Posted by daisym on August 29, 2004, at 17:03:57
I didn't journal much while I was away, even though I brought my laptop. There wasn't time or privacy and the emotions were too overwhelming to capture. But since I've been back, I'm writing like crazy. Journal entries, babble, stories...I can't seem to stop.
One of my journal entries is haunting me. I wrote about the external things I looked at when I was dissociating -- ceilings, posters, in great detail. And I wrote about how it felt when I couldn't use these things to help me dissociate. It feels like a really important journal entry and I figured out today that it was written by my 12/13 year old self. I'm not sure she has shared at this level before, what she was doing and feeling. And she has rarely, if ever, "talked" in therapy.
I shared it with a friend, who said it made her sad, this need to escape into the ceiling. So she got it (she always does!) But I'm struggling with why it feels like this is SO important and why I feel like I should share it with my therapist.
There isn't "new" information in the entry. It isn't a detailed description of what happened and besides I've told him about specific stuff already. It isn't even the homework assignment I was supposed to do. I guess I don't trust that this isn't some kind of red herring, a deflection away from the details he wants me to try and say outloud.
And yet...there is another, very quiet thought that whispers that she is ready to maybe trust "our" therapist, just a little, with her private experiences. And I wonder if, since this 13 yr old was the one that got left (my dad left when I was 13 and moved to another coast and I didn't see him again for 4 years), if this vacation break (therapist left but he DID come back) didn't prove something to her that I didn't even know needed to be proven.
The more I think about it, the more my thoughts chase themselves in a circle. What do you guys think?
poster:daisym
thread:383769
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040828/msgs/383769.html