Posted by Racer on July 28, 2004, at 16:17:11
In reply to Re: OK, here's the report from this morning's sess » Racer, posted by AuntieMel on July 28, 2004, at 15:17:48
> That's amazing! You contradicted and she didn't accuse you of not cooperating....
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> It just shows to go you that it wasn't you all along, not that anyone thought it was.Um...actually... I think you meant to say "not that anyone *here* thought it was." That's been a *huge* element of the problems with those other therapists -- whether they really thought it was all me all along or not, they certainly *told* me all along that it was only me...
See, I know that I have a big problem holding on to my boundaries when I hit unwavering opposition. Heheheh -- I think that statement pretty well sums up my goals in therapy! When I hear over and over that it really is "all me", that the only reason I can't see it myself is that I'm the one with the problems, I question myself and usually start to believe it. Or, more accurately, I try to believe it -- which leads to self-recrimination for my inability to believe it entirely. What I experienced during the months from December to May really triggered that cycle in a very big way.
The good news for me, though, is that I'm starting to be able to back up my perspective with empirical evidence again, and I'm getting some support for that from my new therapist. (I guess she needs a name now, since everyone else has one. What should it be? She's slim, pretty, smart, just darling, and dresses well in a very casual way. No makeup, but always looks so fresh, clean, and -- just nice. Hm... The Ivory Girl? Naw, that makes me think of Marilyn Chambers... I'll put my mind to it, but if you have any ideas...)
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> It really does help to be able to believe that it is safe to open up, doesn't it. I bet that was greatly increased when you started feeling comfortable to disagree. I know that if I don't feel free to disagree, in any circumstance, I shut down. (I'm in a group where the moderator thinks he knows everything. I work crosswords)Yep. That's it exactly. The real problem, though, is that what you describe about your crosswords really is a pretty healthy coping strategy. (Well, maybe not the absolute best, especially if it's a therapy group, but you know what I mean.) Under normal circumstances, I do very similar things, and it's unquestionably adaptive. What happens, though, in a situation in which it is utterly impossible? What happens when, for example, it's a business meeting in which you disagree, you know that whatever is being proposed is likely to destroy something that's already working, you know that it's going to affect you most directly and you'll be blamed for it, and you know that you're going to be called on to respond at the end of the presentation? The only thing I can think of to do in such a situation is commit hara-kiri on the conference table!
And that's only a professional situation. Apply the same elements to a psychiatrist, and it's even more important to be able to get past that shut down.
That's the part that I can never do. In a business setting, I've been known to respond to those situations without shutting down -- maybe not optimally, but I have managed to avoid the shut down response. It's easier there, though, because it's removed from *me* in the sense that I can walk away from the position. I suppose I could walk away from me, too, but I don't really want to do that. It's just that sometimes that seems like the only way to relieve the pain.
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> Again - wonderful news.
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> MelThank you so much, Mel. It's very comforting to know that you care.
As for everyone else, I have a few things to say to you, too.
Poet, your handle fits. Thank you for continuing my metaphor. I absolutely love the mental image of the townsfolk with their torches racing through the darkness to the gates of Dr EyeCandy's lair. I think I can be patient, though, until they complete the job they've committed to for you.
vwoolf, you're very comforting to me. It sounds as if we're pretty well matched in some things, so it's like having someone holding my hand in the dark. I'm sorry that that means you're suffering, too, but I'm ever so grateful to know that I'm not alone.
poster:Racer
thread:371674
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/371730.html