![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Karen_kay on March 30, 2004, at 12:49:16
About not helping the homeless as much as I felt I should have. And I thought Bubba was going to drop dead. I've never cried in therapy. And people were saying they would have taken them out for food and I cried harder. Or that they would have ignored them, and I cried more. It broke my heart. I did leave food for people. And if some asked for smokes, I gave. And I gave bus tickets. But, I still don't feel that I did enough. (And I've been to cities before, and it's just not affected me this much, but I've never not given money before) But, people were saying that they didn't always trust homeless, that some were hustlers and that hurt. I don't care if I give money to people who in turn buy liquor. Firstly, I don't assume they would. And secondly, I don't care if they do. They need it more than I do. I would give to help them. And I didn't. And that's what's hurting me right now.
Then, someone said, "Why do you think it hurts you so much?" And I said, "Bubba, what do you think?" He said, "I think it comes from your need to be taken care of." Everyone kept saying that I didn't need to give money to help them though. That I could have done other things. And that hurts too, because I felt so bad for not giving them money that I didn't talk to them. It stil hurts, but I'm not crying, as long as I don't think about it too much. Everyone says "When you are in a position to help, you will" BUT aren't I? I have more than they do. Things like this just really get to me. They really do. Any help in this would be appreciated. But, I honestly don't want it to not affect me either, as I don't want to lose my empathy either. Does it effect anyone else this much? I just feel really guilty and helpless sometimes.
Posted by Pfinstegg on March 30, 2004, at 13:01:05
In reply to I cried today, posted by Karen_kay on March 30, 2004, at 12:49:16
Even though feeling that much empathy was very painful, it's also the most human and wonderful part of you. Beginning to cry with your T is such a good step, too- you are feeling deeply for yourself as well as others. I think you are headed in the direction of health, joy and fulfillment in life. Cheering you on...
Pfinstegg
Posted by tinydancer on March 30, 2004, at 15:06:47
In reply to I cried today, posted by Karen_kay on March 30, 2004, at 12:49:16
Karen, I really empathize with you here because of the fact I also suffer from paralyzing empathy and also, being a non-crier. If I cry, people start to freak out.
The group session sounds incredibly promising though. I would have lashed out at the person who made that underhand comment about taking the homeless out to eat. Nasty! People can get so defensive in group....
I understand your grieving about the homeless people really well. I think that it must be incredibly painful because no one is there to validate your feelings about it. I am in a position where I am constantly wanting to help other people-financially and emotionally-but I'm actually really poor and live off sick leave pay. And the idea of me being able to help anyone emotionally is a hilarious joke, I'm so wrung out with social anxiety that it would take a cupful of Valium to get me out the door in the first place. But that doesn't stop me from feeling this very strong desire to help and take care of the weak.
I like what Bubba said. Does it bother you that your deep empathy could be only a reflection of your own deepest unmet needs? But I don't think its as simple as that. Don't you think part of empathy is simply being a finely tuned person...Being able to sense things a lot of other people don't sense...Feeling the atmosphere, the vibrations around you (Am I getting too new age on you??) and sensing the pain of others because of your hypersensitivity to your own condition? To me, this is often a gift. It can also be very painful, when things like what happened to you with the homeless happened.
I understand your point of view here, and I want you to stop trying to validate how you feel-I think when you let go of trying to control or dictate your inner feelings and soul (being an empathic person who cares deeply and feels deeply) you might be able to take a deep breath and relax somewhat in the knowledge that being empathetic is a good thing.Lord knows that I've experienced how awful it can be...Nights spent crying and paralyzed because of some ARTICLE I read....Bursting out into tears on the street and sobbing for a mother getting out of the car and following her young blind son to the store....It makes you feel sometimes so angry, to be so vulnerable...But there is also beauty in that...I feel that way, anyway...I can see something that not everyone can see....Try to remember that.
