![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crushedout on April 19, 2004, at 6:24:46
I called the new T to reschedule but then decided against it, because I didn't want to wait. (I was very torn and indecisive about this.)So I'm seeing the new T in two hours; then I see Ellen a few hours after that. I'm feeling like I don't want to tell Ellen at all but I'm not sure what that's about. I got very depressed yesterday after a really good week, mainly I think because my neighbor was *extremely* rude to me for no apparent reason, which I know seems extremely trivial but it caught me so off guard, it just kind of devastated me.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 19, 2004, at 8:14:39
In reply to I have my consultation today, posted by crushedout on April 19, 2004, at 6:24:46
Crushed,
Glad you didn't reschedule! You owe it to yourself to explore all of your options. PLEase update us on what happens.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 19, 2004, at 8:50:06
In reply to Re: I have my consultation today, posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 19, 2004, at 8:14:39
Posted by Speaker on April 19, 2004, at 9:09:29
In reply to Re: I have my consultation today, posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 19, 2004, at 8:14:39
Posted by Dinah on April 19, 2004, at 9:10:08
In reply to I have my consultation today, posted by crushedout on April 19, 2004, at 6:24:46
Posted by pegasus on April 19, 2004, at 13:39:34
In reply to I have my consultation today, posted by crushedout on April 19, 2004, at 6:24:46
Posted by fallsfall on April 19, 2004, at 13:52:38
In reply to I have my consultation today, posted by crushedout on April 19, 2004, at 6:24:46
Wow, Crushed. This will be quite a day.
I wish you strength, openness, and clarity.
Let us know what happens.
Falls.
Posted by crushedout on April 19, 2004, at 15:12:56
In reply to Re: I have my consultation today » crushedout, posted by fallsfall on April 19, 2004, at 13:52:38
Well, the consultation was pretty good. I really liked her. She was very kind, nonjudgmental and she seemed perceptive and smart. She asked me what I wanted to get out of the session, though, and that stumped me. I told her it wouldn't be helpful to me if she judged my therapist, because then I would find it harder to talk to her about it. She understood that completely. We actually spent a lot of the time talking about my mother, and stuff from when I was a kid. It was interesting. I got some useful insights which I need to write down for myself.
I found it was a lot easier to tell her about what exactly I was longing for with my T than it is to talk to my T about it, but it was still hard. I still felt kind of embarrassed. But then, I guess I had just met her, so that's natural. Also, it's embarrassing stuff.
Then I had my appointment with Ellen a few hours later (I sunbathed in between, since the two offices were close to each other and nowhere near my house). Although the new T and I decided it would be better if I told Ellen about the session, and I had decided to do so, I didn't manage to get around to it. We ended up talking about other stuff that was bothering me, but not about "our relationship," either (which kind of surprised me since she insisted we do that last week -- she's unpredictable, that Ellen). I found the session really helpful, actually, but it felt kind of like two different "me"s went to two different therapy sessions with two different therapists today. It all seemed very disjointed.
At the end of the session with Ellen, I made clear to her that there was something I had wanted to talk to her about but that it wasn't the sort of thing I wanted to bring up at the end and then leave immediately. So she suggested I bring it up at the beginning of the session when I see her on Thursday. So I guess I'll tell her then. Maybe it's better this way, because it gives me time to mull things over.
I don't know whether I will see the new T again. We left things completely up in the air.
I'm kind of feeling like, "Now what?"
Thanks for all the warm thoughts today.
Posted by Dinah on April 19, 2004, at 17:30:44
In reply to everything went fine, posted by crushedout on April 19, 2004, at 15:12:56
And that you're taking the time to process this thoroughly. I congratulate you on that. I tend to want to do everything NOW. I think it's a terrific quality to be able to sit on things and consider them fully.
Posted by fallsfall on April 19, 2004, at 21:37:04
In reply to everything went fine, posted by crushedout on April 19, 2004, at 15:12:56
I'm glad the day went well for you. Lots of times when there is a lot that goes on in a session I have much more perspective on it after a night's sleep.
I'll be interested to hear what you are thinking.
