Posted by gardenergirl on September 1, 2004, at 19:43:11
Howdy,
Seeing as how the time machine is still broken, I wasn't able to go back in time and erase the last part of my session last week when I told my T that there was something I had never told him but that I wasn't ready to tell him...Over the last week since, I've been feeling pretty crappy for a number of reasons...hubby has been on back to back business trips, SE's from Nardil are getting to be too much to tolerate, and the anxiety about this thing I dropped in therapy has been eating away at me. Literally. I've been gnawing on my tongue and upper lip as in what I think of as a "nervous habit", but my T today likened it more directly to my doorknow bomb...I am literally biting my tongue, which I wish I had done last week.
But anyway, today I'm sitting in the waiting room anxiously awaiting my session, wondering how I was going to get myself out of this. I knew he would not pressure me to tell him, and in fact, I suspect he would not bring it up unless I did again. So I sit and wait. He's often up to 10 or 15 minutes late getting started. I lost track of time, realized it had been 30 minutes and finally went back up to receptionist and asked if they had called him or if I coule reschedule. She said yes they had told him I was there, but frankly I don't believe her because I usually see her or hear her do it and I didn't this time. Anyway, she called him and then actually went back there. At this point I said I just wanted to reschedule which he was fine with. I just wanted to get out of there.
So then he says, "Are you doing okay, because you don't look like you are doing okay." Cue the tears. Sheesh. I just can't escape. For a 30 minute session I would rather have avoided, it wasn't that bad. He reassured me that I was doing what he requested as per our therapy "contract"...reporting my thoughts. And my thoughts are about a great deal of ambivalence and fear about disclosing this thing that I had no intention of ever telling him. I scarcely even think about it, so I could not understand why I dropped it like a bomb last time. But of course in talking it out, never disclosing, but talking about my fears, I figured out the link between it and starting internship in a few weeks. And how I'm scared about starting and the anxiety and pressure I will feel.
Pretty productive for a half hour. And I was just too tired and anxious and I thought kind of flat to be mad about lateness. But I suppose I'll work up some righteous anger later...
Thanks for listening.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:385407
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040828/msgs/385407.html