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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua on September 23, 2004, at 9:32:37
I'm taking a poll here. Of the csa people, who has memories of what happened? who has flashbacks? Are there differences?
I've been mostly confined to memories, I think, and I disassociated a lot when it was going on so I am still pretty detached (yes, I'm working on it). Lately, though, I've been hearing voices and physically feeling someone touching my leg. My EMDR T says this may be the beginning of a flashback.
I don't think I've ever had a flashback. Does it make your csa seem more believable? (I still struggle w/denial)
Any input would be greatly appreciated,
antigua
Posted by Aphrodite on September 23, 2004, at 9:55:22
In reply to Memories or flashbacks? CSA, posted by antigua on September 23, 2004, at 9:32:37
My flashbacks feel very real, like it's happening all over again. It usually occurs in the middle of the night when I am awakened by a nightmare. Then I will relive the memory while awake, and that is truly a realistic flashback instead of the surreal dream that triggers it. Sometimes (OK -- a lot of times), I have flashbacks in the middle of sex. Those are truly horrible.
I'm so sorry you're suffering with this.
Posted by daisym on September 23, 2004, at 13:10:11
In reply to Re: Memories or flashbacks? CSA » antigua, posted by Aphrodite on September 23, 2004, at 9:55:22
I have mostly memories but they are loaded with "real" feelings. I've had a couple of flash backs, one really big one during sex, where I completely "saw" someone else, not my husband. But it did solidify some things for me. At that time I was struggling to believe that the csa hadn't gone "that far." My clearest memories up to that point had been very specific, at one age (12) and "only"...ok I've typed and erased three times, I don't want, can't even put down the "only" part. As other memories intruded, or I had dreams about other stuff, and in a much more violent environment, I didn't want to believe I had suppressed things. I kept telling myself that sometimes dreams are your worst fears, not reality. Then the flash back happened and the damn broke and the memories began to come back full-force.
I can't believe you posted this today because I had my first flashback without sex last night. I worked pretty late at the office and when I got home, I was in my room taking off my jewelry. I was pretty lost in thought. My 17 year old walked up behind me, hugged me (he's taller than me) and snuggled my neck. He said, "Don't I smell good?" I freaked out, jumped a mile, yelled at him not to do that to me and then ran and threw up. The fear was unbelievable. He felt really bad but it wasn't him or even the hug. (I told him I ate something at lunch that had been disagreeing with me and startling me just brought it up.) His girlfriend had given him cologne for his birthday and, it took me back completely. My dad use to shower at night and wore a similar (if not exactly the same) cologne. The power of the smell surprised me. Now I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with that smell being around.
I think you should pay attention to what you are starting to feel very carefully. You need a safe place to be if you do get a flashback because it is so very hard to control your physical response. Take it seriously but don't try to push it out unless you are with your therapist. It might help you believe yourself more, and it might answer questions too. If you can, writing down as many details of what comes up makes it easier to go back to later, because things quickly get lost in the emotional cloud.
I wish this wasn't happening to you. But I know you have good support. Hugs from me.
Daisy
Posted by vwoolf on September 23, 2004, at 14:09:32
In reply to Memories or flashbacks? CSA, posted by antigua on September 23, 2004, at 9:32:37
I think mine are memories, not flashbacks. But not ordinary memories. I described them once before as feeling like those plastic bubbles with Father Christmas that you shake and it starts snowing. You know? As if they have a separate life of their own, a little reality world that is detached from normality. Flahbacks - I don't think so, apart from the feeling of heart stopping freezing in particular sexual situations.
Posted by antigua on September 23, 2004, at 16:50:16
In reply to Re: Memories or flashbacks? CSA (trigger potential, posted by daisym on September 23, 2004, at 13:10:11
Thanks for the trigger warning. I have another question for you. You wrote, "it is so very hard to control your physical response." Can you tell me what you mean by that? What kind of physical response? if you don't want to say, that's fine, but this is one of my fears, a segment of the out of control part that terrifies me. In this case, I'm afraid memories can hurt you--
antigua
Posted by daisym on September 23, 2004, at 18:30:00
In reply to Re: Memories or flashbacks? CSA (trigger potential » daisym, posted by antigua on September 23, 2004, at 16:50:16
Memories DO hurt...the intensity of the emotion sits in my chest like a weight and I can't breathe...
