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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 9:20:24
Therapist has health concerns in his own family. Not sure when he'll be available. It hurt to hear him so shaky when he called to cancel. I wish I could make everything better for everyone I care about.
What I call my stool of support has one leg dead, two legs preoccupied (quite understandably and rightly) with problems of their own. While weight is bearing down on me, and support is needed.
Acting out under the circumstances would seem excessively rude. I'm medicated up the wazoo, and I suppose I'll have to remain so indefinitely. But I also have work to do that's difficult to do when chuck full of Risperdal and Klonopin.
I hurt so much for those I care about who are hurting.
But I also wonder if it would be ok to call the EMDR therapist I didn't hate. Or the therapist my therapist wanted to be my backup therapist when he was at the clinic. Would that be rude to my therapist? Don't suggest my pdoc. He's absolutely useless for therapy.
Babble is my only intact leg of support. (And given Admin events, it seems a bit shaky.) And that hardly seems fair to you guys.
I'm off to work to muddle through as best I can the backlog waiting for me there. Not easy considering how much meds are flooding my system.
This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
Anyone have spare wishes that it can pass quickly? If this med strategy doesn't work, I think it's the hospital for me. And that seems sort of rude to my therapist. And it will leave my husband without the support he needs, and my son without the caretaker he needs, since virtually all the family is laid up or preoccupied with someone laid up.
I'm trying to be strong. But I'm just not.
Posted by Aphrodite on October 18, 2004, at 10:52:29
In reply to Not so ridiculous anymore, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 9:20:24
I think this is one of the scariest things about our situations. We patch together some kind of support system, the strongest of which is our therapists. Then we have Plans B and C. (OK, I'm worried, I only have Plan B, and it's not so hot.) Anyway, it seems that when it is strongly needed and called upon, it falls apart, and you realize how vulnerable you really are. It's kind of like putting a bunch of blue tarps on the roofs after a hurricane. It works for awhile, you're trying to get the resources to make better and more permanent repairs, and then another hurricane comes and rips down all those blue tarps you've carefully pieced together.
It seems to me, Dinah, that you need another blue tarp for now. I see nothing wrong with going to another therapist, and it seems like the just and right solution mainly for you but also for your T. In his current and understandable distraction, I'm sure he would like to know you're being taken care of. If you don't, that's just adding to his suffering not to mention yours. I say go wherever makes you must comfortable knowing that it is only temporary, and I am sure it will help shore you up.
Stay away from Admin, but keep posting and emailing. If you need to go to the hospital, you need to go. The family will be fine; that's why there are two of you to take care of your son. You could and would do it if your husband needed to be in the hospital. Of course, I would have all the same arguments and reservations as you regarding all of these decisions, but if you're not well, you can't take care of everyone else. I know you know this -- it's the old "put the oxygen mask on the mother first" routine -- but it doesn't hurt to have it repeated.
Please follow your intuition and take good, good care of yourself.
(((Dinah)))
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 18, 2004, at 11:18:54
In reply to Not so ridiculous anymore, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 9:20:24
((Dinah)) amen to what Aphrodite said. I completely agree, 100%.
Take care of yourself. Your husband and children will manage. Your T will manage if you see another T. Put yourself first.
Posted by pegasus on October 18, 2004, at 11:34:55
In reply to Re: Not so ridiculous anymore, posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 18, 2004, at 11:18:54
I agree with everyone else so far. Don't worry too much about your T right now. You have had a very tough time lately, and you need to worry most about yourself. You'll work things out with your T later, I'm sure. You two seem to have a very strong relationship. I'm sure he would want you to take care of yourself. And I'm sure he's concerned that he's not there for you when things are so difficult for both of you.
I hope you are giving yourself lots of slack, too, for having a tough time now. You have done *so much* recently for your family. And with your beloved Harry dying, and your husband's family having their own issues, I think it's totally understandable that things would be falling apart for you right now. Just please hang in there and let us help as much as we can. I hope you can balance on this one stool leg (we're a strong one!), or if not that you can create another one or two for yourself, temporarily.
