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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on August 29, 2004, at 17:03:57
I didn't journal much while I was away, even though I brought my laptop. There wasn't time or privacy and the emotions were too overwhelming to capture. But since I've been back, I'm writing like crazy. Journal entries, babble, stories...I can't seem to stop.
One of my journal entries is haunting me. I wrote about the external things I looked at when I was dissociating -- ceilings, posters, in great detail. And I wrote about how it felt when I couldn't use these things to help me dissociate. It feels like a really important journal entry and I figured out today that it was written by my 12/13 year old self. I'm not sure she has shared at this level before, what she was doing and feeling. And she has rarely, if ever, "talked" in therapy.
I shared it with a friend, who said it made her sad, this need to escape into the ceiling. So she got it (she always does!) But I'm struggling with why it feels like this is SO important and why I feel like I should share it with my therapist.
There isn't "new" information in the entry. It isn't a detailed description of what happened and besides I've told him about specific stuff already. It isn't even the homework assignment I was supposed to do. I guess I don't trust that this isn't some kind of red herring, a deflection away from the details he wants me to try and say outloud.
And yet...there is another, very quiet thought that whispers that she is ready to maybe trust "our" therapist, just a little, with her private experiences. And I wonder if, since this 13 yr old was the one that got left (my dad left when I was 13 and moved to another coast and I didn't see him again for 4 years), if this vacation break (therapist left but he DID come back) didn't prove something to her that I didn't even know needed to be proven.
The more I think about it, the more my thoughts chase themselves in a circle. What do you guys think?
Posted by Dinah on August 29, 2004, at 17:06:55
In reply to To share? Or not to share?, posted by daisym on August 29, 2004, at 17:03:57
I think share.
Your therapist has the sensitivity to justify your trust in him. I'd vote to give him the chance to do that.
Posted by fallsfall on August 29, 2004, at 17:24:21
In reply to To share? Or not to share?, posted by daisym on August 29, 2004, at 17:03:57
I vote to share, too.
You can decide with him how much time to give it (from just handing him the paper to talking about it for multiple sessions). Together you can decide why it feels SO important.
Good luck.
Posted by Aphrodite on August 29, 2004, at 19:31:23
In reply to To share? Or not to share?, posted by daisym on August 29, 2004, at 17:03:57
It may not be new information, but it sounds like it's from a new source. That alone is significant.
I'm glad writing is a useful outlet for you. It often is for me, though I have to be careful because sometimes it brings up hidden memories, and I become overwhelmed. Mostly, it's very healing. I'll be interested to hear what he has to say.
Posted by shortelise on August 29, 2004, at 23:57:52
In reply to To share? Or not to share?, posted by daisym on August 29, 2004, at 17:03:57
It's in therapy that I discover why things like this feel so important. This is why I go to him - to get his help to understand the things I can't seem to figure out on my own.
ShortE
Posted by daisym on August 31, 2004, at 1:00:41
In reply to Re: To share? Or not to share?, posted by shortelise on August 29, 2004, at 23:57:52
I took in the journal entry and actually some of my other thoughts about it to therapy today. First we talked about this unrelenting need to share it, and the fear that he wouldn't think it was important. Or that he would think it was just more of the same. He asked me to read what I wrote, which was actually OK. I wanted to hear it again. I tried to figure out what was behind the words and why I felt so much fear after reading it out loud. I felt physically sick and I had a hard time breathing. We worked on the breathing, calming down and then we tried to work on the fear. All I could come up with was that it felt like the first time I told him. Almost exactly the same response. Sheer terror that the world would end. And he wouldn't want to be my therapist anymore. It was awful.
I told him I'm afraid I can't do this work anymore. I can't hold these memories in my brain, can't function in my life. I need to stop. He said we will just go slow, take it one session at a time. Deal with whatever is up. He tried to reassure me that I wasn't alone doing this work, wasn't going to drive him crazy. He said he is available to me as much as I needed him to be. Nothing has changed, just because there was a break.
But somehow I don't think I believe it will ever get better. I feel like we are starting over and I don't know why I feel that way. He can't make it better, therapy every day isn't making it better. I need to STUFF it in a box, chain it up and never let it out again, ever. My fantasy all night has been to call him in the morning and cancel the rest of the week. Give the pain a chance to ease off. Give him a break from all of this. Give me a chance to get myself back under control.
I'm just so done.
Posted by Dinah on August 31, 2004, at 1:36:57
In reply to I shared. Now I think I'm done, posted by daisym on August 31, 2004, at 1:00:41
Daisy, I may be way off base here, but you said in a previous post:
"I'm not sure she has shared at this level before, what she was doing and feeling. And she has rarely, if ever, "talked" in therapy."
Is it possible that it feels like you're starting over because in some ways you are starting, maybe not starting over, but starting anew? And it feels like it's the first time you said it because in some ways it is the first time you said it? And that maybe the sharing was even more scary than what was shared? And that you are afraid of is that your therapist wouldn't want to be therapist to all of what you bring him?