I discussed last night with my therapist and we walked through the physical response. I"ll share as much as I can...the most obvious response is the tears. I think these are from the fear. I am really good at controlling my tears but in a flashback, I have just "gasped" and then burst into tears. My other physical response is a stomach ache, and I have thrown up, but usually in the aftermath. I've experienced vaginal pain too, during the flashback during sex the whole thing turned ugly, including becoming painful.
The most powerful physical response is actually no response. For me, it feels like being frozen in the moment, listening really hard or holding my breath a really long time. So having one of these while driving would be bad. I've had a storm of memories while driving and cried hard enough to have to pull off the road. But I've never been in a flashback while driving.
I hope I haven't scared you. In thinking about the couple of times this has happened, there are a number of factors that make it more likely -- I'm really, really tired, I've worked on a memory or feeling in therapy that day and something surprised (scares) me. I think this is why my therapist pushed for sleeping pills when I wasn't sleeping at all.
I also wanted to add that it is highly likely that you might be getting ready to remember something...I can feel it when memories are trying to push up now. I fight them back sometimes, because I'm afraid. Sometimes I just wake up knowing something else. But they didn't arrive in a flashback. It was calmer than that.
Is it worse today?
Posted by antigua on September 23, 2004, at 23:35:02
In reply to BIG TRIGGER POTENTIAL » antigua, posted by daisym on September 23, 2004, at 18:30:00
Thanks daisy, you are always such a great help. It's not worse today, but I have been awfully busy. Sunday is my youngest's birthday and he celebrates it at school tomorrow so I had to make the kids' (all three) favorite treat when they were young: dinosaur cut-out, decorated sugar cookies. They take forever and are a pain but for some reason or another it means a lot to the kids (I certainly hope they remember it as a fond memory!). The amusing part was when we finished the first batch, my youngest tried one and didn't like it! I told him it didn't matter, it was cooking, decorating and sharing that are the fun. He'll be fine. Actually this may be the last time I have to make them!
I will keep everything you have said in mind. I feel a little better, knowing somewhat what to expect. My T said the same thing yesterday that you posted: something is coming up and for me to try to be prepared for it. I don't know if I'm ready, but I trust my own mind to know when (as long as it doesn't take another zillion years).
best,
antigua
Posted by antigua on September 24, 2004, at 7:48:20
In reply to Re: Memories or flashbacks? CSA » antigua, posted by Aphrodite on September 23, 2004, at 9:55:22
I tried to post this last night but couldn't get through, so please know that I thank you so much for being willing to share something so difficult. I really appreciate it.
I don't have memories pop up during sex, but if the situation/circumstances aren't to my liking I can get very, very angry--full of rage really, or I simply disassociate and put my mind elsewhere until it is over.
thanks again,
antigua
Posted by antigua on September 24, 2004, at 7:51:35
In reply to Re: Memories or flashbacks? CSA, posted by vwoolf on September 23, 2004, at 14:09:32
Thank you for answering. I know it's such a sensitive issue but you've helped me to understand a little better. To me, it IS another world, that wasn't me, and of course it wasn't my good father, it was the evil one. I'm with you, they are memories but detached. The trick is for me to accept them as truth and quit trying to deny them. I'm not there yet.
take care,
antigua
Posted by daisym on September 24, 2004, at 10:17:03
In reply to Re: BIG TRIGGER POTENTIAL » daisym, posted by antigua on September 23, 2004, at 23:35:02
I've been meaning to ask, have you settled into your therapist's new office yet? Did the blinds help? I'm curious because the environment can stimulate so many things and you've had a couple of "new" things happen recently.
I know you are busy, let me know when you can. Happy! Happy! to your youngest. How old now?
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