And that you will NEVER run out of chances to help people or make a difference.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 30, 2004, at 15:21:54
In reply to Re: I cried today » Karen_kay, posted by tinydancer on March 30, 2004, at 15:06:47
KAren,
Bean has banned me from watching the evening news because it bothers me so much, because I get scared out of my mind and depressed about all of the suffering in the world when I have it so good.
I wish I could say something to help you, to rationally figure this out, but I can't. Empathy is a wonderful, yet many times, tortuous trait.
Posted by Dinah on March 30, 2004, at 20:46:35
In reply to I cried today, posted by Karen_kay on March 30, 2004, at 12:49:16
Awww, Sweetie. You shouldn't change an inch.
But I also don't think you should torture yourself by feeling guilty.
So I'm stuck. :(
Was there any redeeming qualities to Group this week? Do you think you might grow to like it?
Posted by justyourlaugh on March 30, 2004, at 21:45:12
In reply to I cried today, posted by Karen_kay on March 30, 2004, at 12:49:16
kk,
you are so compassionate..
i think this means you are on a much higher plain than most..you can feel their pain as if it is your own..
do only what you can, or want to..
i dont think posters wanted to be cruel,
maybe they are afraid to feel..or get to close.
you are someone that knows how the "real" world works..dont ever lose that..
j
Posted by All Done on March 31, 2004, at 1:04:10
In reply to I cried today, posted by Karen_kay on March 30, 2004, at 12:49:16
(((Karen))),
You’ve helped many people. Take a look at what you have done instead of what you haven’t and be proud of yourself for doing what you could, when you could. You are a kind, warm, loving, empathetic person, but you can’t save the world overnight. Give yourself a few days ;).
And start listening to Bubba, okay? People (probably you once or twice) always tell me that if I don’t take care of myself first, I won’t be able to take care of my little guy in the best way I can and should. Same goes for you and helping the homeless people, Babblers, family, and friends. The key is taking care of yourself first. Don’t get me wrong, everyone should surround themselves with good, supportive people, but in the end, you have to learn to take care of yourself. And trust me, you CAN do it and it will feel good when you do it. Sometimes, it’s just hard to do it.
Take care and quit beating yourself up.
All Done
Posted by Karen_kay on March 31, 2004, at 7:52:54
In reply to Re: I cried today » Karen_kay, posted by Pfinstegg on March 30, 2004, at 13:01:05
Thank you. I guess that I've always had this in me, and that's why I want to creat documentaries, to "teach" others empathy. I just feel like my "gift" is getting worse. Or maybe I'll fail and not be able to teach it to others? I'm a sucker.... Thank you though, I do appreciate your kind words. Thinking of calling Bubba for an individual appointment so maybe he'll be able to make me feel better. I still feel bad for not helping those particular people. You know? I love being this way, but sometimes it honestly hurts me too in that I know I can't do everything I want. I suppose it's about learning my own capabilities? Or maybe it's learning that I don't have them (boundaries, that is, that I can do ANYTHING!!! SEE!!! I get stuck in this positive thought pattern and then it knocks me on my ass at times, and it really hurts when it does!) That's my problem!
Posted by Karen_kay on March 31, 2004, at 8:00:13
In reply to Re: I cried today » Karen_kay, posted by tinydancer on March 30, 2004, at 15:06:47
I cried louder when they said they would have taken them to lunch because I honestly didn't think to do that. And I cried because I was surrounded by such lovely people. And it made me hurt because I felt ugly. And I just hate feeling ugly.
I think that the group did a good (no, wonderful job) of validating my feelings. They were so supportive and turned the whole session into one about me. And it was so sweet, which just made it even worse, as I didn't want it to be all about me. I'd like to send them thank you cards, but I don't know their names. And I just feel worse, as I wasn't supportive of their needs either. They were having a rough time before I talked about my problem.
Thank you for validating my feelings. I do appreciate it. And it's good to hear that many others (actually everyone else) is affected by the homeless.
