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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by QuietHeart on January 22, 2004, at 20:03:54
I have never, in the few sessions I have had, shown much emotion to my T. Part of me is worried about the awkwardness of the whole thing -- eg if I begin to cry. What do they DO? They obviously don't touch you or hug you or anything. Isn't it kind of weird? Also, on the flipside, what about talking about really traumatic things but shoiwng NO emotion? I feel like such a stone but I really view my relationship with my T as truly professional and I want to talk things thru -- I think I might come across as too cold and clinical. Advice?comments? Thanks guys.
Posted by ILoveYou,PeeWee! on January 22, 2004, at 20:09:16
In reply to Crying/Emotions in T's office, posted by QuietHeart on January 22, 2004, at 20:03:54
I saw a psychologist today and did the same; I didn't cry, and I and talked about things quite matter-of-factly. From appearances, he didn't seem to think it was strange at all. I'm with you. The thought of crying in front of a therapist makes me cringe.
Posted by Penny on January 22, 2004, at 20:39:08
In reply to Crying/Emotions in T's office, posted by QuietHeart on January 22, 2004, at 20:03:54
There is no right or wrong way to show emotion in front of your therapist. For some people, crying is cathartic and helpful. For others, it's simply stressful and makes them uncomfortable. Either situation is okay.
What you should perhaps focus on, however, is making sure that you are working on becoming as comfortable as possible with your therapist, so if you felt like crying, you would be okay with it. You don't have to cry. But it would be good for you to feel comfortable enough with your T to do so if the occasion arose.
My former T used to hand me the box of tissues if I started crying, which, come to think of it, was pretty often! I sat on her couch, and there was no side table, so the tissues were not easily within my reach, and I often wondered if she did that on purpose, so she would have the opportunity to hand me the box. When she was very pregnant, right before her maternity leave, she still got up to hand me the box, and I apologized for not getting it first and she said, "I can still hand them to you. It's okay."
The tissues in my current T's office are right beside where I sit. When I cry, which isn't as often anymore, she gives me a look as if to say that she understands, without actually saying anything. And I know she does.
Some T's, so I've heard, might touch your arm or shoulder, depending, of course, on your comfort level and history (sexual abuse, etc.), and on where they sit in relation to where you sit. Physical contact is usually discouraged, but it still happens, and appropriate physical contact can be useful at times.
I think the key for you, and for all of us (since I've seen this so often on this board!), is to not worry about your T and how you appear to him or her - worry about how you feel inside. Whether you maintain a reserved manner or completely break down in front of your T, I can guarantee, unless you are one of his/her first patients ever, they've seen it before.
I think as you get more comfortable with your T you will be more 'yourself' - whatever that's like. Are you an emotional person otherwise, outside of therapy? Or are you typically more reserved, even with people you feel completely comfortable with?
P
Posted by CareBear04 on January 22, 2004, at 20:50:05
In reply to Re: Crying/Emotions in T's office ?QuietHeart, posted by Penny on January 22, 2004, at 20:39:08
I totally understand. I've never cried in therapy and can't imagine doing it. Once, I was waiting for my appointment, and even though the doors are soundproof, I could hear the person before me sobbing and sobbing really loud. It worried me at first because I was afraid it was my therapist! Anyway, I just thought it must be a strange contrast for my therapist to be in an emotionally charged situation and five minutes later to be with unexpressive, impassive me. Sometimes I wonder whether I can even make use of therapy if I'm not emotionally invested. Do you need to cry in order to be emotionally invested? I think therapy has helped me, and I think my therapist is great, but I don't feel that attached to her or to the process. Thoughts?
Posted by antigua on January 22, 2004, at 20:52:20
In reply to Crying/Emotions in T's office, posted by QuietHeart on January 22, 2004, at 20:03:54
I used to be a realy crybaby in therapy but I don't cry very much anymore--I think it's because of the effexor and not because I don't want to (I always feel better if I release the feelings), it's just that I can't seem to cry anymore at all. I feel that it's a bad sign for me if I'm not crying. It's not even a matter of trust, I used to cry at everything--tv, sad music, my kids' accomplishments, getting upset if I can't get the top off the bottle, etc. But now, I'm often surprised at the things that do make me tear up--not the obvious ones, but the ones I didn't expect to choke me up. But that's all I do now, let a single tear slip through, but I haven't had a good all-out cry since I had a major episode of abandonment w/my CBT therapist, and that was last summer.