(((Dinah)))
pegasus
Posted by LittleGirlLost on October 18, 2004, at 11:52:00
In reply to Re: Not so ridiculous anymore » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on October 18, 2004, at 10:52:29
((((Dinah)))) Not much more I can say. I agree with everything Aphrodite said.
Take care of yourself.
Posted by fallsfall on October 18, 2004, at 12:31:31
In reply to Not so ridiculous anymore, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 9:20:24
(((((Dinah)))))
We will be here. Stop reading Admin. I haven't read it for months and I feel so much better.
Yes, call whichever therapist you would be more comfortable with - either the EMDR one or the clinic backup one.
To alleviate your guilt over seeing someone else, you can leave your therapist a voice mail message if you want telling him that you want him to take care of himself and his family, and that you have called whoever-you-decide-on for a little support for yourself in the meantime. That you are so sorry that he is having a hard time, and when he is ready you will be so happy to have him come back. But in the meantime you will be OK.
This is completely reasonable. And both of these therapists are people who he has approved you seeing.
Take care of yourself, and let us know how it goes.
Posted by boomarang on October 18, 2004, at 13:01:05
In reply to Re: Not so ridiculous anymore » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on October 18, 2004, at 12:31:31
i'm sorry your life is pulling punches right now. I'm sending positive thoughts and strength your way.
~sara
Posted by daisym on October 18, 2004, at 13:12:26
In reply to Not so ridiculous anymore, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 9:20:24
Dinah, I agree with everyone else about perhaps seeing another therapist. Or, do you have a support group you could go to?
A couple of other suggestions.
Disability is not a bad word. It is there for when we can't function and need financial support to get through an illness. Mental illnessess count. If work is too much stress, than get your pdoc or gp to sign you out for a month. I know it isn't much money, but it is better than zero AND it protects you from getting fired while you pull yourself together.
Now is the time to call in favors and do things easy. Do you a church group or friends who might give you a hand with your son? Or with cooking or cleaning? At least make it easy on yourself and keep food simple. There is nothing wrong with soup and sandwiches or pancakes for dinner. Cheap, easy and clean up is a snap. Btw, your son isn't too young to be helping clean up.
Give yourself another couple of days vacation from your parental obligations too. They have support and help. You can let other people do the day to day stuff for awhile.
And, sometimes the best advice is to be still inside yourself for a minute, and ask whatever higher God you believe in to help you. Give yourself over to the universe and take it an hour at a time.
I'm sorry to hear about your therapist and his family. I hope it isn't something really serious. I know you are worried about him too, on top of everything else. I think your assessment of acting out right now is correct. Don't do anything except keep yourself safe.
You are in my thoughts.
Daisy
Posted by antigua on October 18, 2004, at 13:35:36
In reply to Not so ridiculous anymore, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 9:20:24
I'm sorry your stool is losing its legs, I really am. I send the strongest wishes I have your way.
Go with either of your plans, so you'll feel like you're doing something. I really don't think your T would be upset.
The EMDR might be able to settle you down a little bit if you work on the here and now things that are upsetting you.
good luck,
antigua
Posted by Poet on October 18, 2004, at 15:52:02
In reply to Not so ridiculous anymore, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 9:20:24
(((((((Dinah)))))))
I think it would be okay to call whichever therapist you think would be the most beneficial for you. Your regular T would understand, and it might make his family crisis a little easier knowing that you have someone to talk to during this rough patch.
Working is tough when you're having a meltown. Do you have any sick or vacation days so you could take some time off?
I'm sending you positive thoughts.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 16:09:06
In reply to Re: Not so ridiculous anymore » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on October 18, 2004, at 10:52:29
Actually a couple of good newses. My husband's mother is doing better than expected.
And my therapist's family health crisis didn't turn out to be what they thought, and isn't nearly as serious. So he called me a couple of hours ago to say he could see me today. (No good for me. Too late to arrange childcare.) So we made an appointment for tomorrow morning.
