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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fallsfall on December 12, 2003, at 17:43:36
DaisyM - you said that you would send me peace - not pieces, but I think it got here the other way around.
I am feeling awful.
At therapy yesterday I gave him a quick summary of Monday through Thursday. So much happened. I was so confused by our Monday session, and decided not to think about it. I helped a friend get into the hospital. He called while I was napping and was worried about me, and that felt so good. Started thinking about both my daughter and me being passive agressive. Got angry (!) at my old therapist. Started to clean a little. Worked 4 hours. Also mentioned that based on what we were discussing in therapy it is probably about time to bring the Golden Fantasy article into discussion.
He took the lead (thank goodness he didn't make me decide what was the most important) and we talked about being angry at my old therapist. At some point we switched to talking about fantasy/reality. He talked an awful lot. He sure had a definate idea of what he wanted to accomplish (I'm glad one of us does). After a while I had to tell him he was talking too fast - I couldn't follow him at all. I was getting more and more spacey. He said he was talking fast because we were running out of time. I think he kept me 10 minutes late.
I sat in my car for 2 hours (I think) before I could drive home. It was raining. The only things I can remember him saying were that I am not psychotic, that I am mad at my old therapist professionally (it wasn't that she didn't love me enough - it was that she didn't do her job), and something about "As if" personality (this is an old term that isn't used anymore, I've seen it, but never understood what it meant. He told me what it meant, but I can't remember what he said).
When I got home I tried to look for "As if" on the internet, but I was pretty unsuccessful. I wanted to go to the library, but couldn't focus enough to figure out what I wanted to do there. I took a nap. I was so zooed. Spacey. My brain was just thick goo that no thoughts could go through. I watched a movie. I couldn't post here.
This morning I got my daughter to school, but I still felt really awful. I had an appointment with my doctor about palpatations from a couple of weeks ago. My blood pressure was up and my heart rate was up. He asked what I was doing for exercise (nothing). I told him I was going to take a nap when I got home. He told me to walk around the block first and I burst into tears. I couldn't describe for him what we were doing in therapy. I couldn't communicate at all. He gave me a script for a beta-blocker for the heart stuff. That and a nap made me feel a little better.
I talked to my therapist. He wants to talk about what makes my blood pressure go up. I told him that I couldn't remember anything from our session. I asked if that was OK. He said that it wasn't OK, but there wasn't anything we could do about it - we could talk about that on Monday.
I managed to take a shower and go to work. My boss said that he was going to go home sick as soon as I got there - he has a cold coming. It was really questionable to me if I was going to go to work at all. I told him I wasn't feeling well, and he agreed to stay so I could figure out how I was doing. I was OK, but couldn't figure anything out or think or remember etc. I was really scared that something would happen and I would burst into tears behind the checkout desk at the library and I'd be the only one working there. I asked if he would stay, which he did. I made it through the 3 hours.
I still feel so lousy. I don't know if it is blood pressure stuff or therapy stuff. Please don't make me think.
Posted by judy1 on December 12, 2003, at 18:19:40
In reply to That would be pieces -- not peace (long), posted by fallsfall on December 12, 2003, at 17:43:36
I think the loudest message I got from your post was how stressed you are. Whether it's a result of therapy or not feeling well, it's obvious that physically your body is telling you through blood pressure and fatigue- you're stressed. Another thing you and I share are dissociating (or forgetting) what is said in therapy when it is triggering- do you know what it was- your old therapist maybe? Take some time off from thinking, get some rest (please be careful about the flu, it has made the rounds at my house) and try to spend some quality time with your daughter or whatever else makes you feel good. Take a breather from doing too much therp work, it's the holidays, do something kind for yourself- judy
Posted by DaisyM on December 12, 2003, at 22:44:37
In reply to Re: That would be pieces -- not peace (long) » fallsfall, posted by judy1 on December 12, 2003, at 18:19:40
Falls -- I am so sorry things are so tough. It must be the moon and stars because it seems like everyone has had a rough time this week.(yesterday was pure hell for me.) Holidays? Illness? I don't know.
I won't make you think but when you are up to it, I would like to know how your Therapist reacted to the article. It sounds like he has a lot of ideas for you and I'm sure he will be willing to repeat them again and again, as necessary.
I'm glad you were able to reach him. Did he make you feel at all better? It has been my experience that blood pressure meds can make you feel lousy, kind of spacey and lethargic, when you first start. My husband had to try 3 to get it right and now he takes them at night so they don't affect him during the day.
Obviously what you are working on is deep and painful. It seems appropriate that your memory is titrating things for you. You keep telling me to hang in there and let your therapist help you. It is good advice, please take it for yourself.
Have you read "Tales from a Traveling Couch" -- it is light and funny and touching. It might be just the ticket for you this weekend.