Posted by Karen_kay on March 31, 2004, at 8:04:15
In reply to Re: I cried today, posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 30, 2004, at 15:21:54
my friend gave me a statue carved out of wood once called a crying buddha. it cries for all the misfortune in the world, so that you don't have to. It worked, until my dog chewed on it. And miss honey, oh how i cried! So, now I still cry. If you believe in symbolic things like that, it may work for you. and it's rather beautiful as well.... thank you dear. the sad thing is that i want to use my empathy to teach it. I think it is my finest gift. And if I can teach my old man empathy (he's my test, you know), I can teach it through film! Try the Crying Buddha doll, and see what happens.
Posted by Karen_kay on March 31, 2004, at 8:08:10
In reply to Re: I cried today » Karen_kay, posted by Dinah on March 30, 2004, at 20:46:35
And I even brought them bagels. Didn't feed the homeless but I fed them. One step at a time, I guess :) I am liking it better. They really were great. Still thinking of calling Bubba for a session though. I need to hear something so I can put these guilt feeling behind me. I can't beat myself up anymore. I can't go back and help those people. And I need to hear something that will help. And it's been too long ago to still be affecting me the way it is. Perhaps jsut a phone call will work? I just don't want to go back next week crying about this again, you know?
Posted by Karen_kay on March 31, 2004, at 8:16:28
In reply to Re: I cried today » Karen_kay, posted by justyourlaugh on March 30, 2004, at 21:45:12
Oh, I know that posters didn't mean to sound cruel, I didn't think they sounded that way either. Everyone has an opinion and is entitled to it. And I don't think either side is wrong or right. Sometimes I cry when people make comments, but only because I think it could be me on the streets and I'd hate for someone to look at me and say something like that, as I'm a good girl, you know? And they are good people too. Isn't everyone a good person? I think that everyone is a good person. Everyone says I'm naive because I HONESTLY believe that everyone IS truly a good person, but I don't care. It's true. I think that everyone really has the best intentions at heart. We don't know what people are thinking when they do things. But I know that everyone has a good heart. And I prefer to think that people in this world have the best intentions. (How's that for positive talk? :)
And I'm a person, and deserve compassion. I just feel it in my heart when I see someone who needs something that I can't give. JYL, thank you so much. You said all the right things, and I fear you won't read this.
Posted by Karen_kay on March 31, 2004, at 8:24:50
In reply to Re: I cried today » Karen_kay, posted by All Done on March 31, 2004, at 1:04:10
But, I honestly feel that I am taking care of myself when I'm helping others. Perhaps that nurturing cancer trait? I know that I've felt so much better since posting at babble, but at the same time, I also feel that when the board goes through it's mood shift, I too start to feel down. If I don't feel I'm doing enough to help people, I beat myself up. I don't look at it like "Well, I've helped him or her" it's more like "You didn't help him or her"....
It's raining here again! Can you believe it? Perhaps the weather knows my mood? I just think that I don't have limits in my own capabilities. I KNOW I can help everyone in one way or another. And I didn't in that case. And it hurts. I need to find a way to convince myself that I did. Perhaps by almost crying when I told them I didn't have any money (and my friends said "You don't have to tell them you don't have any money, jsut keep walking" How rude is that??) let them know that I wanted to help but couldn't? Maybe I'll just call Bubba or wait it out a few more days.. Or resolve to make a difference? First woman president to end world hunger? How's that sound? I do rather like the ring to that :)
Posted by Joslynn on April 1, 2004, at 8:42:13
In reply to Re: I cried today » All Done, posted by Karen_kay on March 31, 2004, at 8:24:50
I used to live where I would walk by people sleeping on the streets. It was hard to see. One good thing I've heard a couple times is that when we feel overwhelmed by the state of the world, we should pick one manageable chunk where we can help. It can seem too big to look at all the vast problems of the world.
What I mean is, we can't help all the homeless people, but can each one of us help one child learn to read so they can get a job later in life and not be homeless? That is just one idea as an example. If I take a little piece of it and help that way...
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.