![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua on August 28, 2004, at 11:06:42
I don't know if I've already mentioned this or not, but my T moved her office over the summer (after 13 yrs of my therapy). We had a three-week break this summer and I went to her new office for the first time three weeks ago. So we have had three sessions in her new office.
I've discovered that I really am uncomfortable in this new setting and I'm very surprised by it. The first time was fine, but the last two were difficult.
The problem(s)? Well, first, I have to go through her house to get to her office. I've never been in the private part of her house before (her old office was separated off) and as much as I would have liked to know more about her, I really don't like seeing her personal life. That said, her house is exactly as I would have pictured it; it's very beautiful and tasteful. Why don't I like this? What's wrong here? I've known her for a long time and our personal lives have overlapped at times over the years so this isn't so unusual.
Second thing: Her new office is too small and our chairs are too far apart. I feel claustrophic and separated at the same time. This, I know, I can talk to her about. But the door is also close and all I want to do is flee.
Since this has kicked in, I had one clear thought float through my head the day before my last appointment: I don't need her anymore. Now, that's a warning sign if I've ever heard one.
Why do I want to run away from her? There isn't anything new going on in therapy; we have been working on difficult things for years and we do joke about me not wanting to come, but this is different.
Any ideas before I talk to her next week about this?
thanks,
antigua
Posted by Dinah on August 28, 2004, at 13:13:08
In reply to My T Dilemma, posted by antigua on August 28, 2004, at 11:06:42
I went through the change of office space. In my case from a very comfortable room in an old old building to a shiny office in a shiny new office building. I don't think I've felt quite the same about therapy since. Part of the whole effect was the *space*. I think moving has helped me come to the point where maybe I do need him less.
You've got the additional, and very real, problem of having to go through her home to get to the office. I know it's not particularly unusual - especially not in the old days - to have an office in the home and without a separate entrance. But I would definitely think it would introduce new therapeutic concerns that should be addressed.
Fortunately, my therapist understood how important the old space was to me and we're able to talk about it thoroughly. Have you mentioned the thoughts you've been thinking? Or how uncomfortable you feel having access to a part of her private life?
They're legitimate concerns, and she should be prepared to discuss them.
Posted by tabitha on August 28, 2004, at 14:02:18
In reply to My T Dilemma, posted by antigua on August 28, 2004, at 11:06:42
I had an idea about walking through her house. She ought to set up a special pathway, like hang fabric to make a narrow passage to the office. It could be torchlit and with flower petals on the floor. Dark & cozy, so walking down it would be like a birth/death experience. Seriously, therapists ought to consider their space a bit more carefully, like fortune-tellers do. Create a mood.
Walking through her house sounds vaguely depressing, like going to piano lessons or something.
I guess my main criteria for therapy space is privacy. I don't want to be able to hear outside sounds. I don't want a big public waiting room where I have to see other people. Once mine had a temporary office at street level with blinds that didn't entirely close. I felt so exposed sitting in there.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 28, 2004, at 14:44:26
In reply to Re: My T Dilemma, posted by tabitha on August 28, 2004, at 14:02:18
Space is utterly important to me. I remember when I posted about previous therapists here, months ago, I spoke mostly about the setting and ambiencec of the space.
My EMDR therapist feng-shui'd her office. Still an intimate setting, but it feels more spacious at the same time.
I would definitely bring it up. Perhaps ask if anyone has commented on her new office location? Having a definite, professional, this-way-to-the-office path through the house would not only keep her personal belongings from shouting at you, but it could be very soothing, as Tabitha said. Subdued lighting and plain, calm walls without adornments? My regular T's office (which is across the hall from the EMDR one) looks like a happy, cluttered, disorganized space. very spontaneous, yet she always seems to have the right piece of paper to hand.
Posted by Aphrodite on August 28, 2004, at 15:44:02
In reply to My T Dilemma, posted by antigua on August 28, 2004, at 11:06:42
I can see where the move plus the personal space could be an unsettling issue. I hope you talk to her about it; she may really appreciate the feedback not only for you but for her other patients as well.
I can see the down sides, but it might also be a nice thing to walk through her home, knowing you are getting a "real" and whole person attending to your needs.
