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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by holymama on May 4, 2004, at 17:42:55
It is really getting to me today!!! I just realized how much of my time, no, my life! that I have spent in depressions! It has to have added up to years by now. It is a beautifully gorgeeus day, and I know that, I can see it, but I can't FEEL it. I can't feel anything good. I have three beautiful, brilliant, curious children, and I have no energy to deal with them. I drive them to preschool and kindergarden, pick them up, come home, lie on the couch, cry, try to stay awake and feed them when they're hungry. THat's about it. I can't help them love life when I'm like this.
I know I'm complaining, but I can't help it. I need to get it out. I have been trying to take care of myself, for the past year I have been seeing a therapist, and a pdoc and now I'm on to my second pdoc and starting from scratch again with medication. I'm trying, I'm really trying, but I have to wait for these *^&%$#@ medications to start working and I need to try and hold myself together and not swear and not cry too much in front of the kids and try to hold it together in front of people to assure them I'm o.k. and I have to return 20 (literally) phone messages that are beeping, beeping, beeping on my answering machine, and I have to talk to my mother when she calls and assure her I'm o.k., not too bad today, I'm taking care of the kids allright, because otherwise she keeps calling back over and over again, and I feel like such a loser because I have fallen completely apart in front of the people that I love, my husband, my parents, my kids, my friends, and none of them trust me anymore, I have to reassure everyone that it's allright, and it's really not. I literally have to pray everyday that I can make it through the day, sometime I break it down into the hour. WHat a crappy way to feel. ANd I haven't always felt like this, I'm bipolar they say, and I certainly have felt on top of the world, I've felt so full of GOd that I couldn't contain it, I've felt ultimate contentment. I've gone for months without any depression without medication, and now I'm 30 and at such a low point in my life, it's hard to see that I will climb out or be stable. I'm sorry, I wonder if anyone will actually want to read such a depressing story or even be able to read to the end of this novel.
Posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 17:48:25
In reply to I am so #$%!**@ mad that I am depressed!, posted by holymama on May 4, 2004, at 17:42:55
i read to the end.
i don't have any advice, but i know how you're feeling. i'm at a similar point in my life. it's a horrible, horrible place to be, at the bottom. especially when you've experienced the highs of a manic episode--- the bottom just seems so much lower when you've seen the top, too.
i hope that your children and husband hug you often and show that they love you, because i'm sure they do. i hope that your meds kick in soon and help lift you out of this low spot.
remember that you're loved. that people are glad you're here. time passes, and brings you that much closer to, if not happiness, then contentment.
keep posting. we'll keep reading.
Posted by rainyday on May 4, 2004, at 18:57:15
In reply to I am so #$%!**@ mad that I am depressed!, posted by holymama on May 4, 2004, at 17:42:55
Oh, holymama I was in your exact spot last week. Unable to stop crying, scared witless that this will never end; that I'll be forever trying new medications and go through endless side effects; and that they won't work and we start the whole thing over again.
And slowly, the fog of despair and frustration lifts. I still don't trust glimpses of happiness when I see them, but I have to. This is my life right now.
I can't imagine what might have happened if I didn't find a p-doc and a therapist. It's such a long process - truly an art more than a science - and we are incredibly strong people to have come through what we have already.
Have faith. faith in your god, faith in your doctors, faith in the love of your family. Faith in the support you get from Babblers. We believe in you. You have helped so many of us - let us take our turn in helping you.
((((holymama))))
Posted by tabitha on May 5, 2004, at 1:03:48
In reply to I am so #$%!**@ mad that I am depressed!, posted by holymama on May 4, 2004, at 17:42:55
Yes, it's a huge injustice to lose time to depression. You've every right to be angry. It sounds like you are juggling a lot also, taking care of yourself, taking care of others, walking a line between scaring them and telling the truth, or whitewashing it.
But please don't worry about 'complaining' here. People need to talk about their pain and their struggles, it's just human. We're here to listen.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 5, 2004, at 5:47:04
In reply to Re: I am so #$%!**@ mad that I am depressed! » holymama, posted by tabitha on May 5, 2004, at 1:03:48
I don't know if your experience will be the same, but I have found that when I start to get angry about a symptom or trait that is something related to my depression, it is a good sign. It usually leads to me coping much better with it and feeling better. I don't know why I have to get angry and "wish it away" before I can get better. Maybe just expressing that wish helps me to realize it isn't going to go away on it's own. Maybe that helps with action???
Either way, I feel for you and wish you healing and strength.
gg
Posted by holymama on May 5, 2004, at 5:51:20
In reply to I am so #$%!**@ mad that I am depressed!, posted by holymama on May 4, 2004, at 17:42:55
Posted by noa on May 7, 2004, at 18:38:28
In reply to I am so #$%!**@ mad that I am depressed!, posted by holymama on May 4, 2004, at 17:42:55
Don't worry about "complaining". I know I needed to allow myself to be angry at my depression. It helped me to feel angry and say it. It does stink--depression. It robs and steals time and experiences and joy.
So, no prob--rage away at the best depression.
This is the end of the thread.
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