But... in my experience, the tears are always a huge sign to the T, they always sit up straight and take immediate notice and start pounding away, trying to find out what the triggers were.
What I truly, truly hate is when they hand me the kleenex box. I really want to throw it right back at them--it feels like they're pitying me and I really don't like that. Maybe one day I will throw it back! Otherwise they sit there looking at me compassionately. I like it much better when they don't draw attention to the fact that I'm crying. I mean, it's just me expressing myself through tears instead of talking.. no different, and better (I think) than me sitting there unemotionally. I tend to worry when I can recite the gruesome facts w/no feeling at all.
Don't worry if you do cry, they are very used to patients who do and do not cry. I've always believed that tears are cathartic, but one of my Ts is working on convincing me that it's o.k. if I DON'T cry.
Sorry for rambling, just do whatever comes naturally.
antigua
Posted by gardenergirl on January 22, 2004, at 23:27:37
In reply to Re: Crying/Emotions in T's office » QuietHeart, posted by antigua on January 22, 2004, at 20:52:20
Quiet heart (love the screen name, btw)
I used to feel really uncomfortable crying in front of my T or anyone else, although I am a cryer, so I really couldn't help it either. My T responded after I mentioned how embarrassing it was, "anytime you see a room with this many boxes of Kleenex in so many locations (they're EVERYWHERE) then that should tell you it's okay to cry here." It still took awhile for me to not be embarrassed about it and not to try to hold it in so much. But now, what seems to be my way of expressing myself is to just go for it.Of course my T is evil, in that on days I go in and I am determined not to cry, for example, I'm feeling good that day and don't want to feel bad, or I have another appt. right after...he always manages to say that key thing that just opens the floodgates. Dratted man! I think he prides himself on it. Of course I am just kidding here. He knows that crying helps me to re-experience past hurts in order to try to release them or to give them a new meaning in my present life.
Bottom line, we all do therapy different, and you may find you do different things at different times. It helped me to talk about my discomfort about the way I was expressing myself. It may also help you to talk to your T about your concerns.
Good luck,
gg
Posted by fallsfall on January 23, 2004, at 8:17:26
In reply to Crying/Emotions in T's office, posted by QuietHeart on January 22, 2004, at 20:03:54
It is unusual for me to NOT cry in a session. The sessions when I don't cry are significant to me (but then I always wonder if I'm not working hard enough). Lots of times, I will just have a tear or two rolling down my cheek once or twice or more. Usually, I don't have to grab the kleenex (my old therapist had a waste basket next to my chair for the dirty kleenex - I thought that was nice. My new therapist doesn't, so I take them with me when I go!?!?). So I rank my sessions on how many kleenex I need.
I cried the first time I saw my new therapist (quite a bit, in fact). I probably cried when I saw my first therapist, too, but I don't remember. They both quickly learned that if there are just tears running down my face that they can just keep on talking (I'm sure they note what brings it on). Being able to talk through my tears is seen as a problem that I have to deal with - and I do, most of the time. It is rare that I'm crying so much that I can't talk through it.
So I guess that with me, they see it as just another indication of how I'm feeling (along with smiles, tenseness, foot jiggles, seat shifting, looking away, sighs, etc.). It is a normal way of showing feelings.
Posted by Joslynn on January 23, 2004, at 8:33:52
In reply to Re: Crying/Emotions in T's office, posted by gardenergirl on January 22, 2004, at 23:27:37
Interesting aside: In CoDependents Anon mtgs, people are not supposed to hand crying people tissues, because it could be interpreted by the crying person as an attempt to make them stop. (Especially for people who have been told in the past that their emotions are wrong etc.) The tissues are supposed to be in a convenient spot, but people aren't supposed to hand them to someone else. It's even in the meeting introduction!
