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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on July 28, 2004, at 13:25:52
Thank you to all who responded to me above. The fact that you took the time to respond means a lot, and the content was as good as it always is. I'm sorry I don't feel up to responding to each of you individually, but I do feel individual gratitude to each of you.
In the end, I never named the Miasmic Monster that's stalking me, and I even missed the core issue until *after* the session, although I'm going to call her and tell her about it, so that maybe we can work through the worst of it more intensely next session. (The core issue? I respond badly to interpersonal tension. Ha! Like this is news to anyone? Still, the tension between myself and Dr EyeCandy has gotten so far out of hand I just collapse. Maybe if we can find some way to reduce my reaction to that, it won't be so bad.)
Anyway, even though I presented the monster with the deft touch of the cinematic masters, who always showed the creatures of nightmare in soft focus and dim lighting, I did give some concrete examples of the sorts of situations that built my reactions, and about how I experience those reactions. And today in session, I talked a fair amount about some of those same issues. And about how and when and why I just shut down at times.
And we talked about trust. Not about concepts related to trust, and not about trust in her, but about how I deal with trust in general.
And you know what? I contradicted something she said. I didn't just say, "yeah, that must be it..." when I didn't believe what she said. I contradicted her directly. "Nope, that's not how I see it at all."
And you know what? It was OK. In fact, she told me she liked what I said.
That felt good.
And, for whatever reason, I was a hell of a lot more open about some of my other core issues than I think I've ever been before with anyone. It is, of course, very frightening. Kinda like when your muscles are sore from exercising, but it feels good? Same sort of phenomenon: it's scary as hell, because it's new and it's dangerous, but it also feels good, because maybe this will be the starting point towards real relief.
Sort of a vicious circle, though: most of the issues involve self-doubt, insecurity, self-esteem, self-criticism -- all the things that you never want anyone else in the world to know about, so that no one except yourself will ever know how totally pathetic you really are, right? Guess it's natural to have trouble opening up about them.
We also talked a bit about my need for recognition. Not much, but it's a big part of the whole thing. Hell, at one point I had to present an award to someone at a ceremony -- the award for having worked the most hours during a certain period -- when I knew that I had actually earned that award. (That's based on quantifiable data, and I had worked about 25% more hours than she had.) I felt guilty about my resentment, especially since I actually knew that there was an arguably good reason giving the award to her instead of me, even though the committee knew how many hours we'd each worked. Guess that's good fodder for another session, and that sort of thing came up today, so I guess we'll get to it.
Yeah, DaisyMae -- I'm in "hurry up" mode in a big way right now. Kinda ironic, since it feels as if everything around me is happening way too fast.
Posted by Poet on July 28, 2004, at 14:16:01
In reply to OK, here's the report from this morning's session, posted by Racer on July 28, 2004, at 13:25:52
Racer,
Even though you presented those monsters in soft focus and dim light, you know they are there and are working on destroying them.
I'm sending the gang with the torches to help you drive them out of town as soon as they drive mine out of town.
Poet
Posted by vwoolf on July 28, 2004, at 15:10:44
In reply to OK, here's the report from this morning's session, posted by Racer on July 28, 2004, at 13:25:52
I'm so glad you managed to trust yourself enough to broach what was worrying you with your therapist. Trust seems to be made up of a lot of what appear to be small steps, but actually end up being huge ones when you look back. It is very difficult for people with a past like ours to be able to trust anyone, so what happened today looks very important to me.
A warm hug.
Posted by AuntieMel on July 28, 2004, at 15:17:48
In reply to OK, here's the report from this morning's session, posted by Racer on July 28, 2004, at 13:25:52
That's amazing! You contradicted and she didn't accuse you of not cooperating....
It just shows to go you that it wasn't you all along, not that anyone thought it was.
It really does help to be able to believe that it is safe to open up, doesn't it. I bet that was greatly increased when you started feeling comfortable to disagree. I know that if I don't feel free to disagree, in any circumstance, I shut down. (I'm in a group where the moderator thinks he knows everything. I work crosswords)
Now to get the strength to contradict Doc Candy. Aren't you only temporarily saddled with him, till insurance kicks in? Either way, remember he is there for you. Make him work for his money.
Again - wonderful news.
Mel
Posted by Racer on July 28, 2004, at 16:17:11
In reply to Re: OK, here's the report from this morning's sess » Racer, posted by AuntieMel on July 28, 2004, at 15:17:48
> That's amazing! You contradicted and she didn't accuse you of not cooperating....
