Posted by holymama on May 4, 2004, at 17:42:55
It is really getting to me today!!! I just realized how much of my time, no, my life! that I have spent in depressions! It has to have added up to years by now. It is a beautifully gorgeeus day, and I know that, I can see it, but I can't FEEL it. I can't feel anything good. I have three beautiful, brilliant, curious children, and I have no energy to deal with them. I drive them to preschool and kindergarden, pick them up, come home, lie on the couch, cry, try to stay awake and feed them when they're hungry. THat's about it. I can't help them love life when I'm like this.
I know I'm complaining, but I can't help it. I need to get it out. I have been trying to take care of myself, for the past year I have been seeing a therapist, and a pdoc and now I'm on to my second pdoc and starting from scratch again with medication. I'm trying, I'm really trying, but I have to wait for these *^&%$#@ medications to start working and I need to try and hold myself together and not swear and not cry too much in front of the kids and try to hold it together in front of people to assure them I'm o.k. and I have to return 20 (literally) phone messages that are beeping, beeping, beeping on my answering machine, and I have to talk to my mother when she calls and assure her I'm o.k., not too bad today, I'm taking care of the kids allright, because otherwise she keeps calling back over and over again, and I feel like such a loser because I have fallen completely apart in front of the people that I love, my husband, my parents, my kids, my friends, and none of them trust me anymore, I have to reassure everyone that it's allright, and it's really not. I literally have to pray everyday that I can make it through the day, sometime I break it down into the hour. WHat a crappy way to feel. ANd I haven't always felt like this, I'm bipolar they say, and I certainly have felt on top of the world, I've felt so full of GOd that I couldn't contain it, I've felt ultimate contentment. I've gone for months without any depression without medication, and now I'm 30 and at such a low point in my life, it's hard to see that I will climb out or be stable. I'm sorry, I wonder if anyone will actually want to read such a depressing story or even be able to read to the end of this novel.
poster:holymama
thread:343342
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040503/msgs/343342.html