At my therapist's office, the Kleenex are right in front of me on the coffee table, so I grab them when I feel I need them, or go for the Kleenex I carry in my purse.
My pdoc' s office is arranged in a way that there is no table next to where I sit, so the Kleenex are usually slightly outside of my reach. Sometimes when I've cried in front of my pdoc, I think he felt like he didn't want to actually hand me the Kleenex and possibly inhibit me, so he kind of nudged the little table with the Kleenex on it closer to me, within my reach. He really needs a better Kleenex system!
Usually when I cry, they both just listen and give that understanding look, which makes me want to cry even more!
Posted by Dinah on January 23, 2004, at 8:47:58
In reply to The Kleenex Box, posted by Joslynn on January 23, 2004, at 8:33:52
I really don't cry a lot in therapy (I don't think), and I cried even less at the beginning.
For some reason, I hate to use a Kleenex unless my nose is running. If it's just tears, I'd rather let them flow unimpeded. I think it annoys my therapist a bit, although he only said something about it once.
Come to think of it, there are probably as many germs in tears as in a runny nose, so maybe I should use one. But I'm not going to obsess over it with a therapist who picks his nose.
Posted by Karen_kay on January 23, 2004, at 14:07:32
In reply to Crying/Emotions in T's office, posted by QuietHeart on January 22, 2004, at 20:03:54
Hiya! I've been seeing Bubba, my jerk of a therapist (I'm a bit upset with him if you hadn't noticed :)) for almost a year and I've never cried. Now, I've been on the verge of tears a few times, or that's what he says. I deny it completely!!!! He said once that while I was on the verge of tears (I wasn't BTW, OK, so I was) he has been tempted to hug me many times but that isn't professional. So, just because they can't hug you (or some of them can maybe??) or comfort you doesn't mean that they don't want to.
Also, I don't show ANY emotion at all when speaking about traumatic events that happened to me in the past. That isn't uncommon. It's a goal for me to get back to "feeling" some type of emotion about those things, but at this point I don't. It's almost as if I'm talking about someone esle, though I have more emotion when I read posts by other people talking about similar situations than when I talk about these types of things happening to me. Quite sad actually, but it's a coping mechanism that worked at the time. I'd say it is fairly common.
Your therapist is so used to it, it shouldn't even phase him/her. If it concerns you, bring it up. But, honestly, it happens to almost all of us.
Posted by Karen_kay on January 23, 2004, at 15:02:21
In reply to Re: The Kleenex Box » Joslynn, posted by Dinah on January 23, 2004, at 8:47:58
But I'm not going to obsess over it with a therapist who picks his nose.
*I almost forgot about that!!! ROFL!! And I'm constantly reminded of the situation when my boyfriend does it. I actually had to admit that I post on here when he heard me laughing at Big, when you posted that originally. I love you Dinah! I asked him about it, and he swears he doesn't do it in public. He was offended that a therapist would do such a thing in front of a client. Of course, after he was offended, he picked his nose and wiped it on his pants in front of me. Sounds like Big should hang out with my boyfriend.
Posted by terrics on January 23, 2004, at 15:52:32
In reply to Crying/Emotions in T's office, posted by QuietHeart on January 22, 2004, at 20:03:54
Therapy can get very complicated. I went to my T. about 20 yrs ago for 8 months and quit.[gives ya an idea of how old I am] 2 yrs. ago I went back to her. For the first year and a half I never cried, then last May I couldn't stop crying for the whole hour. She was scared and so was I. She called Pdoc. I cried every day for over 2 months. I guess the meds kicked in. A few days ago T. said that she never saw me cry except for therapy during those horrible months. terrics
Posted by Elle2021 on January 23, 2004, at 23:32:27
In reply to Crying/Emotions in T's office, posted by QuietHeart on January 22, 2004, at 20:03:54
> What do they DO? They obviously don't touch you or hug you or anything. Isn't it kind of weird?
I haven't ever cried in front of my pdoc or therapist, but I have come really close. There is a box of tissues by the couch in my pdoc's office. I imagine he would just offer me one. I can't see either one of them hugging me.
