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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LG04 on April 20, 2004, at 14:43:48
Hi, I'm new to this board. I have been reading many threads and find so many things that I relate to. A few relevent sentences about myself:
I am 37 yrs. old, female, single, from the U.S. but living in Jerusalem, Israel for the past 3 years, diagnosed with PTSD after being sexually abused by dad for about 12 years (and uncle for a few years), probably have anxiety disorder too and attachment disorder, who knows what else. I have been in therapy for about 9 years in America and then the past two years here in Israel. I had 5 therapists during my time in America (the first one was emotionally abusive and later became the subject of a lawsuit that a client won...somehow I kept my faith in therapy and found another therapist).
So here's what I wanted to get feedback on:
I have never had a relationship like the one I have with my current therapist. I never had any kind of major transference with any of my therapists in America...I was always having intense transference with other people in my life and the focus was always there or on the incest or whatever else. But never on the relationship with the therapist.
It took me about 9 months to start to develop trust (and then transference) with my current therapist. Since then, I have had an incredibly intense relationship with her and am experiencing some amazing healing though it's very very painful at times. I am definitely dependent upon her, and we have discussed that a goal is for me to need to call her less, not because it's a burden to her (one of my core issues) but because it's not ideal for me.
The issue is, I am supposed to return to America this summer due to a 3-year teaching obligation there. We have been working within the knowledge all along that I'd be leaving. However, I think that if I presented a case to those who funded my education here, that I would be allowed to stay. (I was supposed to leave last summer but was in such a state of panic and chaos about leaving my therapist that I begged them and they gave me a year deferral...now I am considering asking them if I can do my teaching obligation here instead of there and I've been given an initial response of okay).
Is it okay to want to stay where I am because of my therapist and my therapy? Part of me wants to prove to myself that I can be okay without her. Another part of me is tired of feeling dependent on her and thinks that moving would be a surefast solution for getting over it (though probably very painful). I can't even imagine starting with a new therapist...I would constantly be comparing her and would miss her SO much. Rebuilding trust, having someone else get to know me this well, etc., etc. I have been thru SO much with this therapist...she really gets me and cares deeply for me, loves me. And I love her.
There are of course other, non-therapy related reasons why I would want to stay, and also why I would want to go. I am just trying to figure out how much weight I should give to therapy in making my decision. The work I do with her is amazing and I know I would continue to do some very important healing with her. I so much want to get married and I feel that my relationship with her is helping me to become a more emotionally available person and more capable of intimacy. Some days I feel that there is NO WAY IN HELL that I can or want to leave her and no matter what else is going on, I want to stay just because of that...and other days I feel that it shouldn't be the main factor of my decision.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
LG
Posted by LG04 on April 20, 2004, at 14:59:01
In reply to Introduction, and Should I stay or should I go?, posted by LG04 on April 20, 2004, at 14:43:48
I forgot to mention that I've talked about this whole thing with her many times...and with my friends too...but I am interested in the opinions of those like yourselves who are or have been deep in a therapeutic process with a therapist who is really helping you heal.
Posted by DaisyM on April 20, 2004, at 18:38:32
In reply to P.S., posted by LG04 on April 20, 2004, at 14:59:01
Wow, LG, such a complicated situation and such powerful emotions. I can only tell you that I totally relate to the push/pull of dependency, but this is my first and only time in therapy so I have as yet to "leave" a therapist. I have all the same issues you do so allowing myself to admit to being attached to my Therapist is really new and somehow healing and humiliating at the same time. I grew up with such a strong message of "stand on your own two feet" and "smart women figure things out for themselves" that when I let my Therapist get too close, I freak out.
I think the prevailing wisdom is that if therapy is working, don't mess with it. But it shouldn't be "your life". It should help you live your life. If you see that you will do that, by making the choice to stay, I think that is great. If you are giving up a great deal of your dreams, I think you have to look hard at those abandonment fears and see if you can work through them.
Bad timing stinks. I'm curious what your Therapist says.
Posted by fallsfall on April 20, 2004, at 21:28:30
In reply to Introduction, and Should I stay or should I go?, posted by LG04 on April 20, 2004, at 14:43:48
I guess that I feel that good therapy is important. But it is very true that I don't have a life - other than my depression. So I'm not sure how much weight I would give my opinions!
The other thing that struck me as I read your post is that while your current therapist is by far the best you have had, there isn't a reason to believe that you *couldn't* find another good therapist if you moved. I say this in particular because I think that now you know more about what you would want in a therapist (what orientation is the most helpful to you, what characteristics and attitudes work well with you). So I think that your chances of interviewing a number of therapists and choosing a good one are much higher now. Just because you had other therapists who weren't wonderful, doesn't mean that you can't find one who is.
I wouldn't want to leave my current therapist (I've been seeing him for 9 months), but I think that if, for some reason, I *had* to find a new therapist, that I could.
Definately a hard decision.
Posted by vwoolf on April 21, 2004, at 7:29:03
In reply to Re: Introduction, and Should I stay or should I go? » LG04, posted by fallsfall on April 20, 2004, at 21:28:30
Hi LG
Like you I was sexually abused by my alcoholic father for many years, and have been in therapy for PTSD several times including hospitalisation and ECT. One of my psychiatrists sexually molested me while I was going through a really bad phase which caused me to decide never to try therapy again. Yet here I am back in the thick of things in therapy - life just got too hard without it.
What I find this time around is that I am more mature and able to give more to the relationship. Although I think my therapist is very skilled and loving in handling me, I feel sure that even if I were to change I would be able to recreate a good working relationship with someone else (provided of course that it was a person of integrity and understanding). My feeling is that if you can do it with one person, you can do it again with another. Trust in yourself and your role in the process.
Posted by shadows721 on April 21, 2004, at 18:18:06
In reply to Introduction, and Should I stay or should I go?, posted by LG04 on April 20, 2004, at 14:43:48
I can understand your feelings. It's very hard to find a therapist in which you can trust. You risked opening up your heart to this therapist. You have major trust issues as all most all of us do with PTSD.
Have you thought about having on the phone sessions with this therapist? You may not have to give her up in another country. Therapists can do phone therapy. It may not work as great as one to one, but you can still have your contact with her. This may also help you see if you really are that dependent on her.
Also, since you have had such a great therapeutic relationship with this therapist, there is absolutely no reason why you couldn't have it again with someone else. No, they aren't the same, but they may give you some other benefit. Even though, I have had 3 therapists in the past, I have gained a different perspective of therapy from each one.
It's not an all or nothing situation here. You selected her and you can select another for yourself. You are more independent than you realize here. You aren't giving yourself the credit. You choose her and not the other way around. You can choose again and do well with another should you choose to do it again. You have more choices here than you realize.
Posted by LG04 on April 24, 2004, at 15:50:33
In reply to Re: Introduction, and Should I stay or should I go?, posted by shadows721 on April 21, 2004, at 18:18:06
Thank you everyone for your input, it was helpful to me. I've been obsessed with this decision and have decided for many reasons that I want to stay here. One of the reasons is my therapy but it's not the only reason. Now I have to see if the powers that be will let me. I have a meeting with one of the directors tomorrow to try to make it happen.
Thanks again.
LG
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