>
> It just shows to go you that it wasn't you all along, not that anyone thought it was.Um...actually... I think you meant to say "not that anyone *here* thought it was." That's been a *huge* element of the problems with those other therapists -- whether they really thought it was all me all along or not, they certainly *told* me all along that it was only me...
See, I know that I have a big problem holding on to my boundaries when I hit unwavering opposition. Heheheh -- I think that statement pretty well sums up my goals in therapy! When I hear over and over that it really is "all me", that the only reason I can't see it myself is that I'm the one with the problems, I question myself and usually start to believe it. Or, more accurately, I try to believe it -- which leads to self-recrimination for my inability to believe it entirely. What I experienced during the months from December to May really triggered that cycle in a very big way.
The good news for me, though, is that I'm starting to be able to back up my perspective with empirical evidence again, and I'm getting some support for that from my new therapist. (I guess she needs a name now, since everyone else has one. What should it be? She's slim, pretty, smart, just darling, and dresses well in a very casual way. No makeup, but always looks so fresh, clean, and -- just nice. Hm... The Ivory Girl? Naw, that makes me think of Marilyn Chambers... I'll put my mind to it, but if you have any ideas...)
>
> It really does help to be able to believe that it is safe to open up, doesn't it. I bet that was greatly increased when you started feeling comfortable to disagree. I know that if I don't feel free to disagree, in any circumstance, I shut down. (I'm in a group where the moderator thinks he knows everything. I work crosswords)Yep. That's it exactly. The real problem, though, is that what you describe about your crosswords really is a pretty healthy coping strategy. (Well, maybe not the absolute best, especially if it's a therapy group, but you know what I mean.) Under normal circumstances, I do very similar things, and it's unquestionably adaptive. What happens, though, in a situation in which it is utterly impossible? What happens when, for example, it's a business meeting in which you disagree, you know that whatever is being proposed is likely to destroy something that's already working, you know that it's going to affect you most directly and you'll be blamed for it, and you know that you're going to be called on to respond at the end of the presentation? The only thing I can think of to do in such a situation is commit hara-kiri on the conference table!
And that's only a professional situation. Apply the same elements to a psychiatrist, and it's even more important to be able to get past that shut down.
That's the part that I can never do. In a business setting, I've been known to respond to those situations without shutting down -- maybe not optimally, but I have managed to avoid the shut down response. It's easier there, though, because it's removed from *me* in the sense that I can walk away from the position. I suppose I could walk away from me, too, but I don't really want to do that. It's just that sometimes that seems like the only way to relieve the pain.
>
> Again - wonderful news.
>
> MelThank you so much, Mel. It's very comforting to know that you care.
As for everyone else, I have a few things to say to you, too.
Poet, your handle fits. Thank you for continuing my metaphor. I absolutely love the mental image of the townsfolk with their torches racing through the darkness to the gates of Dr EyeCandy's lair. I think I can be patient, though, until they complete the job they've committed to for you.
vwoolf, you're very comforting to me. It sounds as if we're pretty well matched in some things, so it's like having someone holding my hand in the dark. I'm sorry that that means you're suffering, too, but I'm ever so grateful to know that I'm not alone.
Posted by AuntieMel on July 28, 2004, at 16:29:32
In reply to Ugh -- therein lies the rub... » AuntieMel, posted by Racer on July 28, 2004, at 16:17:11
Of course I meant anyone here. Is there anyone else?
Whacked out therapists had you. Even if they believe everything is your fault, and even if (hypothetic) everything actually is your fault the therapist isn't supposed to *tell* you that. I mean, Imeeeeeeeeeeean (quoting Alice's Restaurant) isn't it kinda their *job* to help with that?
I don't have too much problem with the business situations - they aren't personal - and I will voice my concerns in a meeting. If they get shot down - well at least I tried.
Nope, not the Ivory Girl. How bout the Breck Girl?
Posted by Ilene on July 28, 2004, at 20:40:59
In reply to Ugh -- therein lies the rub... » AuntieMel, posted by Racer on July 28, 2004, at 16:17:11
How about BarbieDoll?
