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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by terrics on May 23, 2004, at 11:11:17
I'd like to know about others issues with abandonment. Mine are so strong I am sure they are out of line. I am so afraid this new T. will dump me that my whole body is shaking. I am not very exciting for a borderline, and I'm sure that because she is doing DBT she wants true borderlines for pts. I don't drink, drug, scream [since I am on lithium] or manipulate. I am modest[my clothes i mean] and quiet. I taught myself alot when I was dxd and realized how awful I was. I used to scream and was distructive. I do cut and she seems mad about that. I do not talk about it unless she brings it up. I took some klonopin cause I made myself crazy over thinking I will be dumped. terrics
Posted by toomuchpain on May 23, 2004, at 11:37:47
In reply to Does anyone want to talk about abandonment?, posted by terrics on May 23, 2004, at 11:11:17
i have am scard of my t now too cus my old t just dumped me and tryewd to use his power against me .. i dont want to be alone .. i kno i need therpy for my bp and panic disorder .. also for my cutting .. and my sucidal impules .. but i am not sure if it is abonandment or not i think it is .. i mean everyone in my life but my parnets and grandmother has walked out me and my ex t walked out on me and i relly cared about him .... so i just dont need no more ppl to walk out of life
Posted by rockymtnhi on May 23, 2004, at 12:45:11
In reply to Does anyone want to talk about abandonment?, posted by terrics on May 23, 2004, at 11:11:17
I have been struggling with this all of my life. I think that my T wants me to go away. I have thought recently about ending therapy because I am afraid of being rejected. My therapy has gone well and I am doing better, but I would like to go in once a month or so for support but I cannot bring myself to ask for it. So instead, I am thinking about pulling back altogether. In reality, I would like to say, "Please don't leave me."
Posted by Dinah on May 23, 2004, at 13:46:13
In reply to Does anyone want to talk about abandonment?, posted by terrics on May 23, 2004, at 11:11:17
As a DBT therapist, she should understand the fear of abandonment very well, and should be able to help you deal with your fears.
I know I don't need to tell you that it isn't your job to entertain your therapist. And that you "deserve" her services as much as anyone. I know that abandonment fears don't really respond well to logic or reassurances anyway. Or at least they don't for me.
I think my therapist has finally minimized my abandonment fears to about as low as they can realistically be. But it took years, a lot of patience on his part, and a lot of honesty on mine. Do you talk to your therapist about your fears?
(Oddly enough, I don't generally suffer from abandonment fears that much outside therapy. I think it's because I keep an emotional distance from most everything. My therapist is an exception that neither of us really understands.)
Posted by terrics on May 23, 2004, at 15:26:10
In reply to Re: Does anyone want to talk about abandonment? » terrics, posted by Dinah on May 23, 2004, at 13:46:13
Hi Dinah, I am having trouble adjusting to this new T. She uses alot of facial expressions and some do not seem nice. I also read M. Linehan's book and these Ts. use aversive type stuff to get us to do what we're supposed to do. I was way to attached to my old T. as she was to me. I made no headway with her though she was very supportive. If this one dumps me I won't know what to think. DO you think I should tell her that cancelling my 3rd appt. was very upsetting? You always seem to have good answers. terrics
Posted by terrics on May 23, 2004, at 15:27:24
In reply to Re: Does anyone want to talk about abandonment?, posted by terrics on May 23, 2004, at 15:26:10
Posted by Dinah on May 23, 2004, at 15:54:17
In reply to Re: Does anyone want to talk about abandonment?, posted by terrics on May 23, 2004, at 15:26:10
Linehan stresses that in order for DBT to work, there has to be a lot of validation and acceptance. That's what separates it from CBT. I don't think nastiness in manner or facial expressions would fall into the DBT guidelines.
Even the consequences for SI are limited, and not too punitive as she lays them out. You aren't supposed to contact your therapist outside therapy *after* SI, but can before. And you have to spend a fair amount of time going over the minutiae of why and what you felt and alternatives and things. I suppose that is enough to make you sometimes wonder if it's worth SI'ing, which may be the point. But I don't *think* there is supposed to be a lot of anger involved.
Yes, I would definitely mention it. I figure whatever is important enough that I don't want to talk about it, is probably important enough to talk about.
Posted by DaisyM on May 23, 2004, at 19:04:46
In reply to Re: Does anyone want to talk about abandonment? » terrics, posted by Dinah on May 23, 2004, at 15:54:17
terrics,
Would you say that you were able to form secure attachments in your childhood? There is a lot of evidence that children who were traumatized in one way or another often suffer from this fear. And I do mean suffer. It typically comes out as worrying that we are NOT doing enough to please whoever it is we don't want to leave us. Or, we hold everyone away because we *know* they are going to leave us.
The feeling usually makes me sick to my stomach. I can get twisted up about this issue really fast, if I think about my behavior in therapy too much or what I said. I do tell my Therapist how afraid I am to trust him this much and how painful it will be for me if he leaves me. He is willing to reassure me but often notes that the words probably don't make a difference, it is the consistency of him meeting my needs that will help.
I do think you should tell your new Therapist your fears. And I think you should talk about her cancelling affected you. It is highly unlikely that she is thinking that she can't help you or doesn't like you. More likely, she feels bad that you are still hurting yourself.
Please take care.
Posted by 64bowtie on May 24, 2004, at 12:22:24
In reply to Does anyone want to talk about abandonment?, posted by terrics on May 23, 2004, at 11:11:17
terric,
Please consider a goal. Seems like a small goal. It's difficult to hold an image of feeling abandoned when we feel we are "ENOUGH" to withstand.
Look around. Our primary caregiver is no longer responsible for our moment-by-moment survival. Yet they abandoned us sometime and we still remember the feelings.
When we feel overwhelmed, we can make a picture in our heads of what we look like when we are "ENOUGH" to withstand what ever is happenning to us. Quickly make ourselves into X-men characters if that works. Later let it be ourselves, since it is us all along. See the plan?
Practice, practice, practice. Its inside us to survive even the worst the world can offer. Practice seeing ourself as "ENOUGH" to survive, and later, thrive.
Folks working on "Wall Street" do this in their jobs all the time. Why can't we do it, toooo? We are worth it, toooo!
Rod
PS: no one told us what we were feeling was abandonment as much as we decided it was that. Now that we are able to see those crumby feelings for what they are, the next job is to extinguish them, so they stop blackmailing us.
You can do it. If I did, so can you.
Posted by terrics on May 26, 2004, at 16:38:33
In reply to Re: Does anyone want to talk about abandonment?, posted by DaisyM on May 23, 2004, at 19:04:46
Thank you all for your input. Dinah, I also do not experience abandonment outside of therapy. And yes we go over the SI tediously. At this point it is all we discuss. I wish I could lie and say I did not do it.
Daisy, My father died when I was 8 and was sick before that. My mother who was 28, pretty much lost her ability to do much. I guess we all get abandoned. My old T says it was a double dose.
P.S. New T. cancelled again with no offer of another day.
I start group next week. Maybe that will go better. The T. is not too bad. She made the faces on purpose; to point something out that I was saying. I miss old T. already. terrics
This is the end of the thread.
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