Posted by daisym on August 31, 2004, at 1:00:41
In reply to Re: To share? Or not to share?, posted by shortelise on August 29, 2004, at 23:57:52
I took in the journal entry and actually some of my other thoughts about it to therapy today. First we talked about this unrelenting need to share it, and the fear that he wouldn't think it was important. Or that he would think it was just more of the same. He asked me to read what I wrote, which was actually OK. I wanted to hear it again. I tried to figure out what was behind the words and why I felt so much fear after reading it out loud. I felt physically sick and I had a hard time breathing. We worked on the breathing, calming down and then we tried to work on the fear. All I could come up with was that it felt like the first time I told him. Almost exactly the same response. Sheer terror that the world would end. And he wouldn't want to be my therapist anymore. It was awful.
I told him I'm afraid I can't do this work anymore. I can't hold these memories in my brain, can't function in my life. I need to stop. He said we will just go slow, take it one session at a time. Deal with whatever is up. He tried to reassure me that I wasn't alone doing this work, wasn't going to drive him crazy. He said he is available to me as much as I needed him to be. Nothing has changed, just because there was a break.
But somehow I don't think I believe it will ever get better. I feel like we are starting over and I don't know why I feel that way. He can't make it better, therapy every day isn't making it better. I need to STUFF it in a box, chain it up and never let it out again, ever. My fantasy all night has been to call him in the morning and cancel the rest of the week. Give the pain a chance to ease off. Give him a break from all of this. Give me a chance to get myself back under control.
I'm just so done.
poster:daisym
thread:383769
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040828/msgs/384475.html