Posted by daisym on September 23, 2004, at 13:10:11
In reply to Re: Memories or flashbacks? CSA » antigua, posted by Aphrodite on September 23, 2004, at 9:55:22
I have mostly memories but they are loaded with "real" feelings. I've had a couple of flash backs, one really big one during sex, where I completely "saw" someone else, not my husband. But it did solidify some things for me. At that time I was struggling to believe that the csa hadn't gone "that far." My clearest memories up to that point had been very specific, at one age (12) and "only"...ok I've typed and erased three times, I don't want, can't even put down the "only" part. As other memories intruded, or I had dreams about other stuff, and in a much more violent environment, I didn't want to believe I had suppressed things. I kept telling myself that sometimes dreams are your worst fears, not reality. Then the flash back happened and the damn broke and the memories began to come back full-force.
I can't believe you posted this today because I had my first flashback without sex last night. I worked pretty late at the office and when I got home, I was in my room taking off my jewelry. I was pretty lost in thought. My 17 year old walked up behind me, hugged me (he's taller than me) and snuggled my neck. He said, "Don't I smell good?" I freaked out, jumped a mile, yelled at him not to do that to me and then ran and threw up. The fear was unbelievable. He felt really bad but it wasn't him or even the hug. (I told him I ate something at lunch that had been disagreeing with me and startling me just brought it up.) His girlfriend had given him cologne for his birthday and, it took me back completely. My dad use to shower at night and wore a similar (if not exactly the same) cologne. The power of the smell surprised me. Now I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with that smell being around.
I think you should pay attention to what you are starting to feel very carefully. You need a safe place to be if you do get a flashback because it is so very hard to control your physical response. Take it seriously but don't try to push it out unless you are with your therapist. It might help you believe yourself more, and it might answer questions too. If you can, writing down as many details of what comes up makes it easier to go back to later, because things quickly get lost in the emotional cloud.
I wish this wasn't happening to you. But I know you have good support. Hugs from me.
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:394060
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040918/msgs/394130.html