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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by KindGirl on April 21, 2004, at 1:44:28
Anyone else deal with this? I am finding myself very jealous of any one seeing my t. I am spoiled because I see her right before lunch, so there is nobody after me, and most of the time there is nobody before me, but lately there is a girl before me and I find myself getting very angry right before my session (like 30 seconds before she opens the door) and then I get all flustered inside....what is with that?
I know In Session talks about this in that section where she says it is like you have to hurry and put your clothes on so someone else can "use" your therapist on YOUR couch and it does feel like that a lot.
I want to be as big to my T. as she is to me. She is in my thoughts constantly when I am not with her, and I know I am not in hers and that kills me. I want a mom so bad...I wish my t. was my mom and I could call her tonight and not worry about paying for the call or bugging her or not having a good reason for calling....but that is not what is going to happen and I am very sad tonight about all of this.
Also, I called her today and she didn't call me back and it is times like this when I am slammed in the face with the fact that I am a client who pays for her time and it makes me conclude that I mean nothing to her and she'll forget about me once I am gone. This is very immature thinking but what is real tonight.
Any thoughts or help for me? Thanks.
Posted by pegasus on April 21, 2004, at 11:49:40
In reply to I'm jealous of my t's other clients...., posted by KindGirl on April 21, 2004, at 1:44:28
Hi KindGirl,
I'm really sorry for your pain about this. I've been there myself. It does hurt, and it's confusing. I wish Ts would be more conscientious about that. I hope you'll tell her how it made you feel. It seems like something that it would be good to have an understanding about.
I used to always show up a tad late, so I wouldn't have to see the person before me. And then I'd usually leave early so I wouldn't have to see the person behind me. I always wished he could just stop existing when I wasn't in his office (unless, of course, I needed to call him!).
One thing that I noticed in your post was a bit of black or white thinking. Your therapist is either all yours, and will always call you back, or you mean nothing to her and she's only seeing you for the money. I bet it's somewhere in the middle in reality. Hopefully more toward the caring side!
I don't mean to excuse her not calling you back; that is always a really painful thing. And yet, I bet when you talk to her about it you'll find that there was some reasonable explanation, other than that you mean nothing to her. I bet you mean a lot to her. Maybe not as much as you'd *like* to mean to her, but a lot. So, that counts for something, right? I really deeply believe that most Ts care a lot about their clients. The fact that you pay does *not* mean that they don't care. It means that they care enough that they want to be able to afford to really be there for you. If you didn't pay, they wouldn't be able to afford a whole hour with you every week (or whatever it is).
pegasus
Posted by lonelygirl on April 21, 2004, at 12:36:32
In reply to Re: I'm jealous of my t's other clients...., posted by pegasus on April 21, 2004, at 11:49:40
> I really deeply believe that most Ts care a lot about their clients. The fact that you pay does *not* mean that they don't care. It means that they care enough that they want to be able to afford to really be there for you. If you didn't pay, they wouldn't be able to afford a whole hour with you every week (or whatever it is).
==========
That is a really nice way to look at it...I asked my psychologist once if he would still do his job if he won the lottery, and he said he would. He said that the fact that he does this for a living requires him to do it *all the time*, and maybe if he didn't have to, he would like to sleep in later sometimes, for example. But he would still want to do it.
Posted by pinkeye on April 21, 2004, at 12:57:22
In reply to Re: I'm jealous of my t's other clients.... » pegasus, posted by lonelygirl on April 21, 2004, at 12:36:32
My T is very very rich, he could retire if he wanted to.. but he still works. I don't think he does it for money.
And just because you pay, doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you. Think that it is a way of showing him that you care about him for all the care that he bestows upon you. You wouldn't be comfortable taking help from someone all the time without doing anything in return right?
Pinkeye.
Posted by shadows721 on April 21, 2004, at 12:58:11
In reply to I'm jealous of my t's other clients...., posted by KindGirl on April 21, 2004, at 1:44:28
This is a transference. You are projecting the unmet feelings from your mom on to the t. This is actually a good sign that your therapy is working. You are starting to have feelings of unmet needs surface to be worked through. I think the other girl represents some sort of competition in your mind. She is the "other person" in the t's life. Who does she really remind you of?
"I know In Session talks about this in that section where she says it is like you have to hurry and put your clothes on so someone else can "use" your therapist on YOUR couch and it does feel like that a lot."This is another transference. This is not really about your therapist. This has to do with a feeling of being used by someone in your past. It strikes me with a sexual tone to it - "putting back on clothes in a hurry". Again, what does this remind you of? It maybe buried so deep that it's in your subconscious now.
Don't take your feelings as a bad thing. You know deep down they are not realistic for this therapist. It is a projection of powerful needs that went unmet in your past.
Bring up these feelings in therapy and see what's really going on here. Once you work through this, you will see it didn't have anything to do with therapist. After all, you don't know anything about her personally and do not interact with her outside of therapy. Therefore, these feelings are a transference. Transference can be a powerful awakening of deep seated pain that is unresolved.
Posted by pegasus on April 21, 2004, at 13:36:15
In reply to Paying money does not mean he doesn't care., posted by pinkeye on April 21, 2004, at 12:57:22
That was great, pinkeye! I've heard discussions about how it's not good for the client to not be charge for therapy. Because it makes us make the decision that it's worth it. Otherwise, we might be able to kid ourselves that we can take it or leave it. And it becomes less of a commitment on our part. I believe that making that commitment is important. I wouldn't want to do it for free, because I'm just the type of person who would decide that it wasn't a big deal in that situation. But I do believe that it's worth a lot, and if I could I'd gladly pay much more for it, as a reflection of its importance in my life. And of my gratitude to my T.
pegasus
Posted by Dr. Bob on April 22, 2004, at 4:00:08
In reply to I'm jealous of my t's other clients...., posted by KindGirl on April 21, 2004, at 1:44:28
> I know In Session talks about this...
I'd just like to plug the double double quotes feature at this site:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#amazon
The first time anyone refers to a book without using this option, I post this to try to make sure he or she at least knows about it. It's just an option, though, and doesn't *have* to be used. If people *choose* not to use it, I'd be interested why not, but I'd like that redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20020918/msgs/7717.html
Thanks!
Bob
Posted by LG04 on April 24, 2004, at 16:00:51
In reply to Re: Paying money does not mean he doesn't care. » pinkeye, posted by pegasus on April 21, 2004, at 13:36:15
I am in a weird situation regarding this. I started group therapy a few months ago and my therapist told me that two of her other clients would be in my group. I spent several sessions trying to figure out which ones were her clients and finally just asked everyone! It's weird, especially because I am becoming friends with one of them. We talk about our therapist a little bit. The few times that things have come up for me regarding them (jealousy or discomfort, etc), I've talked to my therapist about it and it's helped.
Overall though it's been a positive experience for me because I have gotten to hear their thoughts about her and it's similar to my thoughts (that she's a wonderful therapist). And because I have grown to care about them, I am glad to know that they are in good hands.
Also I think I have grown very confident of my relationship with my therapist and the strong connection we have with each other so that I don't feel so competitive with her other clients.
However, I do notice that I still prefer not to see her other clients when they are coming or going. It's just an awkward situation.
Have you told your therapist about your jealousy and discomfort with seeing her clients? It might help to take away the power of your feelings about it. It's a very natural phenomenon and I'm sure it won't be the first time your therapist will have heard these kinds of feelings from a client.
LG
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