I am SO sensitive to my surroundings. I need my space to be protected, and I've had to talk to my T numerous times about this. One problem is a public waiting room; he's by himself, so I know they are his other clients. I hate that. There is the inevitable and awkward "hello" and "excuse me" exchanges that make me cringe. I don't want to see these other patients let alone talk to them. So, my T has staggered my times so that there is a 15 minute space ensuring I come into his office without passing anyone else. Maybe your T can do something to accomodate your needs.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 28, 2004, at 16:23:58
In reply to My T Dilemma, posted by antigua on August 28, 2004, at 11:06:42
Wow, that sounds difficult. I don't have any experience with changing offices, but from what I have read from others, it does sound like fair game to talk about. I don't think I would like to see my T's home. I really prefer not to know much about him, although perhaps that's a way of defending myself against getting too too close?
I do recall the first meeting with him. He has a pretty good sized office. I felt like he was too far away, but the other choice was the chair right next to him, which felt too close, was not facing him, which I prefer, and was right next to the door, which felt too vulnerable. I guess I like to see the door...as if someone would ever come in... :)
Funny, though. His couch has no throw pillows or throws. For the first time, last week I sat with my legs tucked under me. I was wearing shorts and it just seemed silly to me to sit all prim and proper dressed so casually. I kicked off my sandals and put my legs up and commented that I wish he had pillows. HE DOES! He just keeps them hidden. Well how was I supposed to know? I'd have brought my own before I ever asked him for one! Sheesh, a whole wasted year when I could have been more comfortable. AND, he never offered me one. I still will have to ask! I doubt I will. I have definite issues about other people's space and things versus mine. Don't mess with his stuff, not even the coasters. Sometimes I even bring a hankie as I feel like I go through Kleenex so much. Weird, eh?
Take care and good luck in discussing this with your T. I hope she is receptive.
gg
Posted by DaisyM on August 28, 2004, at 17:48:35
In reply to Re: My T Dilemma » antigua, posted by gardenergirl on August 28, 2004, at 16:23:58
My Therapist has two offices...one I am in more than others and it is my favorite...it is sort of long and narrow, a little more than couch/end tables wide, but it lends itself to a desk at one end and the couch and his chair at the other. He keeps it pretty uncluttered but there is a throw on the couch and lots of pillows. It is quiet, upstairs and at the end of the hall. And surrounded by windows that look into the trees.
BUT, his other space is in an old office building, with a more public waiting room and the walls are thinner...you don't feel as alone and secluded. Not that you can really hear anything. But when we are working on the hard stuff, I often wait for the right space, "my" space. I've shared this with him, and he is fine talking about what makes me comfortable or not.
I think you need to bring it up. After 13 years, it probably feels very jarring, something isn't right, and your sense of stability is shaken. Maybe together you could figure out how to make the room feel better. Is there something that was in the old office that could be placed in view in this new office to help? And don't forget to consider how it smells. This is a powerful sense and can cause very intense emotional reactions.
As far as not needing her, you are making pretty steady progress the past few months. This doesn't seem the right time to stop. I'll be interested to hear what she says and what you guys do.
Posted by DaisyM on August 28, 2004, at 17:54:04
In reply to Re: My T Dilemma » antigua, posted by gardenergirl on August 28, 2004, at 16:23:58
I snickered at your post about the pillows. I recently complained that there were TOO MANY pillows on his new couch, and the next time I came he had piled them all in the chair! At least I know he listens to me, right?
I've been trying to not hang onto the pillows as much, to try to keep myself more open. But it doesn't take much to have me reaching for those pillows and setting them between me and him...he comments now about it, he didn't use to.
As far as tucking legs up and under, it totally depends on "who" is in the room. If the executive is there, she sits with her legs crossed properly. He comments on that now too....
Hmmm....I need new body language. I'm no longer mysterious!
Posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2004, at 18:55:24
In reply to My T Dilemma, posted by antigua on August 28, 2004, at 11:06:42
My T used to have a framed picture of her husband in full view. The problem??? He was one of my High School teachers. I have never mentioned this to her, but it did feel a bit strange talking to her about all my personal stuff with a picture of my old school teacher right there on the bookcase.
She moved it about a month or so ago. I think it actually occurred to her that as I went to that school I might actually know him. It is much better now, but for some reason I still don't like hearing about her personal life, and especially her husband.
Posted by antigua on August 29, 2004, at 13:11:34
In reply to Re: My T Dilemma, posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2004, at 18:55:24
Thanks everyone; you brought up some good ideas for me to take with me on Wednesday. ON my first visit to her new office (her first patient to be there)we talked a lot about the room and how it should be set up, etc. At the time, the only real thing that bothered me was the door. I am facing it now and it just makes me want to escape. I told her I liked the new place (and I did the first time) but when it came to getting back down to work, I find it very distracting. I will talk to her about it--part of me doesn't want to waste the time going over it, but I know it must be important.
