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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on June 16, 2004, at 23:05:45
Feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope with life last week was pretty bad. To add insult to injury. I couldn't reach my Therapist and this had never happened to me before. He was switching services and they screwed up and he didn't get any of my messages until the next afternoon, nearly 24 hours later. When he (finally) called on Friday, he asked if I was upset and perhaps thought he had abandoned me when he didn't call back. I said no, I was pretty sure something was wrong with the message system because it wasn't his voice, just an autoanswer. He said, "I don't believe you, you must have been upset. But I appreciate you understanding it was a mix up." He went on to tell me that he just couldn't believe, as hard as he has worked to get me to call when I need him, that I DID, and he didn't get the message. I kind of felt sorry for him, he was so frustrated by the situation.
I went to therapy on Monday expecting...I don't know what...but I didn't get it. I came away so angry and upset. It took me awhile to settle down and figure out that I was upset because I wanted comfort and sympathy for what I was feeling and how low I had gotten, I didn't want to "explore it." Plus I felt like such an idiot for going to that suicidal place at all, having to tell my Therapist in detail what I was thinking and doing was really embarrassing. I felt like the frightened little kid who got lost at the grocery story -- who is so very relieved to have been found but instead of getting a hug, gets a lecture about how not to get lost again.
We did talk about crisis interventions and hospitals and discussed what other supports I had in my life and how I might create some more. I know I need to have more people to call than just my Therapist. In the aftermath space of post-therapy panic though, I twisted all of that discussion to mean "You need to have other people to call and lean on because I don't want to do it as much. You are just too needy."We talked yesterday on the phone and I can't believe how completely honest I was about how upset I was. I said I felt like an idiot about all these feelings but I needed to know if he wanted me to "tell" other people so he didn't have to be there so completely for me. He said he could see how I might take it that way but that he absolutely did not mean that. That he still expected me to tell him everything, to call him when I needed him and he wasn't at all sick of me. That I could "cling to him desperately" (my favorite phrase) until I was ready not to. I was meeting a close friend after a work meeting for dinner and I wanted to know if he thought I should reveal to her what I'm working on in therapy so she would understand why I feel so nonfunctional sometimes. We went through the pros and cons of this...and he said he hesitated recommending talking to someone else about what was going on in therapy because it might "threaten" the intimate bond I feel with him, because then it wasn't just "ours" and he thinks that bond is still somewhat fragile. (I posted about the conversation with my friend on social.)
I was overtaken today by anxiety and fear just before my session. I made myself go and we tried to explore the fear. I think it was partly due to how demanding emotionally I've been on him lately (would he be mad about yesterday's phone call?) and partly due to a violent memory we've been working on. He let me struggle with it awhile and then finally said, "I'm torn between protecting you from this fear and asking you to stay with it so we can figure it out." Ultimately he rescued me, led the discussion in a different direction and at the end supplied plenty of reassurance that he was OK with being my primary support, he wanted me to lean on him and he reminded me of what I had written in the card I gave him a couple of weeks ago about learning to trust him.
How can you resist being attached to someone like this? I mean, he quoted my card! I'm reminded one more time that though the work we are doing is incredibly painful and unsettling, I am lucky, lucky, lucky to have him in my corner.
(I'll try not to worry about this over-attachment thing for a few more hours yet. :) )
I'm also very lucky to have all of you. If I haven't said it lately - thank you for all your support!
A not quite so droopy Daisy today.
Posted by Aphrodite on June 17, 2004, at 2:40:51
In reply to Over Attachment Anxiety, posted by daisym on June 16, 2004, at 23:05:45
This is one of those "Do as I say, not as I do," responses, but please try to not worry about the feelings of attachment. When you have been independent for so long, relying and trusting another person so deeply is very scary. I often think about the fact that the more I divulge and trust my therapist, the more potential he has to hurt me. I am creating someone who could be very dangerous to me. Naturally, that creates great anxiety. The alternative, though, of just sitting there "chatting" is wasting my time and money.
Even though you can't see it at this moment, my guess is when you heal more, things will naturally improve, and you'll feel less dependent. That inner child will become more secure over time but not until she has learned to trust and her needs have been met over and over. It sounds like that adult self vs. child self debate rearing its head. I am going through this big time as well.
Posted by fallsfall on June 17, 2004, at 7:12:34
In reply to Over Attachment Anxiety, posted by daisym on June 16, 2004, at 23:05:45
You are doing such hard work, Daisy.
And you are doing it so well.
And he is doing it so well.
You will make it through - you won't allow anything else. Keep pushing, we're cheering you on.
I'll send you Cream of Wheat whenever you need some.
Falls.
Posted by Dinah on June 17, 2004, at 10:27:33
In reply to Over Attachment Anxiety, posted by daisym on June 16, 2004, at 23:05:45
Drat, Daisy. I wrote a long and boring reply to your post and I can't see where it ended up. I don't know whether I didn't hit confirm, or if it's hidden on one of the other boards somewhere.
But to boil it down to its essence. It sounds as if your therapist is aware of the duality of your response. That he discussed with the grownup rational part of you alternatives for you to cope when he can't, as much as he'd like to, be available for one reason or another. But he is also sensitive to the fact that the little girl who was hurting and couldn't find her parental unit to help calm her down doesn't want to hear that sort of thing. That part of you just wants to be soothed. Neither reaction is anything to be ashamed of, and you're lucky to have a therapist who can balance the mix (at least usually).
