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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Klokka on September 2, 2004, at 21:43:02
How time flies when your life seems to be coming apart at the seams! I'm seeing my psychiatrist for the first time after a five-week break this Tuesday, and I know that I have many things to tell him, but I really don't know how I'm going to go about it all.
Some very big things have happened this month. Shortly after my psychiatrist left, I stumbled across something he wrote about me (or my psychological clone) online. I'm determined to get that out as quickly as possible lest I get scared and decide not to, but I'm still more than a little nervous about it. I'm afraid I'll sound like a crazed stalker and he'll refuse to see me anymore. I'm afraid he'll yell at me. I'm afraid it'll have been about someone else, which would be a relief, except that along with that is the fear that he'll wonder how I could ever be so self-centered that I assume that other people ever think of me when I'm not right there in front of them. None of these are really reasonable - with the possible exception of the first - but all the reason in the world isn't going to make telling him what I found (worse, how I found it) any easier. If he won't put up with me anymore, I have nowhere else to go. That's a very scary thought right now.
A week later, my mom had my cat put to sleep for no good reason and the experience was very painful. I wanted so badly to believe that she didn't do what she did the way she did (I've posted about it in Grief and Social, don't feel much like repeating the details... but to make a long story short, she quite deliberately did several things which made the experience even worse than it would've been otherwise) out of malice or to punish me, but I haven't found a single alternative explanation. The intial agony subsided rapidly, and I've been able to act as though not a thing in the world is wrong. My parents believe this; either it's a very good act, or they're just blind. I know the pain is still there, but I don't really feel it right now. The last time I did was a couple of days ago when I had a dream where it turned out that my parents had only taken him away for a little while as a punishment, and he was alive and well... I woke up in the middle of the night to find it wasn't true, he wasn't curled up at the foot of my bed as I expected, and cried for hours. I got up that morning and was "back to normal." I don't know if the way I've stopped hurting all the time over this is normal, or a good sign, or what. I don't know if I want to know if it isn't, because then I'll have to face it and I just can't right now. I have to hold it all together because nobody else can, or will.
All the same, this house hasn't been home to me since, not even when I shut the door and play music loudly enough so that I don't have to acknowledge that there is anyone else around. I feel so empty, always, but especially when I'm here. I think constantly of moving out... I should be able to when I turn eighteen next year. My older sister has offered me a place to stay, which seems like my best option right now. Every noise my parents make puts me on edge, every word they speak sounds like a threat. I can't live like this. Schoolwork is a fine distraction, but it can only do so much when it leads to being yelled at (...don't ask, I don't understand it either) and is hard to focus on, anyway.
My psychiatrist will know about the situation with my cat, at least in general, which helps. (I saw the psychologist replacing him when it happened and for follow-up a week later, and asked her to give him the gist of the matter.) However, because I have something else to tell him, I'm afraid that him knowing what else has happened will complicate things, because of course he doesn't know what I found and will want to talk about what he does know happened! I am so close to not telling him as it is that I'm afraid this will be the decisive factor.
Apart from this... I've started at a new school, which really isn't a big deal (it's like my old high school, only not as small) except that it means I can only see my psychiatrist for sure every other week. The "other" weeks, he will be on call and I will only be able to see him if things are slow at the hospital. Also, I'm turning seventeen soon. Both of these remind me that in probably less than a year I will have to stop seeing him. It may even be as soon as January, if my second semester schedule is poorly arranged. I find this prospect unspeakably terrifying, and I'm not even sure why. I fear he'll refuse any contact with me after the fact, and I know from experience with the high school teachers I left this year that even the occasional e-mail makes things so much more bearable, because then it doesn't seem so much like the person died. I may have to end therapy very suddenly, because I can't afford it and it's very hard to find a psychiatrist (which, usually I think, is funded by the health care system here) who understands English well, let alone one who is willing to do therapy. I can't even imagine stuffing everything in and keeping it there for years at the moment. I wish I'd started seeing him when my old psychiatrist left and I first had the chance, because maybe then I'd be ready. No, wait, I wish I'd never gotten myself involved in this at all. I don't know that this is the sort of thing I'm likely to get over.