Since we're on the subject, you know what I really don't like? Those couches that you either have to lay completely back or sit right on the edge. The couches are curved, I guess. I hate them. My old T and my EMDR therapist have them and I hate them. I'm not comfortable leaning back and I get tired of sitting on the edge (hmm, now there's a thought; I always feel like I'm on the edge!).
Thanks everyone,
antigua
Posted by cubic_me on August 29, 2004, at 18:05:55
In reply to Re: My T Dilemma, posted by antigua on August 29, 2004, at 13:11:34
I was my T's first client in her new office too - maybe we're special :)
Posted by antigua on September 1, 2004, at 12:56:56
In reply to Re: My T Dilemma » antigua, posted by cubic_me on August 29, 2004, at 18:05:55
I didn't even want to go to my regular T today (I had made two appts at the same time w/my two different Ts and I chose to cancel the EMDR and go to the tough one!)but I went right in there and told her that I was uncomfortable in her new office/home and that I just didn't feel safe there at all, and how I had had the thought that I didn't need her anymore. She kind of looked at me a little startled and then plunged right in.
She said she had meant to discuss the door w/me because I had mentioned that I wanted to flee on the very first visit. She pointed out that we can't see outside yet because her new blinds haven't arrived yet (she has material covering the windows) and how very bright it is in her new office. I told her I felt trapped. And where did that all take me? Back to the white, bright bathroom (with no windows) with closed (maybe locked) doors (two of them)with my naked father preparing his bath, which I was to take w/him. It wasn't a new memory but a more complete understanding of it was triggered.
Then we discussed me not feeling comfortable walking through her home downstairs to her office. I told her it made her feel vulnerable to me, that the more I knew about her, the more I would worry about her, etc. I mentioned I was worried about someone breaking in on us, etc. and she asked what made this different from her old office? Perfectly logical question because there is no difference.
So off we went talking about my mother and how she moved us around a lot and told us everything would be fine, and it wasn't, and how things just got worse and worse until everything (our family) disintegrated into total nothingness and I was left alone again w/my father, 500 miles away from the rest of my family. So my T moving put my trust in her at risk again, even after all these years.
It was amazing. I never would have understand any of this if I hadn't brought up the fact that I was simply uncomfortable.
Thanks for reading; I appreciate so much everyone's help here. This is a great place.
antigua
Posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 13:57:10
In reply to Update (long), posted by antigua on September 1, 2004, at 12:56:56
I'm so glad you were able to bring it up with her. It's astonishing what can come to the surface in therapy sometimes, isn't it.
Posted by Susan47 on September 2, 2004, at 23:36:34
In reply to Update (long), posted by antigua on September 1, 2004, at 12:56:56
Oh Antigua, ((((antigua))))
Some people believe that everything happens for a reason. Your therapist moving and your reaction to the temporary blankness of the room, your memory, is so huge. (((*))) When I read your memories I feel like I'm right there with you. This is very big for you isn't it. You don't need to answer, don't feel like you have to, this is just my reaction. Thanks for letting me have it.
Posted by daisym on September 3, 2004, at 0:24:51
In reply to Update (long), posted by antigua on September 1, 2004, at 12:56:56
Antigua,
What a powerful session you had! You must be exhausted. Isn't it interesting how we can be triggered and not initially know it. We just get more and more uncomfortable. I'm glad you could figure it out and now try to deal with it.
I also have had the experience of memories unfolding. For me it was having the sound begin to drop back in. I would have sworn so much of what happened was done in complete silence. I was wrong. Please be easy with yourself. It has been my experience that after a memory is released, even if you "knew it" already, the emotions can flood and wash over you in a painful way. I have a pattern of melt down about 6 hours later and into the next day. And I'm surprised at the physical concentration of the pain in my chest.
You were brave to talk to her. I'm glad you did it, even if you did have to skip EMDR. (Don't you think it is interesting that you booked them over each other...hmmm...wonder which to avoid?)
thanks for sharing.
Daisy
Posted by vwoolf on September 4, 2004, at 14:51:48
In reply to Update (long), posted by antigua on September 1, 2004, at 12:56:56
Oh Antigua! This must be so hard. I am sitting here frozen after reading you post, my breath is shallow. I know exactly what you mean.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.