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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by thewriteone on January 28, 2004, at 14:47:10
I lurk here more often than not. Some of you guys seemed to have developed this bond I haven't been able to, but a lot of what you say sounds like things that echo in my own head.
That said, awhile back I posted about having to leave therapy. I'm moving and I've been in therapy for more than two years. I'm VERY attached to my therapist and have experienced maternal transference with her. We've discussed it and she considers it to be a positive thing. Hearing some of your horror stories, that makes me even more sad about losing her.
I had actually thought my last session was going to be two weeks ago, but I was delayed in moving. Monday will be my last session for sure and I am absolutely beside myself with grief. My T has been very supportive. I asked her before when I thought I wouldn't be coming back if she would bring me something that belonged to her, a photograph or something. She immediately thought of something and said she would bring it the next week. She also told me to bring a camera and take a picture. The following week she did bring me something of hers and I took a couple pics of her.
That helped a lot, but I swear, I hate the way I feel about losing her. I want to say, "Please don't leave" except she's not the one leaving. I burst into tears seemingly for no reason, but I know it's because I don't want to lose her. While I don't think we've been able to "finish" the work we're doing, I don't know that it would get any easier later to lose her. It almost feels like she's dying, at least to me because I won't have access to her anymore. I feel horrible saying that, but it's an honest statement.
So Monday I go in for our last session and I don't know what to say or how to act or if I'll just completely fall apart. I want to get a card for her, but I'm not sure I could even come up with words to convey what I want to say to her.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 28, 2004, at 17:31:13
In reply to Last session with my T (rather long), posted by thewriteone on January 28, 2004, at 14:47:10
This sounds so difficult. Terminating is always a loss even if it is planned and appropriately the end of therapy. In your case, it's related to moving, so of course it would be harder...you don't feel finished!
Your T sounds very understanding and empathic. I like the ideas of sharing something of hers and taking a picture. But please also allow yourself to grieve this loss. It is a significant loss of an important relationship.
Please take extra care of yourself in this time. Moving is stressful enough and you need to nurture yourself through it.
Are you planning to begin therapy with another T in your new location? Perhaps you can process your grief about terminating with your current T with a new one. Or keep posting here. You are more than welcome to seek our support!
Take care,
gg
Posted by pegasus on January 28, 2004, at 18:58:30
In reply to Last session with my T (rather long), posted by thewriteone on January 28, 2004, at 14:47:10
I'm so sorry this is upsetting you so much. I can relate, having lost my therapist recently to a move (his, not mine). I don't know how it will be for you to say goodbye to your T, but I can tell you that for me, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I'm definitely grieving, and sometimes it's just so frustrating not to have him here anymore that I get pretty upset. But I thought I would completely fall apart, and I didn't. I don't know if this will help, but here are some things that helped me:
- We made a plan that I could still email or call him after he was gone, at least until I got established with another T.
- I made a plan for specific things I would do to honor our relationship after he left (books I'd read, places I'd go)
- I decided that the best I could do to prepare for a good last session was to have a clear intention of it being good. So I pictured how I wanted it to be, and went in with that image in my mind.
- I made a list of things that seemed important to say at the end, and then made sure I said them all.I hope some of this might help. Also, really do consider finding another therapist at your new location. I'm finding that having someone else to talk to, even though it seemed awful at first, is helping a lot.
good luck and hugs
-p
Posted by Speaker on January 28, 2004, at 19:35:39
In reply to Re: Last session with my T (rather long), posted by pegasus on January 28, 2004, at 18:58:30
I had my last session in Dec. with a T I had been with for 8 yrs. For me the anticipation of the last session was worst than the actual session. I took him a gift and to my surprise he gave me a gift too. I quickly got a new T and I do miss my old T and the relationship but having a new T and moving on with the issues has been helpful. Take care of you! Sorry this is so difficult.
Posted by Crooked Heart on January 29, 2004, at 3:47:16
In reply to Last session with my T (rather long), posted by thewriteone on January 28, 2004, at 14:47:10
> It almost feels like she's dying, at least to me because I won't have access to her anymore. I feel horrible saying that, but it's an honest statement.
It isn't a horrible thing to say, what's happening *is* like a bereavement.
If it's any help, when my therapy had to end (because of my therapist's illness) the final session wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be; there was even a very strange sort of, well you couldn't call it a "high", but something odd. Nor did I go to pieces, although it had seemed impossible to imagine just carrying on normally.
Will be thinking of you on Monday.
Posted by Penny on January 29, 2004, at 9:16:36
In reply to Last session with my T (rather long), posted by thewriteone on January 28, 2004, at 14:47:10
I had to end therapy with my former T because I moved as well. I had been seeing her for three years! I was so very attached to her and I really didn't know how I was going to tolerate not seeing her. On Feb. 8 of this year, it will be exactly one year since my last appointment with her.