>Also, on the flipside, what about talking about really traumatic things but shoiwng NO emotion? I feel like such a stone
That sounds like a defense mechanism. I do the same thing. It's easier to describe traumatic situations accurately while dissociating from them. I usually cry later.
Elle
Posted by gardenergirl on January 24, 2004, at 10:02:11
In reply to The Kleenex Box, posted by Joslynn on January 23, 2004, at 8:33:52
> Interesting aside: In CoDependents Anon mtgs, people are not supposed to hand crying people tissues, because it could be interpreted by the crying person as an attempt to make them stop.
This is interesting. I read this the other day, and then when my next client was crying, and the Kleenex was just out of reach, I thought, "oh no, what do I do?" :) I actually told her about hearing of this recently and my dilemma. It gave me a good opportunity to reassure her about her crying, especially as she is a somewhat new client.
BTW, as an adult child of an alcoholic, I can really relate when you talk about crazy-making. It can be really confusing and yet profound when you realize that not everyone's family is like yours.
Regards,
gg
Posted by pegasus on January 24, 2004, at 23:24:06
In reply to Re: The Kleenex Box » Joslynn, posted by gardenergirl on January 24, 2004, at 10:02:11
I've always hated crying in therapy, which is too bad, because I cry at the drop of a hat. When I cry I also sometimes get frustrated and angry, because it takes away my ability to keep talking.
Recently when I was shopping around for a new therapist, I cried in front of every prospective therapist I saw . . . not on purpose, but maybe it was a good test. They all said something reassuring about how difficult the situation was, and about half of them offered me a kleenex box, while the other half had kleenex within easy reach. I actually picked the person I felt the most comfortable crying in front of.
With my old therapist, when I cried he would often say that I was doing really well (I always liked that).
-P
Posted by Fallen4myT on January 25, 2004, at 21:12:27
In reply to Re: The Kleenex Box, posted by pegasus on January 24, 2004, at 23:24:06
My T always hands me a kleenex or two and has told me he hurts when he sees me so upset. I rather like that to me it shows he is kind.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 26, 2004, at 5:41:41
In reply to Re: The Kleenex Box, posted by pegasus on January 24, 2004, at 23:24:06
> I've always hated crying in therapy, which is too bad, because I cry at the drop of a hat. When I cry I also sometimes get frustrated and angry, because it takes away my ability to keep talking.
I am exactly the same way! But it seems, recently, like I am crying less outside of therapy in situations when I normally would be bawling and unable to stop. Maybe it really helps to get it out in a safe place???
>
> Recently when I was shopping around for a new therapist, I cried in front of every prospective therapist I saw . . . not on purpose, but maybe it was a good test. They all said something reassuring about how difficult the situation was, and about half of them offered me a kleenex box, while the other half had kleenex within easy reach. I actually picked the person I felt the most comfortable crying in front of.What a great test! I'm glad you found one you are comfortable with. I cried a ton in the first session, too.
Take care,
gg
Posted by Waterlily on January 27, 2004, at 17:53:37
In reply to Re: The Kleenex Box » Joslynn, posted by Dinah on January 23, 2004, at 8:47:58
>
> Come to think of it, there are probably as many germs in tears as in a runny nose, so maybe I should use one. But I'm not going to obsess over it with a therapist who picks his nose.A little anatomy lesson here that has almost nothing to do with this thread. Tears are sterile. Boogers are not (it's their job to catch the germs). A runny nose consists mostly of tears that drain through the puncta (little holes on the inside corners of your eyelids) to the back of the throat, but it has more germs because of its pathway (through the nose).
My therapist hands me a tissue box when she thinks I'm on the verge of crying. I think it's a nice, caring gesture. I don't think she's trying to stop me from crying - it actually encourages crying because you don't have to worry about where the body fluids are going.
Posted by Dinah on January 27, 2004, at 18:04:22
In reply to Re: The Kleenex Box » Dinah, posted by Waterlily on January 27, 2004, at 17:53:37
Now I know you can catch germs through your eyes though, right? That's why you're not supposed to rub your eyes when you've been anywhere there might be germs.
This is the end of the thread.
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