SO, I'll try again and wish you inner peace. Monday will wait. Rest. Take care of yourself. Let us know how you are doing.
-D
Posted by fallsfall on December 13, 2003, at 8:39:00
In reply to Re: That would be pieces -- not peace (long) » fallsfall, posted by judy1 on December 12, 2003, at 18:19:40
Thanks Judy.
I did take the dogs around the block this morning. I do need to do a minimum about Xmas. I have a couple of idea of things for the harder to think of things people (my parents and sisters). My kids will be another story.
My daughter was actually reasonably sociable last night. She made dinner and we sat at the table and she rambled about her friends and their parents and grades and stuff.
I'll work for 3 hours today. That will be good because it is focused time doing something (circulation stats in spreadsheets to make graphs today - kind of fun).
Thanks for your calming words.
Posted by fallsfall on December 13, 2003, at 8:48:12
In reply to Re: Sorry, let's try peace again..., posted by DaisyM on December 12, 2003, at 22:44:37
We are looking for that peace...
My therapist and I haven't talked about the article yet. I told you he knows the guy who wrote it. It is also referenced in "In Session". I've gone through and highlighted what I thought was relevant (and NOT relevant). I know he still has his copy.
He didn't really make me feel better. It was sort of like "We'll talk about it on Monday. Why are you bothering me now?" No, he wasn't that negative. I think I call him too much. But when I couldn't communicate at all with my GP and burst into tears, I told my GP I would call him. My GP really didn't know what to do - I think he was glad I was going to call him. I was actually calling a second time when I talked to him - to tell him I was a little better and was going to try to go to work (so he didn't need to call me) - but he picked up his phone so we did talk.
The blood pressure med seems to make me feel better at this point. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
I think I would be less distressed if I knew what it was that we are talking about that is so hard for me. I almost think it is realizing that my fantasies aren't reality.
That looks like a great book. None of the libraries I have access to have it, but I'll check at a book store.
Going to work now.
Thanks for the peace.
Posted by Dinah on December 13, 2003, at 10:11:20
In reply to That would be pieces -- not peace (long), posted by fallsfall on December 12, 2003, at 17:43:36
I'm sure he's not angry. Just figured he couldn't do much over the phone.
It's probably best to let him do the explanation for the as-if personality, and make sure you get him to explain how it applies to you. Because how he thinks it applies to you makes all the difference. I've had that problem looking things up sometimes. I think my therapist means things differently than how he's thinking about it.
Maybe you could ask him if you could take notes or something that would help ground you. And ask lots of questions the way they do, to make sure that you're correctly taking in what he's telling you. By being more active in the session, you can reduce the chance of blanking out and dissociating through it. Curl your toes tightly into the floor, rub your arm, do something to orient you to the moment. I ask my therapist sometimes to help me get grounded.
He apparently thinks that what he's trying to tell you is important, or he probably wouldn't have been so directive in the session. And apparently what he was saying caused you some anxiety. If he thinks it's important, he won't mind repeating it. My therapist told me yesterday that the conversation we were having was one we had had many times before. I reminded him that I don't always take things in or remember things or integrate things without repetition. He was really nice about it and not angry or anything.
Only two more days, and you can get some clarification on what he meant. And remember all the relaxation techniques your old therapist taught you too.
Posted by Karen_kay on December 13, 2003, at 11:40:39
In reply to Re: Sorry, let's try peace again... » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on December 13, 2003, at 8:48:12
((((Fallsfall)))) I'm sorry you are feeling stressed right now. It seems to be going around. I really don't know what to say to make you feel better, but I want to so badly right now. So, I'm just going to post and let you know that I'm thinking about you, and everyone right now for that matter. It seems we are all feeling a bit "overworked" regarding life in general. Maybe after the holidays everythign will slow down once again and become somewhat normal?? Or as normal as it can be.
But, I know that when I go into a session, after I leave I only recall certain aspects. And generally they are only petty annoyances. You were dissociating for a reason. Was he close to something? Did you feel threatened? I would encourage you to continue exploring the subject until the subject matter does infact stick with you and you work through it. It will get better! Blasted holidays! I'm thinking about you!
Karen
Posted by fallsfall on December 13, 2003, at 13:58:09
In reply to Re: That would be pieces -- not peace (long) » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on December 13, 2003, at 10:11:20
Maybe I will try to take notes. In the past I haven't wanted to do that because it makes me intellectualize rather than "feel" what is happening. But maybe I need that to keep me in the present.
I think I was processing things better at the beginning of the session than in the second half. I think that I can tell when I get into the state I was in in the second half - and the next time I'll stop him and see what we need to do. But, then again, I can't remember what he said in the first half either so maybe it was already too late. Sigh. At least I feel comfortable talking about not remembering - and he knows that I WANT to remember. So we should be able to work something out.
I am pleased that we are working on the "hard" stuff.
This is the end of the thread.
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