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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on September 9, 2004, at 12:55:54
Lately I've been really worried about that. Especially with regards to my therapist. But also concerning some of my friends and this board. Anywhere where I share things that I wouldn't share with my husband. It feels like spending intimacy I should be reserving for my husband.
My parents were no role models for marriage or intimacy, and I grew up with my role models in so many things being TV. I remember seeing a married couple as one intimacy unit. Like when Millie Halpern (I think??) told Laura a secret and asked her not to tell another soul and when she told Rob to tell him not to tell another soul.
Mind you, my husband doesn't really want to hear this stuff, and I don't really want to hear his reaction to some of this stuff. But still....
It especially bothers me about therapy I think. Because my therapist happens to be male? Which doesn't make sense, because I don't *think* of him as male - certainly not as a sexual male.
And my husband has absolutely no objection. He sees my therapist as the last bastion between him and the less pleasant aspects of myself. He's offered to do his best to always make sure paying for my therapy is a priority.
But still....
Posted by Racer on September 9, 2004, at 15:43:17
In reply to Emotional infidelity, posted by Dinah on September 9, 2004, at 12:55:54
I'm hardly the poster child for *any* sort of fidelity, so I wonder about this sort of thing, too. The best I've come up with so far is that the marriage bond is not supposed to be absolute. There will always be the need for "Other" within any marriage. Think about how you would feel if you were the only one your husband ever shared with? I don't mean just the normal things, but if he came to you every time his favorite sports team traded a player he liked? Or if he brought all his worries about whether he was good enough in bed to you? Even his concerns about whether his aging body was still attractive? That's why people need outside interests in order to stay together -- why couples who work together burn out faster than those who don't.
You could look at it as analogous to going to the doctor instead of to your husband when you have, say, an ingrown toenail. You wouldn't hesitate to make that appointment, right? You wouldn't ask your husband to perform minor surgery, would you? (All right, I admit it -- my ex-bf did perform similar sorts of minor surgery on me, but I was uninsured and broke.) By the same token, you also wouldn't discuss your sex life with him the same way you might with a girlfriend, because it's not within his core competancies. (Sorry, one of my 'issues' right now.)
I worry at times that I'm withholding too much from my husband, that it's a sign of emotional infidelity, or a sign that I'm simply withdrawing from him entirely. Maybe it is, I can't tell. When I think about it, though, I'm most aware of trying to shield him from the distress, since he really can't do much of anything about it; and of knowing that he can't provide what I need for relief (back to core competency again). My therapist is there for some of the relief, our marriage counselor is there for other parts, the medications (in theory) help with still others. I try to limit what I take to my husband to those things he really *can* help with, and those things that he might enjoy sharing. Maybe that is emotional infidelity, but I think of it as more of a respect thing.
(This actually goes into my whole "negative trust" thing: most everyone in my life is trusted only within pretty well defined boundaries. Beyond those boundaries, I try not to expect anything. My therapist saw that as negative, but I see it as more positive: it's a sign of respect, not to expect what someone can't provide. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but it *feels* right to me, so I'm sticking to it until someone offers a better model.)
And your husband has already told you that he doesn't see it as harming him, which really is the bottom line, isn't it?
Posted by alexandra_k on September 9, 2004, at 17:43:29
In reply to Re: Emotional infidelity, posted by Racer on September 9, 2004, at 15:43:17
Wow, what a good post racer :-)
I agree that just because you are married doesn't mean that your marriage partner is the person who you have to share all your concerns / issues with. A marriage wouldn't survive very long if all you had was each other - it goes much better when you have your own interests and your own friends, as well as interests and friends who are mutual of course. Sometimes concerns that you have might play on your husbands insecurities and so I think that in that case it would be more appropriate and would actually help strengthen your marriage to seek outside sources to voice those concerns.
I am reminded of Alanis Morrisette 'I believe that one and one make two' in the sense that you don't become blended or fused with anyone else and you retain your own independence and identity and that is what helps a relationship thrive and be mutually satisfying.
Of course I am full of words of wisdom, not having had a relationship for quite some time... and having a tendancy to swing between merger and fierce independence...
I would like to be in therapy forever, I think. I also have a preference to see a male therapist, and sexual transference is just about inevitable in my case :-) But if I was in a serious relationship, would I think of it as infidelity? No. Because nothing would happen, and the point would be to strengthen myself and ultimately my relationship. And to work thorough all of that transference stuff as well...
Posted by daisym on September 9, 2004, at 18:17:55
In reply to Emotional infidelity, posted by Dinah on September 9, 2004, at 12:55:54
This topic came up for me this week because I was angry with my husband and yet hesitating to talk about him in therapy. It feels so unfair sometimes, when he isn't there to defend himself. My therapist always says, "screw that -- this is YOUR therapy!" :)
But we also talked in therapy about the bond we are building and how much stronger it is for the younger parts of me. They trust our therapist to keep them safe and to be completely supportive. The adult is much more stand-offish. She thinks she needs to manage on her own and this need to connect or check-in feels just wrong. He asked me if I felt it was a betrayal, in some way, of my husband. I really don't think so. It is more about how I think of myself.
And as far as Babble goes...my hubby doesn't want to hear any of this. I can't imagine telling him, "and then he said...and then I said..." He is thrilled that I found a group to "converse" with. He just wants dinner when he gets home and a back rub later on.
Posted by Dinah on September 9, 2004, at 19:10:51
In reply to Re: Emotional infidelity, posted by Racer on September 9, 2004, at 15:43:17
I think I like the respect model. I do so appreciate all the many things my husband is great at, and all the ways he is a terrific person. It might not be fair to expect him to be all things to me. It might be more respectful to meet some needs elsewhere.
Thanks Racer. If I can hold on to the concept, I think it'll help a lot.
Posted by Skittles on September 10, 2004, at 1:34:17
In reply to Re: Emotional infidelity, posted by alexandra_k on September 9, 2004, at 17:43:29
Totally off subject, but are you a fan? I'm a complete nut. Love, love, love her. Her music gives me words for what I'm feeling when I can't come up with them myself.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 10, 2004, at 18:58:53
In reply to Re: Alanis » alexandra_k, posted by Skittles on September 10, 2004, at 1:34:17
> Totally off subject, but are you a fan? I'm a complete nut. Love, love, love her. Her music gives me words for what I'm feeling when I can't come up with them myself.
Yeah, I am a complete nut too :-)
Sometimes her work sounds a little musically challenged, but her words speak to me.'burn the books, they've got too many names and psychoses...'.
Posted by Susan47 on September 11, 2004, at 17:04:44
In reply to Re: Alanis » alexandra_k, posted by Skittles on September 10, 2004, at 1:34:17
a soul-stirring combination for me. :):(
Posted by Susan47 on September 11, 2004, at 17:05:42
In reply to Alexandra, yes music and words together are, posted by Susan47 on September 11, 2004, at 17:04:44
This is the end of the thread.
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