I made sure to tell him that if the immediate giddiness from hearing good news wore off and the stress got to him, that he should feel free to cancel because I was feeling better. (Not a lie, exactly. I'm pretty much sedated on Risperdal and extra Klonopin. I may need to have my work checked extra good, but I don't feel as bad.) He tends to overestimate how much he can do.
But Aphrodite is right. This has highlighted a weakness in my emergency preparedness planning that I have long been aware of. My therapist is a sole practitioner with no backup. And he's a key component of my support team. It was only a matter of time until that caused problems. I'll bring up having a backup therapist again tomorrow, unless it seems like the wrong moment.
I probably do need to find a few extra legs for my support stool as well. Although it really is rotten luck that everyone is having trouble at once. :( And I'm not so good at finding connection. I wish my pdoc wasn't quite so much a blank slate and I felt more comfortable talking to him.
I was a bit surprised how upset I was to hear him shaken. Far more upset than that he was unavailable even. The perils of caring about your therapist, I guess.
Posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 16:11:08
In reply to Some good news for once, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 16:09:06
I'm very grateful for the strength of my Babble support leg. :) Thanks everyone.
Posted by mair on October 18, 2004, at 17:01:11
In reply to Oh, and, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 16:11:08
I hope this is one of those times when one or two bits of positive news make things seem so less overwelming. You have much to much on your plate, but at least you have that all important safety valve.
Mair
Posted by Annierose on October 18, 2004, at 18:51:24
In reply to Oh, and, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 16:11:08
Glad to hear the tide has turned for you. Hopefully things will start improving on all fronts. What a nice T to call and try to reschedule asap ... shows you he knew you needed his support too. Thinking of you, Annie
Posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 20:33:22
In reply to Re: Oh, and, posted by mair on October 18, 2004, at 17:01:11
I hope so, too. I'll let you know when I'm not so sedated. I keep falling asleep whenever I stay still. :)
Posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 20:37:26
In reply to Re: Oh, and, posted by Annierose on October 18, 2004, at 18:51:24
It *was* nice of him. He knows all about my shaky stool, and how much weight he bears.
I really don't want him to feel that weight though. I just want a safety net.
Posted by JenStar on October 18, 2004, at 22:11:46
In reply to Not so ridiculous anymore, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 9:20:24
hi Dinah,
I'm so sorry to hear how tough life is for you right now! I truly hope it gets better. This too WILL pass. Everthing gets better. Ebb and flow...like the tides...it WILL get better. You WILL prevail! Life WILL be fun again!It sounds like you need someone to comfort YOU.
You've been taking care of so many -- your mother, your father, your dog, your husband, your son. It sounds like you've dried out the well of dinah-are-taking and now there is nothing left to care for yourself. I wish you could find some way to give YOU comfort and support and relief.
Do you guys in your family have any spare income that could be used for YOU? Something like a trip -- just to get away. Maybe a spa...kind of like the spas in Germany, where they do more whole-body healing than here in the US. Maybe maid service to come clean your house.
It sounds like the meds are holding your panic and stress JUST at bay...but it's nipping at your heels. To me it sounds like you need a BREAK from all of the stressors in your life!
I don't know what that break would look like...but I hope it comes soon.
Thinking of you with kind thoughts...
JenSTar
Posted by JenStar on October 18, 2004, at 22:19:59
In reply to Not so ridiculous anymore, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 9:20:24
Dinah,
this may be totally off base, and I apologize if I am completely mis-reading the situation. But it sounds like you're just about to break -- your posts read to me like someone who is stretched way too thin and just can't do it anymore.It sounds ALMOST like you might want the hospital less for the outright-mental-services it might provide and more for the get-me-away-from-this-mess-that-is-my-life service that it would concurrently provide.
If that is so (and again, I apologize mightily if I am wrong about this!) are there things you can do to simplify your life for the long term that might allow you to stay away from the hospital? I'm not saying that hospital = bad. If you need it, you should do it. But maybe there are other ways to get the calm you need?
I haven't read all the posts so I don't know exactly all the details, but maybe it's time to put you first. If your parents are being pains, screw them (not literally.) Maybe it's time to cut some strings, sort of, the strings that tie you to great stress and situations that you can't control.