The difference with my situation is that I was only moving 2.5 hours away, and my pdoc practiced in both cities, so I didn't have to leave him too, and he helped me find a new therapist in my new location. So for a while after I moved (in August), I went to see my former T in my former location on Saturday (every other week, down to once a month). Then, in January, I had decided on a new T, and I started seeing her weekly. I had two more sessions with my former T, in Jan. and Feb., after starting therapy with the new T.
So I had a good support system in place before my final session with the former T. Still, it was extremely hard. I had all of these things in mind I wanted to say to her but couldn't. Actually, she wrote a letter to me, summing up our three years together, and read it to me in our session. I just cried and cried. It was so hard, and it still is when I think about it now, or when I re-read the letter. :-(
And this year, since our last session and since I've started with a 'new' therapist (who isn't new anymore), many things have happened to me. Many things that I wish I could have shared with her, but instead have shared with my current T. But it's okay, because I've bonded with the new T and (gasp!) think I might like her even more than the old one! I NEVER thought that would ever be possible!!! I guess things really do happen for a reason.
My best advice to you would be to try to look at the things you've learned during your time with your therapist. What about your therapy made it special? What good things can you take away? If your T is like mine was, she's probably in your head - you can almost hear what she would say in reaction to this or that situation. Use that!
And try to not look at this as an end to your therapy. I know you might not be willing to think too much about it now, but you might consider finding a new T in your new location. Because, as you said, you don't feel as though you've finished your work with her. Perhaps not - but, let me tell you from experience, another therapist might be able to shine light on parts of your work that your current T hasn't. A new therapist can bring an entirely new perspective and viewpoint to your therapy. And now that you've been in therapy, you will know what you want when looking for a new T. I interviewed several when deciding, and chose a therapist who was a bit older than my former one, but who I felt safe and warm with in much the same way. I have decided that my former T was very much the 'perfect mommy' to my little girl self, but my current T is the 'perfect mother' to my adult self. Which is quite nice.
Other things that helped me - my former T spoke to my current T so that I wouldn't have to 'start from scratch' again. My former T told me that she wanted to hear from me occasionally, just to keep her updated on what was going on, particularly major things that would happen, and if I moved, etc. And I told her that if she moved or whatever to let me know as well, and she said she would. She also said that if, at some point, I wanted a 'consultation session' with her, just to catch up and say hi, that she would be okay with that. All of that made it feel less like she was gone for good out of my life.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I know how hard it is. But think - if you hadn't done such good work with her, it wouldn't hurt so much, would it?
I hope you can find some peace with all of this. Let us know how you are doing.
P
Posted by lilmsbubbles07 on January 29, 2004, at 11:38:20
In reply to Re: Last session with my T (rather long) » thewriteone, posted by Penny on January 29, 2004, at 9:16:36
i am so sorry u are going through this but be grateful that it is eding the way it is ,,,, there could be so many more ways that could harm u and hurt u more belive me i have been there and it does hurt to leave someone u trust !!! juts make sure when u see a new t somewheres else let them know how u feel about leavin ur old t and work through it.. keep coming to this board cus it is really good support they have halped me so much with my lose of my old t ... just stay strong!!!!
Posted by thewriteone on January 30, 2004, at 0:31:06
In reply to Re: Last session with my T (rather long) » thewriteone, posted by gardenergirl on January 28, 2004, at 17:31:13
> Are you planning to begin therapy with another T in your new location? Perhaps you can process your grief about terminating with your current T with a new one. Or keep posting here. You are more than welcome to seek our support!
I can't even think about seeing someone else at this point. It took me so long just to be able to trust her, I can't imagine going through that again so soon. I think maybe in time I'll be able to go to someone else, but I'm not there yet.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 30, 2004, at 10:41:07
In reply to Re: Last session with my T (rather long) » gardenergirl, posted by thewriteone on January 30, 2004, at 0:31:06
I understand. It must be very difficult. Please take extra special care of yourself in this time until you are ready to try again.
And keep posting!
gg
Posted by Crooked Heart on February 1, 2004, at 10:36:27
In reply to Re: Last session with my T (rather long) » gardenergirl, posted by thewriteone on January 30, 2004, at 0:31:06
Will be thinking about you tomorrow. Take care of yourself and let us know how it goes.
(((thewriteone)))
Posted by thewriteone on February 1, 2004, at 18:37:42
In reply to Re: Last session with my T (rather long) » thewriteone, posted by gardenergirl on January 30, 2004, at 10:41:07
Thanks to everyone for your support. I seem be doing a little better, which basically means there have been days I haven't burst into tears. My appointment is late tomorrow night, so I'll probably post about it on Tuesday. Thanks again, you guys are really sweet.
This is the end of the thread.
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