Posted by Poet on June 17, 2004, at 17:56:20
In reply to Over Attachment Anxiety, posted by daisym on June 16, 2004, at 23:05:45
Daisy,
Talking about suicide in therapy is a tough one. I'm sorry that his answering service screwed up, but glad that you had the courage to talk to him about it in person.
I think your T sounds like someone that is safe to lean on when you need it. I am still struggling with letting myself be more dependent on my therapist, so I understand how hard it is to even make a phone call.
You called him and even though you didn't connect, you made that hard call. And you talked to him about hard things in person. You are stronger than you realize, but let yourself lean on him when you need to. It's okay.
Poet
Posted by TofuEmmy on June 20, 2004, at 8:32:38
In reply to Over Attachment Anxiety, posted by daisym on June 16, 2004, at 23:05:45
Oh heck Daisy - After reading your posts about your therapist, even I'm feeling too attached to him! :-) He sounds wonderful.
Em
P.S. It's fathers day, and I just realized that I am more attached to my deceased mom than I am to my detached and quite alive father. Ugh. Although that seems off topic, I am missing my T today.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 20, 2004, at 12:56:50
In reply to Re: Over Attachment Anxiety » daisym, posted by TofuEmmy on June 20, 2004, at 8:32:38
Daisy,
I feel like I am in the same place in therapy. I've been relying on my T more and more, and he's been great. But the more I do, the more child-like and vulnerable I feel. The last few sessions, every time we end and I have to leave, I start crying all over again (or harder if I haven't stopped). It's just so hard to leave that safe place. But when I look at that rationally, I feel like a two-year old whose Mommy is leaving just to go to the store. She'll be back, but meanwhile, I'm scared to death and feel so alone. When I told him this, and how ashamed and weak I felt about it, he said, "we are all two-year-olds."I see his point intellectually, but it always takes some repetition and processing to FEEL it. And this week he pointed out the two sides I have about it: wanting soothing and comfort and safety, but also feeling ashamed of that. He talked directly for a moment to the two-year-old side. Because he says I'm not "at ease" with being needy. Of course I'm not. I was always let down or criticized for needing anything.
And actually, in my post-wake up daydreaming yesterday, I felt the two year old split out for a moment as if I could talk to her. Of course that is scary and she went right back inside. It will be interesting to see what happens with her.
Daisy, (and Poet and others) hearing about your struggles with this makes me feel less ashamed and weak. And it gives me hope that there is somewhere to go with it. I always say I love my inner child, but I think of her as that pure, innocent being. I tend to avoid thinking of her as neglected and needy. sigh
I'm glad to hear how wonderful your T is, Daisy. And I know however hard this is, you will keep working on it. You inspire me.
Take care,
ggPS: maybe we can schedule a play date sometime. :)
Posted by gardenergirl on June 20, 2004, at 12:59:35
In reply to Re: Over Attachment Anxiety » daisym, posted by Dinah on June 17, 2004, at 10:27:33
Dinah,
I wrote a post to you last night on your thread about taking your parents to therapy. I don't know where it went either. Hmmmm.But I see now that you are moving forward tentatively on this. I wish you well with it. I know I am nowhere ready to consider asking my Mom to join me. I shudder just thinking about it. I know he has some idea of what it was like for me, but I'm not sure if he realizes how charming she can be socially. A lot of people do not have the same reaction to my mother that I do. That always makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.
I hope whatever you decide, you find it valuable for you.
gg
Posted by Dinah on June 20, 2004, at 13:25:57
In reply to missing post » Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on June 20, 2004, at 12:59:35
That's odd. It happens to me sometimes too, and I'm never sure if it disappeared entirely or ended up on one of the multitude of boards where people eye it with bewilderment.
One thing I don't need to worry about is my mother fooling my therapist into thinking I'm making it all up. The stranger in the hospital waiting room was right. She *can't* help being what she is. I know that's supposed to make it easier to be around her, but it hasn't worked that way yet.
I somehow get the feeling you don't think it's a great idea?
Posted by daisym on June 21, 2004, at 15:14:18
In reply to missing post » Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on June 20, 2004, at 12:59:35
GG --
I know exactly what you mean about people seeing your mom differently than you do. When my mom retired last year there were 700+ people at the party, each telling me what an exceptional woman she is.
And she is. But they look at her children and think she has a done a super job with us, while building her career because we are all doing pretty well, all married, all have kids, all have careers, etc. etc. (OK, there IS my sister but every family has a black sheep, right? And even she produced an intellectually gifted kid..) Sometimes I want to tell people that I raised my sibling when she was busy working!
I sometimes look at my mother and think all the problems are with me. I wanted (still do) stuff from her she isn't capable of giving. She is comfortable with who she is. I'm the one in therapy. What does that say?
Posted by fallsfall on June 21, 2004, at 16:04:33
In reply to Mothers » gardenergirl, posted by daisym on June 21, 2004, at 15:14:18
It says that you are willing to look at the truth.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 21, 2004, at 21:42:56
In reply to Re: Mothers » daisym, posted by fallsfall on June 21, 2004, at 16:04:33
Willing to look at the truth no matter how painful? Yes. But do THEY feel any pain at all? Is it worth it to look at the truth? Usually I say yes, but sometimes I wonder.
gg
This is the end of the thread.
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