Oddly enough, I'm not even sure I want to show up for my appointment. I'll force myself because I know that I should, but to some extent I really do not want to talk to him ever again. I feel to some extent like I've managed to distance myself from all the hurt and the reasons behind me, and I don't want to lose that. I want to be able to delude myself into thinking that the only problem with me is that I'm always caught up in my "shell" (whatever that means... it's what my mother always says about me) and maybe I just lack a bit of character. I want to believe that I can just will myself into feeling better. I don't want to deal with the pain anymore, even if it's what's best in the long run. I know that avoiding it isn't going to do anything, but I still want to. And with the changing of seasons I think I'm depressed again, so I just don't want to do anything anymore... only there's so much to do and I'm not in a position where I can take a break and rest even if I absolutely need to. If I end up in a crisis, there is nothing I can do to make things easier until I feel better again which won't end up making things worse. I'm terrified.
Overall, I just don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Somehow I don't think that distracting myself with schoolwork up to the time when he opens the door to the waiting room is the best of ideas, but I don't know how to prepare. Any thoughts?
Posted by gardenergirl on September 3, 2004, at 0:24:50
In reply to First Session After Break Approaching..., posted by Klokka on September 2, 2004, at 21:43:02
You know what? Five weeks is a long time away from someone so important. And you have had a lot going on then. Didn't you also leave him with a letter or was that someone else? It sounds as if you don't know what to start with, and maybe you are afraid that the connection will be lost when you see him again.
And perhaps you are fearing being punished for finding that internet writing because it seems like punishment is something you experience a lot. Of course you would half expect it/worry about it.
I felt a bit confused and awkward at the beginning of my first session since my T's vacation. I felt like too much had happened, and I didn't know where to start. But I just took a breath and started with whatever came out first. My T is a big believer that what needs to come will, eventually. And if we miss a chance this time, it will come up again someday, so not to worry.
Perhaps you can start by talking about your fears with him being gone and with your scedule briefly... or touch base on how it was seeing the person covering for him.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
gg
Posted by daisym on September 3, 2004, at 0:50:57
In reply to Re: First Session After Break Approaching... » Klokka, posted by gardenergirl on September 3, 2004, at 0:24:50
I was pretty tentative my first session back after the break and it was only for 12 days! I think you have to give yourself permission to go slow and all room for the emotions you most likely have been storing to flood and take up the session. You've been really anxious about what you found so I think if you can get that out it will be a relief. Otherwise you have the elephant in the room with you.
I know the next 5 days will be long. Hang in there. Keep posting and keep busy.
And, I'm betting that he won't get mad at you for what you found. You will need to discuss it but it was available on the net...so it was fair game. You had a good relationship before he left. You just have to pick up the threads again.
Good luck!
Posted by Klokka on September 4, 2004, at 15:19:30
In reply to Re: First Session After Break Approaching... » Klokka, posted by gardenergirl on September 3, 2004, at 0:24:50
Hi gg, thanks for posting. Yes, I did leave him with a letter. I'd almost forgotten about that! I definitely don't think we'll be getting around to that this week, to say the least... though it's funny to see how one of the major issues I brought up there is coming up again as I'm seeing that people really like me better when I'm not open at all about what's going on.
I guess it makes sense that I would expect punishment after telling him. Going back to my parents, that is something like the way they reacted when my problems first came out almost four years ago now. It just seems odd that I would expect him to do something they would, because he rarely acts in a way which reminds me of them.
It's hard to think that important things will come up eventually, since even when we met weekly it didn't seem like there was enough time to bring the important things up. Now that we likely won't be meeting as frequently and will soon have to stop entirely, it feels like there is a noose tightening around my throat. I wish I'd never started talking about things, because how on earth am I supposed to stop?
That might be an idea for starting the session. It shouldn't drag on as long as the other major thing which happened, and then it'll still be soon enough to jump in with "Something else happened which I probably should tell you about..."
I definitely will post about it, though it might take a while. My schedule has been hectic lately and I'm also finding it really difficult to post anywhere at all.
Posted by Klokka on September 4, 2004, at 15:29:31
In reply to Re: First Session After Break Approaching..., posted by daisym on September 3, 2004, at 0:50:57
Hopefully that should provide enough motivation to tell him. I've known about it for so long that it doesn't seem to be a big deal to me anymore, but perhaps seeing him after the fact will change that. (It is still a big deal, really, but only because of my fear for how he'll react.) I think it's going to be awkward, though, because likely we'll go over some pretty painful stuff, but I'll be going to the appointment after eight straight hours of class, so probably won't feel very much of it until after I leave. Then again, things might change.
Thanks for posting. I'll probably update after the fact, though as I said above, it might take a while. I've found it really hard to post here lately for some reason.