Posted by gardenergirl on July 28, 2004, at 21:16:07
In reply to Re: Ugh -- therein lies the rub... » Racer, posted by Ilene on July 28, 2004, at 20:40:59
Yeah, needs to be a "B" to stick with Babble convention.
gg
Posted by daisym on July 29, 2004, at 0:43:51
In reply to Re: Ugh -- therein lies the rub..., posted by gardenergirl on July 28, 2004, at 21:16:07
I don't know about the naming thing. No offense to anyone, but I have a hard enough time during sessions...can't you just see me slipping and calling him by his Babble name...then I'd have to explain WHY I chose the name I did, we'd have to talk about respect and reframing issues...it's just too much for me! Maybe I'm just a stick in the mud about this...
On another note:
I'm glad you are moving forward Racer and finding her receptive. It DOES sound like you are in a hurry. Be careful with yourself. I know you are anxious to "fix" everything, but as you've told me many times, the pain is part of the process and the process is essential for healing. You are on the right track. Don't derail by taking a turn too fast.I must say -- Calling between sessions??!!! How far you've come in a short time! Keep up the good work. :)
D
Posted by Racer on July 29, 2004, at 11:33:28
In reply to Re: Ugh -- therein lies the rub..., posted by daisym on July 29, 2004, at 0:43:51
I had to call her back: she's going out of town next week, so we were scheduling another session this week and I missed her call about it. I had to call her anyway, so I included the part about the interpersonal tension so that I wouldn't back away or forget it in the meantime. I wouldn't have called just to tell her about that part, though.
And I have this little background fear that I'll refer to "Dr EyeCandy" in either a writing assignment or a session, too. I know I won't do it to his face, because I'm such a stubborn git I refuse to call him anything at all! Long habit of stubbornness on this one: older doctors, whom I respect, I will call Dr LastName; younger doctors I respect I call Dr FirstName; all other doctors are FirstName only. It's got to do with my prickly insistence on being treated with respect: the less I feel they treat me with respect, the less respect I'm willing to express to them. And you know what? Especially the vets who've gone from FirstName to Dr FirstName? Once they know me well enough to bring it up, they've all told me that they knew they'd *earned* my respect then, and they appreciated it. And it improved our relationship.
People doctors are more sensitive about those things, though. And Dr EyeCandy is so damned prickly himself about everything, that I'm afraid to call him by his first name: "Darling" (But Darling is my ex-bf's name, so I do find myself occassionally telling a "darling" story, usually about Darling's older son, my SonShine. No doubt fodder for psychoanalysis...)
Names are important. I think we've discussed my interest in the philosophy of linguistics? That's part of why I like having a "name" for these people. But I want to be very careful with The New Good Therapist. Not Barbie, because that kinda connotes a stereotype that no one really respects anymore. I want something that expresses what she already means to me: proof that my fears based on TTFTBL were unfounded; a thread attached to a rope that I can hold onto until I find my feet under me again; a voice in the darkness. So, I"ll be considering it very carefully, and until then she'll be The New Good Therapist or some variation on that.
Thanks, Daisy.
Posted by vwoolf on July 29, 2004, at 14:05:52
In reply to LoL! The reason I called... » daisym, posted by Racer on July 29, 2004, at 11:33:28
Please can you direct me to where you discussed your philosophy of linguistics - I have a soft spot for the subject. I'm using first names only for everyone at the moment, from my gynaecologist down, and I'm sure a lot of people are taking offense but are too scared of me to say so.
Thanks
Posted by AuntieMel on July 30, 2004, at 8:54:25
In reply to LoL! The reason I called... » daisym, posted by Racer on July 29, 2004, at 11:33:28
Ok, it may only be big and important to me.....
<such a stubborn git I refuse...
What the h*ll is a git????????????
I know it's something naughty, but I've never been able to get anyone to define it for me. I first heard it when some prankster in the co. named a bit of software "git" and someone else said it would have to be renamed. But no one would tell me why. And I've asked every brit I know and they've all just turned red and won't tell me.
Please tell me!! This has been bugging me (ok, off and on) for almost 10 years.
tia
Mel
Posted by Racer on July 31, 2004, at 13:40:17
In reply to Re:BIG Important Question » Racer, posted by AuntieMel on July 30, 2004, at 8:54:25
According to my husband, the Furriner, "git" is roughly "moronic idiot" -- just a more derogatory version to make the point that this is terminal stupidity.
In other words, you're unlikely to find it in the dictionary ;-)
Hope that helps.
Posted by AuntieMel on July 31, 2004, at 21:08:35
In reply to Re:BIG Important Answer » AuntieMel, posted by Racer on July 31, 2004, at 13:40:17
You can't know how happy I am to have a definition. This has been bugging me for a long time.
This is the end of the thread.
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