Sometimes you can look at things from different angles, different perspectives, and it's as if you'd never seen that thing before. I'm sure you've experienced that. You usually drive past a particular piece of scenery from the east, and one day you approach it from the west and it looks eerily familiar yet unfamiliar. And you approach it from the north and you see things in it that you never noticed from the east or west. And if you were to fly over it, it would be as unrecognizable as if you had never seen it.
I think that part of the repetitiveness of therapy is that not only do we have to incorporate new ideas slowly, but sometimes we need to approach things in all their complexity one piece at a time. All we can take in is one view at a time.
And we probably present ourselves to our therapists and to anyone with whom we have deepening intimacy of any sort the same way. We expose one aspect of ourselves and see if it is accepted, then another, then another. And each time we allow someone a glimpse of another aspect of ourselves it's scary. We fear that this will be it. This will be the part of our being that we should have kept hidden. "Drat! I should have kept the north access road blockaded!"
I could be completely and totally off base, but if there's any truth in my theory then you aren't doing badly at all. If I'm not totally off base, you deepened the level of intimacy a big step, and you're quite naturally frightened that it was a mistake. Well, naturally because any deepening of intimacy is scary - not because I think your therapist can't accept a deeper level. And wanting to withdraw after opening up seems quite reasonable in many situations, if perhaps a bit counterproductive at some times.
Therapy, for me, started to really work it's best when I felt accepted in my entirety. When my therapist maybe didn't approve of everything about me but understood at least as much as I did and accepted probably more. When he had seen me from north, south, east, west, NE, SW, and overhead and could really speak in a language that I could relate to because he knew what made me tick. The only problem is that I know when he's playing me like a violin. :)
And if I'm babbling nonsense, feel free to just ignore it. :)
Posted by antigua on August 31, 2004, at 6:34:01
In reply to I shared. Now I think I'm done, posted by daisym on August 31, 2004, at 1:00:41
I know it feels so hard, but you are doing so well. I promise, I promise, I promise. I know what you mean, though, about wanting to take a huge step back and let everything settle down. I do that sometimes because I have to, I have no other choice. My mind/body just can't take anymore sometimes and I either shut down or flee. Consequently, it takes longer to get through these things. I have the most elaborate denial system in the world! I'm a champ at it, but it just drags everything out. If I could have it all laid out in front of me for me to deal w/it, I'd prefer that pain over draining it out slowly...
My T always says we don't go any further than we are able to and we don't tackle something until we are ready, so I choose to believe her.
I think Dinah had many good things to say. You spoke to your T with that girl who was most damaged. You trust him and you're afraid to trust him too. That said, there's nothing wrong with taking a sanity break to remind yourself that you are a functioning adult.
I'm thinking about you. Take care as much as you can,
antigua
Posted by fallsfall on August 31, 2004, at 7:46:40
In reply to Re: I shared. Now I think I'm done » daisym, posted by Dinah on August 31, 2004, at 1:36:57
Posted by fallsfall on August 31, 2004, at 7:57:05
In reply to I shared. Now I think I'm done, posted by daisym on August 31, 2004, at 1:00:41
I'm proud of you for sharing that with him.
And he didn't run away screaming, did he? Do you know what he was feeling? You were feeling terror, but what was HE feeling?
>He tried to reassure me that I wasn't alone doing this work, wasn't going to drive him crazy. He said he is available to me as much as I needed him to be. Nothing has changed, just because there was a break.
Print this out onto a small card, and have it laminated.
If you feel this much terror because you have "told" now, can you imagine how much terror you would have felt if you had told as a child?
You showed your journalling to your friend, and she didn't "leave". You read your journalling to your therapist, and he says that "he is available to me as much as I needed him to be" - he didn't "leave".
I think that you *do* need to be able to stuff it in a box, but not forever. You need to be able to put it away so that you can sleep. You need to be able to put it away so that you can work. But you can't put it away forever. It is your history, it has affected (effected? Oh, no! I have to go back and read Larry's post again!!) who you are.
And we like who you are.
Posted by Aphrodite on August 31, 2004, at 17:35:46
In reply to I shared. Now I think I'm done, posted by daisym on August 31, 2004, at 1:00:41
(((Daisy)))
Could it be that after 10 days without him and relearning how to cope on your own, that it was jolting to go back to sharing in therapy? That could be part of why it feels like starting over. You also said that this journal was the same experience but reported by a different part of you, so that could also feel new.
I'm dredging through similar material for the first time, and it seems relieving, frightening, pointless, and healing all at the same time.
If it seemed relieving to you to call and cancel, maybe something is telling you to slow down or take a break. I don't know; did you discuss it with him? Every time I have a hard session, I want to call and quit. It's that push/pull thing as I learn to find middle ground and safe ways to share.
I wish I had better advice; just know that I understand. Give us an update soon, OK?
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