Posted by crushedout on April 19, 2004, at 22:56:35
In reply to Re: everything went fine » crushedout, posted by fallsfall on April 19, 2004, at 21:37:04
I guess I'm feeling like I want to tell Ellen the stuff I told the other T today, and I'm hoping that telling T2 will give me the courage to tell Ellen. I have the feeling that if I can just be open with Ellen about my feelings for her -- I mean, not just telling her I have feelings, but really *talking* about them, as much as I need to -- that Ellen and I can work things out. And somehow having told T2 my feelings makes me think it might be easier to finally really tell Ellen. The problem is that I've thought I'd worked up the courage to do it before, and I always chicken out.
T2 said she thought Ellen and I had reached an impasse (I agreed) and suggested that Ellen and I go to a consultation *together*. I feel scared to bring up that subject. That seems really weird. But it's an interesting idea.
It's good to know that T2 is there if things don't work the way I want them to with Ellen. She seemed like she could be realy good. And it was such a relief to talk to someone who was likeable and caring but who I don't feel in love with. If I do ever decide to start therapy with her, though, we're going to have to come up with a strategy for heading my crush off at the pass, because I don't want this to happen this way again.
Posted by fallsfall on April 20, 2004, at 6:49:31
In reply to some thoughts after a nap and journalling » fallsfall, posted by crushedout on April 19, 2004, at 22:56:35
Wonderful.
A joint consultation was recommended to me by one of the therapists I interviewed (and she gave me a name of someone to go to - it happened to be my old group therapist!!!). At that point, it was just too late for me, I was too hurt and too far along in the "choose a new therapist" path. I never asked her if she would do that with me. I found it a scary thought.
If you can be completely open and honest with Ellen, I think that you could learn a lot.
It sounds like you have gained the same feeling after your consultation that I did after mine - that there IS a possibility that another therapist could meet your needs. That let me feel like I had options. That I could leave my therapist and actually survive. That was incredibly empowering for me.
I chose my current therapist in part because he wasn't as warm and enveloping as my other choice. I didn't want to end up in the same dependency hole with him. The detachment that I brought to the new therapy relationship was good. I'm still incredibly dependent on him (after 9 months), but I have a little more conscious distance. Also, he handles my dependency so differently than she did (she reduced sessions, he increases them) - and I find that my yearning is much more managable this way. I ended up in the same transference bind with him, but he handled it differently and we could work through it (boy was it nice to see the other side after being there!) So, yes, it it is possible to enter a new therapy relationship and work to minimize problems that you have seen before.
Just please watch boundaries with Ellen. If she doesn't seem to be able to maintain them, point this out to her. And if it continues to be a problem, then you probably would need to leave (but now you have a place to go - and that helps).
Posted by terrics on April 20, 2004, at 7:42:47
In reply to some thoughts after a nap and journalling » fallsfall, posted by crushedout on April 19, 2004, at 22:56:35
So glad you have a back up. Also, it is wise of you to think ahead and want to ward off falling in love with T2. Good luck. terrics
Posted by crushedout on April 20, 2004, at 15:06:01
In reply to Re: some thoughts after a nap and journalling » crushedout, posted by fallsfall on April 20, 2004, at 6:49:31
do you think that the fact that ellen wanted to run over 45 minutes in our second session last week was problematic boundary-wise?
Posted by fallsfall on April 20, 2004, at 18:02:22
In reply to boundaries » fallsfall, posted by crushedout on April 20, 2004, at 15:06:01
Yes, I would consider that a boundary violation. But it does seem to be acceptable to run over if circumstances are usual. The times when it has made sense to me were times when I was suicidal and my therapist ran over in order to get me to agree to call her before hurting myself.
It *could* be argued that because of the tenuousness of the relationship that this *was* an unusual circumstance. Things that put therapy in jeopardy (which includes having the client quit) do have a high priority in therapy. If the client doesn't come to therapy, then therapy can't accomplish anything.
45 minutes, though, seems like more than a session "overrun". And it sounds like she sort of planned to do it that way. If that was the case, then she should have asked if you wanted to do a double session, and she should have charged you for it.
That's my opinion, anyway. I wouldn't leave just because of a single long session. I think that you need to watch out more for her telling you that she *needs* you to stay, or other expressions of her affection.
I'd be interested in what other people think.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.