reply to Re: I don't like these questions » LittleGirlLost, posted by daisym on October 23, 2004, at 2:59:15

 

Re: I don't like these questions » daisym

Posted by Skittles on October 23, 2004, at 15:26:08

In reply to Re: I don't like these questions » LittleGirlLost, posted by daisym on October 23, 2004, at 2:59:15

Daisy, I'm so envious that you've been able to actually TALK about this with your T. I can't bring myself to call mine between sessions or even utter the words, "I need you." Probably because I've been fighting the feelings myself. I think my way of giving in a little was to ask for more than 1 appointment each week. I so very much want to tell her more about how I'm feeling, but I'm afraid that it would make me more vulnerable and open to more chance of being hurt. Could you share any specific response your T has given you when you've shared these things? I'm sure his words were perfection and maybe hearing about it would help me build my own courage.

The way you related your need to those of children really hit home with me. My dear friend has THE most precious little four-year-old boy. Last week, when we dropped him off for Mother's Day Out he said "Mom, I'm going to give you a really big kiss so you remember that I'm here and that you have a son." Later that evening I kept him while my friend went to bible study. As soon as she left, he told me "I have a hard time when my Mom's gone so I need you to hold my hand really tight. And don't let go until I say I'm ready, okay?" I had to hold back my tears because I envied this beautiful child who was so much more comfortable with having needs and asking that they be met than I think I could ever be. I held on tight for 4 hours until Mom got home.

 

Re: I don't like these questions » Skittles

Posted by daisym on October 24, 2004, at 0:56:15

In reply to Re: I don't like these questions » daisym, posted by Skittles on October 23, 2004, at 15:26:08

The thing about my therapist is that he is gentle but persistant when he wants to know something. He believes very strongly that the relationship is the healing factor here, so he explores it with me a lot. He pretty much straight out asks things, like if I said I had a hard weekend, he might say, "why?" and I'll say somthing and he'll say, "did you think about calling me? Or would it have helped if we had been able to talk?" He often asks me if I was upset with him for this or that. Like when he got back from vacation. I tried so hard to be matter of fact, even though I had a horrible time for lots of reasons. He just looksed at me and said, "she's mad at me." (He was referring to my younger self.) And I just shook my head yes and we go from there. It use to be way more scary to hear him label those feelings than it is now. Not that it still isn't hard sometimes. I have to force myself to say outloud so much of what I'm thinking.

I have to tell you though, it was a huge relief to say, "I have all these intense feelings, most of them about you and therapy and I don't know if they are OK." His response was that not only were they OK, but they were expected and appropriate.

Risk telling your therapist. I'm betting it will be worth it.


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