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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by KindGirl on February 28, 2004, at 22:08:02
I know that there are cycles in therapy....but right now I am wanting to push her away...to quit therapy. To go back to the way I used to be. I started therapy to get some strength in fighting my parents (abusers) and to get some coping skills to get through life. THAT WAS IT.
I was NOT looking for a relationship, and certainly not an intimate one at that. WHAT IS THIS? This is not what I want!!!!!I have a lifetime of abandonment and neglect and have survived now for 40 years all by myself, thank you very much. I am married, have kids, function well at my job, am a good friend...but let anyone inside the "inner chamber"? HECK NO.
My T. says what my work in therapy is relationship. To develop a relationship with her where I can trust her and know she is here for me no matter what...that she is not going to leave...blah blah blah.
But right now I am sick about all of this. I think about her all the time. What would she say to me about this? About that? It is almost an obsession and I am way way way way freaked out about it. I miss her constantly and there is nothing I can do to ease the pain. Yes she says to call her between sessions...but you know how it is....I leave a message on her voice mail and she gets back to me the same day...maybe in an hour, maybe in 4. One time I called her and she didn't call back until the next day (it was a weekend and God forbid she has a life outside of ME!).
Why am I pushing her away? Why do I want to quit? Why can't I just get a book on how to get through life and be done with all of this? Do you guys ever go through this? Is my T. right in that I need relationship? How did any of you cope with the shock of what your therapy actually was? I am having a very very hard time tonight and any help is greatly appreciated.
Posted by Asya on February 29, 2004, at 0:26:19
In reply to Why am I wanting to push my T. away right now?, posted by KindGirl on February 28, 2004, at 22:08:02
KindGirl
I can totally relate to at least a portion of what you're going through. I, too, feel like, I NEVER asked for THIS--all this obsession and missing her and wanting her to be a real part of my life--in a way, I almost wish I had never met her so I don't have to suffer the inevitable pain of losing her.But, hang in there. A good coping strategy begins with this simple adage: don't fight it. Let the obsessive, painful thoughts of missing her come. Don't resist them. Think about her and bask in the warmth of fuzziness of it all. This is FINE. You are pernitted to become attached to her and feel like you need her.
When you ask yourself what she would think of this or that, notice if, in your head, she answers. As you start to pay more attention to when you think of her, how she might answer, and what you need her advice/opinions and help on, a magical thing will start to happen: you'll start to trust yourself more, have more insight.
When you miss her and can't speak with her, a good exercise is to write her a letter, just write, gush. You never have to give it to her, but it gives the sense of communicating with her.
Remember that when therapy seems tough is usually when its working and that you have started to do something you've never been allowed to do freely and wihout fear before in your life- develop a trusting, caring relationship. Let it happen, bask in it, enjoy it. She wants to help you, she is there for you, and there is nothing to be afraid of. Above all, know you have support here and that there are lots of others experiencing what you are. I miss my T so much today, for example. I hope this helped and take care, keep posting....
Posted by tinydancer on February 29, 2004, at 2:28:31
In reply to Why am I wanting to push my T. away right now?, posted by KindGirl on February 28, 2004, at 22:08:02
I have gone through this phase too and remember how confusing it was. I wished that I had never opened Pandora's box. The only thing that helps me is to trust in the choices I made. It is too late to go back and revoke the things I have told.
I was recently in a phase now where I felt anger at my T because he can just sit there and give me a bunch of no's. No, you can't have a hug, you can't have me, no no no! It seems so easy. We have talked about this though, and I understand better his standpoint.
But it is so hard to feel like you invest so much in a sort of one sided relationship. Ah, the woes of therapy....
Posted by Dinah on February 29, 2004, at 8:54:07
In reply to Why am I wanting to push my T. away right now?, posted by KindGirl on February 28, 2004, at 22:08:02
I think it goes in cycles. I'm tending to want to push mine away right now too. He's suddenly seeming like all the other people in my life, my husband, my parents. Maybe even worse because I have a better idea of how to please them. It feels like he's being randomly angry and I don't know how to stop it. It may be a misperception on my part, but I just want to stay away from him and avoid the hassle. I can get that for free. I just have to visit my parents, or stay at home.
But I know that when I'm feeling really upset again, I'll turn to him and want to see him. Because that's what he's best at, calming me down.
Don't you find the same thing to be true of most of your relationships? At least the ones in which you have emotional engagement?
Posted by KindGirl on February 29, 2004, at 10:06:42
In reply to Re: Why am I wanting to push my T. away right now? » KindGirl, posted by Dinah on February 29, 2004, at 8:54:07
Thanks you guys...I did write my T. a letter last night I may or may not read to her next week. I am just sick of all of this. I fear I am going further and further into depression and nobody in my immediate life has a CLUE. All they want is me to take care of everything like I always do. If I told my hubby how I REALLy feel he would say, "therapy doesn't seem to be working".....UGH. But thanks for the ideas...they are all good and affirming.
Posted by shortelise on February 29, 2004, at 13:24:28
In reply to Re: Why am I wanting to push my T. away right now?, posted by KindGirl on February 29, 2004, at 10:06:42
What you describe I also experience. It's when I am talking through things that are hard to talk about, approaching the stuff that shakes me up. It's fight or flight, for me. My life feels threatened, when in fact it's my defenses that are threatened, defenses that have kept me "alive" so far. That's the stuff that helps me to change, helps me feel better in the long run.
I was thinking yesterday about people I know how have gone to therapy a few times and then quit. It made me realize anew how hard therapy is, and how much courage it can take to stick with it.
At some point therapy became like a mystery, a book I can't put down until I get to the last page. It's turned out to be a little longer than I expected.It's really hard.
Take care.
ShortE
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