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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 1, 2004, at 19:43:11
Howdy,
Seeing as how the time machine is still broken, I wasn't able to go back in time and erase the last part of my session last week when I told my T that there was something I had never told him but that I wasn't ready to tell him...Over the last week since, I've been feeling pretty crappy for a number of reasons...hubby has been on back to back business trips, SE's from Nardil are getting to be too much to tolerate, and the anxiety about this thing I dropped in therapy has been eating away at me. Literally. I've been gnawing on my tongue and upper lip as in what I think of as a "nervous habit", but my T today likened it more directly to my doorknow bomb...I am literally biting my tongue, which I wish I had done last week.
But anyway, today I'm sitting in the waiting room anxiously awaiting my session, wondering how I was going to get myself out of this. I knew he would not pressure me to tell him, and in fact, I suspect he would not bring it up unless I did again. So I sit and wait. He's often up to 10 or 15 minutes late getting started. I lost track of time, realized it had been 30 minutes and finally went back up to receptionist and asked if they had called him or if I coule reschedule. She said yes they had told him I was there, but frankly I don't believe her because I usually see her or hear her do it and I didn't this time. Anyway, she called him and then actually went back there. At this point I said I just wanted to reschedule which he was fine with. I just wanted to get out of there.
So then he says, "Are you doing okay, because you don't look like you are doing okay." Cue the tears. Sheesh. I just can't escape. For a 30 minute session I would rather have avoided, it wasn't that bad. He reassured me that I was doing what he requested as per our therapy "contract"...reporting my thoughts. And my thoughts are about a great deal of ambivalence and fear about disclosing this thing that I had no intention of ever telling him. I scarcely even think about it, so I could not understand why I dropped it like a bomb last time. But of course in talking it out, never disclosing, but talking about my fears, I figured out the link between it and starting internship in a few weeks. And how I'm scared about starting and the anxiety and pressure I will feel.
Pretty productive for a half hour. And I was just too tired and anxious and I thought kind of flat to be mad about lateness. But I suppose I'll work up some righteous anger later...
Thanks for listening.
gg
Posted by fallsfall on September 1, 2004, at 21:21:24
In reply to abbreviated session today...bad timing! (longish), posted by gardenergirl on September 1, 2004, at 19:43:11
So, that is why you *didn't* bite your tongue the last time - because this thing is really bothering you, and you really don't want it to affect your internship.
Isn't it amazing how talking about why you won't talk about something helps to clarify things in your mind?
I'm glad you talked about it, and I'm glad he is perceptive.
Posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 22:46:36
In reply to abbreviated session today...bad timing! (longish), posted by gardenergirl on September 1, 2004, at 19:43:11
He didn't go longer to make up for his lateness? I'd be quivering with righteous anger.
I'm glad it worked out well though. Sometimes anger stirs things up and brings things to the surface.
Your next session is in a week?
Posted by DaisyM on September 2, 2004, at 1:07:54
In reply to Re: abbreviated session today...bad timing! (longish) » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 22:46:36
maybe the lost parts of the session allowed you to work into this emotionally honest state...so valuable in the end. I will tell you that when I started therapy I had no intention of talking about the past, the abuse, any of it. I never had before, never thought it was important to my life. And look where I am now. And I did it sort of like you started...I dropped out that there was something to tell, and then it took me a few sessions to get it out.
It speaks to the trust you have in your therapist that you might tell him this secret. I also have to wonder as you begin to think about termination, if this isn't the "last" thing you might need to do with your therapist. It is showing its importance in some way...either proving you aren't done, aren't ready to leave therapy, or maybe it is a last string to be tied up.
Either way, I'm sorry you spent so much time worrying about it over the past week. It is awful, those flop out of the mouth bombs. I'd lend you my time machine if I had one.
Take good care.
Daisy
Posted by DaisyM on September 2, 2004, at 1:10:46
In reply to abbreviated session today...bad timing! (longish), posted by gardenergirl on September 1, 2004, at 19:43:11
I had the extreme experience of waiting yesterday (not my usual day) and getting soooo anxious that I had the time wrong, that it wasn't my turn. I would have freaked if he had been a half hour late. (We decided this was part of the "starting over" feelings I have been having.)
I wanted to say I was impressed with your courage for waiting and then trying to hold it together to reschedule. I would have bolted.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 2, 2004, at 8:56:49
In reply to Re: abbreviated session today...bad timing! (longish) » gardenergirl, posted by fallsfall on September 1, 2004, at 21:21:24
> So, that is why you *didn't* bite your tongue the last time - because this thing is really bothering you, and you really don't want it to affect your internship.
Yeah, I suppose so. But gosh darn it. My tongue hurts today! :)
>
> Isn't it amazing how talking about why you won't talk about something helps to clarify things in your mind?
>
> I'm glad you talked about it, and I'm glad he is perceptive.
It is really amazing. And I love how he just asks questions or says something simple and all of a sudden the light bulb goes off. It's like he's leading me there, but not really...I don't feel led, per se. But I doubt I would get there as quickly or in some cases at all without him.You know, I don't call him evil anymore. But this is an example of a time when I would have. :) Progress?
Thanks for your thoughts.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on September 2, 2004, at 9:00:26
In reply to Re: abbreviated session today...bad timing! (longish) » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 22:46:36
> He didn't go longer to make up for his lateness? I'd be quivering with righteous anger.
I don't know if he had another person scheduled at 3 or not. I was just planning to bail, and I told him I couldn't go later because I had too much to do later in the afternoon. I suppose I could have stayed, but I really just wanted to leave, and I guess it was a way (passive-aggressively of course) of paying him back...?
>
> I'm glad it worked out well though. Sometimes anger stirs things up and brings things to the surface.Could be. I think this was more anxiety. I was feeling strangely too tired for anger. I've been that way for a week or so. Kind of like flat, but just for anger.
> Your next session is in a week?Yes. We were going to schedule a whole session for today, but he was all full. And Friday my inlaws will be here. Although now they are coming a day later, so...But I'll survive. Especially knowing it wasn't that bad.
Thanks,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on September 2, 2004, at 9:27:21
In reply to One more thought, posted by DaisyM on September 2, 2004, at 1:10:46
> I had the extreme experience of waiting yesterday (not my usual day) and getting soooo anxious that I had the time wrong, that it wasn't my turn.
I hate that feeling. I did want to bolt. When I asked the receptionist if he knew I was there, I offered to reschedule. I was really hoping I could do it with her and just leave.
That's a good thought in your first post about becoming more open while waiting. I did jump right in when he asked. In part, it was just nice of someone to ask, I guess.
But yeah, I do think that maybe this might be the last big thing. Gosh I hope so. I could perhaps have kept moving towards termination without it coming up, but if it was literally eating away at me...you should see the gnaw marks on my upper lip :( then it pretty much just has to come up, eh?
It will be interesting to see where this goes. I have a feeling I won't be able to help but to tell him. Which is scary as h#ll but will probably feel like a relief, too. As long as I don't see even a tiny bit of disappointment on his face. He knows that's a big part of what scares me.
Thanks for the kind words. It helps knowing that others have been through similar situations in therapy and not only survived but benefitted.
Daisy, I'm glad you and your T are reconnecting.
gg
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