Posted by LG04 on April 20, 2004, at 14:43:48
Hi, I'm new to this board. I have been reading many threads and find so many things that I relate to. A few relevent sentences about myself:
I am 37 yrs. old, female, single, from the U.S. but living in Jerusalem, Israel for the past 3 years, diagnosed with PTSD after being sexually abused by dad for about 12 years (and uncle for a few years), probably have anxiety disorder too and attachment disorder, who knows what else. I have been in therapy for about 9 years in America and then the past two years here in Israel. I had 5 therapists during my time in America (the first one was emotionally abusive and later became the subject of a lawsuit that a client won...somehow I kept my faith in therapy and found another therapist).
So here's what I wanted to get feedback on:
I have never had a relationship like the one I have with my current therapist. I never had any kind of major transference with any of my therapists in America...I was always having intense transference with other people in my life and the focus was always there or on the incest or whatever else. But never on the relationship with the therapist.
It took me about 9 months to start to develop trust (and then transference) with my current therapist. Since then, I have had an incredibly intense relationship with her and am experiencing some amazing healing though it's very very painful at times. I am definitely dependent upon her, and we have discussed that a goal is for me to need to call her less, not because it's a burden to her (one of my core issues) but because it's not ideal for me.
The issue is, I am supposed to return to America this summer due to a 3-year teaching obligation there. We have been working within the knowledge all along that I'd be leaving. However, I think that if I presented a case to those who funded my education here, that I would be allowed to stay. (I was supposed to leave last summer but was in such a state of panic and chaos about leaving my therapist that I begged them and they gave me a year deferral...now I am considering asking them if I can do my teaching obligation here instead of there and I've been given an initial response of okay).
Is it okay to want to stay where I am because of my therapist and my therapy? Part of me wants to prove to myself that I can be okay without her. Another part of me is tired of feeling dependent on her and thinks that moving would be a surefast solution for getting over it (though probably very painful). I can't even imagine starting with a new therapist...I would constantly be comparing her and would miss her SO much. Rebuilding trust, having someone else get to know me this well, etc., etc. I have been thru SO much with this therapist...she really gets me and cares deeply for me, loves me. And I love her.
There are of course other, non-therapy related reasons why I would want to stay, and also why I would want to go. I am just trying to figure out how much weight I should give to therapy in making my decision. The work I do with her is amazing and I know I would continue to do some very important healing with her. I so much want to get married and I feel that my relationship with her is helping me to become a more emotionally available person and more capable of intimacy. Some days I feel that there is NO WAY IN HELL that I can or want to leave her and no matter what else is going on, I want to stay just because of that...and other days I feel that it shouldn't be the main factor of my decision.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
LG
poster:LG04
thread:338142
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040419/msgs/338142.html