Posted by Klokka on September 8, 2004, at 19:34:43
In reply to First Session After Break Approaching..., posted by Klokka on September 2, 2004, at 21:43:02
The appointment was yesterday, and, as usual, wasn't nearly as bad as I had expected. Silly me. :)
It was really awkward at first, though. I was nervous both because of a hectic day at school and because of the appointment. I didn't realize how much so until my pdoc showed up and I had to put my book away and noticed my hands were shaking. (Oddly enough, I had just come to a part in said book where the main character was waiting to see a psychiatrist.) I didn't know what to say for a while. He asked me how I was doing, and I had no idea. It was strange, because I knew it should all seem so familiar, but it didn't.
Eventually we started talking about what had happened with my cat. I'm so glad he found out the basics earlier, because it was really hard to talk about and I'm not sure I would've been able to if left to my own devices. Though I wasn't sure how to respond when he said something along the lines of "At least now we have a concrete example of what goes on in your family." It was quite true, but I would gladly do without that if it costs so much! After I'd gone over the more direct effects, we talked about what I saw as the possible motives behind what my mom did and the possibility of moving out next year. (Much to my surprise, he's actually in support of me moving in with my older sister and says he would have suggested it earlier had he known the option was there.) I actually teared up a bit, which is very unusual for me, but probably shouldn't be given what I was talking about. I wonder if that has anything to do with the possibility the psychologist replacing him brought up that I found it easier to be open in an emotional sense with a stranger (or someone who seemed like one) because there was less to lose that way. I'm not entirely sure I agree, but might bring it up next time all the same.
Close to the end of the session, I decided I had better go ahead and tell him about what I found. It was so hard, though. It took two or three short periods of silence before I forced myself to say something along the lines of "Well, something else happened this past month and I probably should tell you about it." So I did, in a truly impressive fit of rambling, and after all the fear I've had over it this past month, he didn't seem fazed at all. Looking back on how he's acted in the past, I can't imagine why that was such a surprise to me, but I really did expect him to freak out over it for some reason. He verified that it was, in fact, about me and explained why it was there and how it came to be publicly available - he had apparently found out after the fact. After talking about that for a while, the session was over. It really didn't seem to be that long! Normally sessions seem to drag on a bit more than that.
Overall I felt very relieved after the session. As well as the things I needed to talk about, it was just good to have the break over with. Apparently he also read the bit of writing I left there before the break (because I knew I had to deal with it but couldn't that particular session and might need to be forced later) and I was so ashamed of what I wrote there that I wasn't sure I wanted to address it at all, no matter that benefit. That, too, wasn't nearly as big a deal as I feared; he didn't seem disgusted with me and didn't imply I was making a big deal out of nothing. There wasn't really time to go into detail about what I'd written, but I imagine it'll come up eventually. One last cause for relief: I had thought that every other Friday (the only day I can see him this semester) would be uncertain because he would be on call, but apparently that isn't happening very often, at least not until early next year.
Thanks for the support... here's to hoping I won't have occasion to ramble like this anytime soon! Though I might just find an excuse all the same. :)
Posted by Dinah on September 8, 2004, at 19:43:23
In reply to Update, posted by Klokka on September 8, 2004, at 19:34:43
I'm glad it went better than you expected. Things often do, don't they?
Sounds like your therapist is a lot like mine. Not unflappable maybe, but hard to flap.
Posted by Klokka on September 8, 2004, at 21:24:34
In reply to Re: Update » Klokka, posted by Dinah on September 8, 2004, at 19:43:23
Yeah, things usually do turn out better than expected. Though apparently my pdoc doesn't think so, as he commented after I'd said that school wasn't as bad as I'd expected that it was the first time he'd heard me say something like that. I'm so wildly pessimistic at times that I have a hard time believing I've really never talked about reality not being as bad as my expectations, but I guess it's possible.
My pdoc is pretty hard to flap... except, perhaps, when it comes to the after-effects of dental surgery. I can show up horribly depressed and anxious, question his every statement with little or no grounds, refuse to take medication (to be fair, this was mostly due to circumstances at the time), and just generally be my usual annoying self; and the only time I've seen him be anything but calm was when I had an appointment the week after I had my wisdom teeth removed. There was some residual swelling, but it was so slight I would've thought he was going crazy for noticing it at all if it hadn't been pointed out to me at youth group the previous night. How odd!
This is the end of the thread.
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