Posted by Klokka on September 8, 2004, at 19:34:43
In reply to First Session After Break Approaching..., posted by Klokka on September 2, 2004, at 21:43:02
The appointment was yesterday, and, as usual, wasn't nearly as bad as I had expected. Silly me. :)
It was really awkward at first, though. I was nervous both because of a hectic day at school and because of the appointment. I didn't realize how much so until my pdoc showed up and I had to put my book away and noticed my hands were shaking. (Oddly enough, I had just come to a part in said book where the main character was waiting to see a psychiatrist.) I didn't know what to say for a while. He asked me how I was doing, and I had no idea. It was strange, because I knew it should all seem so familiar, but it didn't.
Eventually we started talking about what had happened with my cat. I'm so glad he found out the basics earlier, because it was really hard to talk about and I'm not sure I would've been able to if left to my own devices. Though I wasn't sure how to respond when he said something along the lines of "At least now we have a concrete example of what goes on in your family." It was quite true, but I would gladly do without that if it costs so much! After I'd gone over the more direct effects, we talked about what I saw as the possible motives behind what my mom did and the possibility of moving out next year. (Much to my surprise, he's actually in support of me moving in with my older sister and says he would have suggested it earlier had he known the option was there.) I actually teared up a bit, which is very unusual for me, but probably shouldn't be given what I was talking about. I wonder if that has anything to do with the possibility the psychologist replacing him brought up that I found it easier to be open in an emotional sense with a stranger (or someone who seemed like one) because there was less to lose that way. I'm not entirely sure I agree, but might bring it up next time all the same.
Close to the end of the session, I decided I had better go ahead and tell him about what I found. It was so hard, though. It took two or three short periods of silence before I forced myself to say something along the lines of "Well, something else happened this past month and I probably should tell you about it." So I did, in a truly impressive fit of rambling, and after all the fear I've had over it this past month, he didn't seem fazed at all. Looking back on how he's acted in the past, I can't imagine why that was such a surprise to me, but I really did expect him to freak out over it for some reason. He verified that it was, in fact, about me and explained why it was there and how it came to be publicly available - he had apparently found out after the fact. After talking about that for a while, the session was over. It really didn't seem to be that long! Normally sessions seem to drag on a bit more than that.
Overall I felt very relieved after the session. As well as the things I needed to talk about, it was just good to have the break over with. Apparently he also read the bit of writing I left there before the break (because I knew I had to deal with it but couldn't that particular session and might need to be forced later) and I was so ashamed of what I wrote there that I wasn't sure I wanted to address it at all, no matter that benefit. That, too, wasn't nearly as big a deal as I feared; he didn't seem disgusted with me and didn't imply I was making a big deal out of nothing. There wasn't really time to go into detail about what I'd written, but I imagine it'll come up eventually. One last cause for relief: I had thought that every other Friday (the only day I can see him this semester) would be uncertain because he would be on call, but apparently that isn't happening very often, at least not until early next year.
Thanks for the support... here's to hoping I won't have occasion to ramble like this anytime soon! Though I might just find an excuse all the same. :)
poster:Klokka
thread:385827
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040905/msgs/388319.html