Posted by Racer on July 28, 2004, at 13:25:52
Thank you to all who responded to me above. The fact that you took the time to respond means a lot, and the content was as good as it always is. I'm sorry I don't feel up to responding to each of you individually, but I do feel individual gratitude to each of you.
In the end, I never named the Miasmic Monster that's stalking me, and I even missed the core issue until *after* the session, although I'm going to call her and tell her about it, so that maybe we can work through the worst of it more intensely next session. (The core issue? I respond badly to interpersonal tension. Ha! Like this is news to anyone? Still, the tension between myself and Dr EyeCandy has gotten so far out of hand I just collapse. Maybe if we can find some way to reduce my reaction to that, it won't be so bad.)
Anyway, even though I presented the monster with the deft touch of the cinematic masters, who always showed the creatures of nightmare in soft focus and dim lighting, I did give some concrete examples of the sorts of situations that built my reactions, and about how I experience those reactions. And today in session, I talked a fair amount about some of those same issues. And about how and when and why I just shut down at times.
And we talked about trust. Not about concepts related to trust, and not about trust in her, but about how I deal with trust in general.
And you know what? I contradicted something she said. I didn't just say, "yeah, that must be it..." when I didn't believe what she said. I contradicted her directly. "Nope, that's not how I see it at all."
And you know what? It was OK. In fact, she told me she liked what I said.
That felt good.
And, for whatever reason, I was a hell of a lot more open about some of my other core issues than I think I've ever been before with anyone. It is, of course, very frightening. Kinda like when your muscles are sore from exercising, but it feels good? Same sort of phenomenon: it's scary as hell, because it's new and it's dangerous, but it also feels good, because maybe this will be the starting point towards real relief.
Sort of a vicious circle, though: most of the issues involve self-doubt, insecurity, self-esteem, self-criticism -- all the things that you never want anyone else in the world to know about, so that no one except yourself will ever know how totally pathetic you really are, right? Guess it's natural to have trouble opening up about them.
We also talked a bit about my need for recognition. Not much, but it's a big part of the whole thing. Hell, at one point I had to present an award to someone at a ceremony -- the award for having worked the most hours during a certain period -- when I knew that I had actually earned that award. (That's based on quantifiable data, and I had worked about 25% more hours than she had.) I felt guilty about my resentment, especially since I actually knew that there was an arguably good reason giving the award to her instead of me, even though the committee knew how many hours we'd each worked. Guess that's good fodder for another session, and that sort of thing came up today, so I guess we'll get to it.
Yeah, DaisyMae -- I'm in "hurry up" mode in a big way right now. Kinda ironic, since it feels as if everything around me is happening way too fast.
poster:Racer
thread:371674
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/371674.html