You seem to take on tremendous burdens, and then beat yourself up when you can't fix the un-fixable.
Of COURSE it's OK to see another therapist! Do what you need to provide peace for yourself. Your therapist WANTS you to be healthy and happy and if that means seeing someone else right now, do it! (Even if he didn't want to see you happy for some strange nefarious reasons...you should still look after YOU.)
Anyway, I'm sorry if that sounded like a lecture; it wasn't meant to be. I hope all goes well with you. I wish you all the best and truly, truly hope that you feel better soon!
JenStar
Posted by LittleGirlLost on October 19, 2004, at 8:47:06
In reply to Some good news for once, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 16:09:06
((((Dinah)))) I'm so glad everything worked out for you!
Also got me thinking.... My T is my only support system/person as well, and she's in private practice.... Making me think now what I would do if she had a family emergency or something. Who would I turn to? Also, IF something like that did happen, I wonder if she'd tell me? I'd like to know; but I know almost nothing about her family.
We already had the discussion about if something happened to her... that was an interesting one! But I needed to know. :)
But what if she had a family crisis, or personal crisis? I wonder if she'd tell me? <sigh> Just what I need... something else to think about.LGL
Posted by 64bowtie on October 19, 2004, at 14:25:55
In reply to Not so ridiculous anymore, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 9:20:24
Dear (((Dinah))),
Assuming for a minute that you have no peer, that you are already better than most others I know and care for, how much better than this do you have to be in order to accept yourself as I do??? I sense you only lack acceptance in order to release your dreams...
RSVP
Rod
PS: Acceptance is instantaneous with vast ramafacations, not the other way around... Its not vastly uncomapssing and time consuming demanding exactness and clarity producing momentary feel-good "so-what?" results...
Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2004, at 2:36:44
In reply to Re: Some good news for once » Dinah, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 19, 2004, at 8:47:06
Well, he didn't have much choice about telling me something since he was cancelling at least one session and letting me know more were possible.
And he sounded so shaky that I was scared and sad for him. I don't think he could have hidden that - unless he had someone else call for him.
But I suppose it was a sign of trust on his part that he did tell me what was going on and didn't just say family emergency or whatever. I kind of like that he's willing to be open about those things, because otherwise I'd imagine something even worse, if at all possible.
I tried bringing up the topic of backup for him, but it wasn't the right time. I'll try again when the iron is cold.
Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2004, at 2:48:01
In reply to How much better do you have to be??? » Dinah, posted by 64bowtie on October 19, 2004, at 14:25:55
Well, I'm satisfied with being good enough.
Being good enough means, in this case:
Continuing to meet my obligations as mother to my son. Being interested in his life, listening to him read, appearing to be solid so that he doesn't have to worry about me or about whatever I'm worrying about.
Being available to my husband as he talks about his fears, appearing solid enough that he feels free to "burden" me with them. Picking up the slack on the things he normally does so he can visit with his mother.
Doing what needs to be done for my parents. The minimum of what needs to be done. But what legitimately needs to be done and can't be done by anyone else, since I'm effectively an only child and their main if not only source of help at the moment. That includes some things I have competence with, and some things that I have absolutely no competence with and that frighten and overwhelm me. But they have to be done and I have to do them, even if I think I can't.
Continuing to meet my work obligations, and minimal housework/dog care obligations. And do it sufficiently well despite the fact that other things are taking up time I ordinarily have and despite the fact that the stress of doing those other things are effectively crippling me physically with migraines and emotionally with forgetting sleeps and ruminations. Or else be able to stop the physical and emotional fallout so that I can work effectively.
That's the minimum of how good I have to be. And that is better than what I am now. So yes, I consider myself a failure in light of what needs to be done and what I'm doing.
I ordinarily am relatively good at accepting myself. But trying times call for more than ordinary, and I can't seem to bring forth from myself what is necessary.
Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2004, at 2:51:02
In reply to Re: Not so ridiculous anymore » Dinah, posted by JenStar on October 18, 2004, at 22:19:59
Thanks Jenstar. What you are saying is about what my therapist is saying. Except you're doing it in a nicer way. :)
I'm going to do my best to figure some way out of this mess. But everything is crashing at once, and it's hard to come up with alternatives.
Posted by fallsfall on October 20, 2004, at 7:00:36
In reply to Re: How much better do you have to be???, posted by Dinah on October 20, 2004, at 2:48:01
That is quite a list, Dinah.
Your list has 2 major crises (Supporting your husband through his mother's major illness, and helping your parents transition from being self-sufficient to being dependent - as well as actually doing most of the things that they can no longer do) in addition to the "normal" stuff (being wonderful for your son and getting work done).
One of those crises would throw anyone for a loop. The two at once is too much for anyone.
Yes, you have to still be a mom, and you still have to work. But just like you are picking up the slack for your husband, perhaps your mothering and working can be *temporarily* not quite as good as they usually are. Maybe your son can understand that what *he* can do to help his grandparents is to pick up his toys without an argument (he could even write grandparents a letter telling them how he is being extra cooperative and asking if that helps them feel better [I bet it would help them feel better...]). I'm not saying that you should make it his problem - just that *everyone* in the family can adjust a little during a crisis.
Similarly with your work. Yes, you do still need to work and produce. But this is the time period when you might take a sick day (because your parents/inlaws are sick!!!) to recoup a little. Most workplaces have some level of flexibility (or coworkers might be willing to help out in your time of need) for major life crises.
I can see that you *do* have to support your husband and your parents. I guess I just wish that you could accept "just barely good enough" or "temporarily almost good enough" in some of the other areas of your life.
Use paper plates (I did for 9 months, it really did help!). Your son would be thrilled to have Mac & Cheese for dinner. Vacuum half as often as you usually do. When someone says "Oh my goodness, Dinah, you have so much going on - how can I help?" think of someway they can help!!! (Maybe they could pick a couple of things up for you at the grocery store? Or maybe your son could go to their house to play for a couple of hours - so he would have a less stressful environment and you won't have the noise and mess for a couple of hours (I'm sure he wouldn't mind going to play somewhere!). Maybe a friend/neighbor who loves to garden would be willing to rake leaves for you for an hour. You aren't going to ask them to clean your bathrooms, but there are some things you might find that they wouldn't mind doing that could take some of the pressure off of you.
And see your therapist when you need to (not when you think you *should* need to). You really DO have a lot going on right now. Cut yourself a little slack.
Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2004, at 9:41:38
In reply to Re: How much better do you have to be??? » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on October 20, 2004, at 7:00:36
I'm doing my best. And I'm actually not bad at reducing expectations for myself. Ask my husband. ;P
But my expectations for myself at the best of times aren't all that high, because I long ago figured out my limitations. That doesn't leave a lot of wriggle room.
I actually did try to shift some of my work load. But my efforts were met with incomprehension. A "well, you can do it later this month" that had me wanting to cry. But the truth is that short term, there's nothing I can do to shift the work load. I've done my work for so long that I've got it all down to a system. And explaining to others how to do it would take a heck of a lot longer than doing it myself.
I ought to try to fix that problem someday. They'll be left in a jam if something happens to me.
And sad to say, neither my husband nor I have much of a support system. Our real friends have moved on, in one way or another, and we're mainly left with aquaintances. Probably something I should also work on. I've never been good at making connections, and part of the reason that I was attracted to my husband is that I perceived that he *was* good at it.
Imagine the astonishment of both of us that what friends we do have remaining are mainly mine, and I'm more likely to make deeper connections with new friends than he is. Not all that deep, but deeper. I'm still reeling. How can someone who really *likes* being with other people be less good at making connections than someone who really *doesn't*. Especially since he gets along much better with others than I do and has a wide range of acquaintances.
Which is a tangent, I know. But explains our joint lack of a sturdy stool. One reason I feel like I need to let him lean on me more than I lean on him is that I have other legs on my stool - even if they're not always available.
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