Posted by fallsfall on December 12, 2003, at 17:43:36
DaisyM - you said that you would send me peace - not pieces, but I think it got here the other way around.
I am feeling awful.
At therapy yesterday I gave him a quick summary of Monday through Thursday. So much happened. I was so confused by our Monday session, and decided not to think about it. I helped a friend get into the hospital. He called while I was napping and was worried about me, and that felt so good. Started thinking about both my daughter and me being passive agressive. Got angry (!) at my old therapist. Started to clean a little. Worked 4 hours. Also mentioned that based on what we were discussing in therapy it is probably about time to bring the Golden Fantasy article into discussion.
He took the lead (thank goodness he didn't make me decide what was the most important) and we talked about being angry at my old therapist. At some point we switched to talking about fantasy/reality. He talked an awful lot. He sure had a definate idea of what he wanted to accomplish (I'm glad one of us does). After a while I had to tell him he was talking too fast - I couldn't follow him at all. I was getting more and more spacey. He said he was talking fast because we were running out of time. I think he kept me 10 minutes late.
I sat in my car for 2 hours (I think) before I could drive home. It was raining. The only things I can remember him saying were that I am not psychotic, that I am mad at my old therapist professionally (it wasn't that she didn't love me enough - it was that she didn't do her job), and something about "As if" personality (this is an old term that isn't used anymore, I've seen it, but never understood what it meant. He told me what it meant, but I can't remember what he said).
When I got home I tried to look for "As if" on the internet, but I was pretty unsuccessful. I wanted to go to the library, but couldn't focus enough to figure out what I wanted to do there. I took a nap. I was so zooed. Spacey. My brain was just thick goo that no thoughts could go through. I watched a movie. I couldn't post here.
This morning I got my daughter to school, but I still felt really awful. I had an appointment with my doctor about palpatations from a couple of weeks ago. My blood pressure was up and my heart rate was up. He asked what I was doing for exercise (nothing). I told him I was going to take a nap when I got home. He told me to walk around the block first and I burst into tears. I couldn't describe for him what we were doing in therapy. I couldn't communicate at all. He gave me a script for a beta-blocker for the heart stuff. That and a nap made me feel a little better.
I talked to my therapist. He wants to talk about what makes my blood pressure go up. I told him that I couldn't remember anything from our session. I asked if that was OK. He said that it wasn't OK, but there wasn't anything we could do about it - we could talk about that on Monday.
I managed to take a shower and go to work. My boss said that he was going to go home sick as soon as I got there - he has a cold coming. It was really questionable to me if I was going to go to work at all. I told him I wasn't feeling well, and he agreed to stay so I could figure out how I was doing. I was OK, but couldn't figure anything out or think or remember etc. I was really scared that something would happen and I would burst into tears behind the checkout desk at the library and I'd be the only one working there. I asked if he would stay, which he did. I made it through the 3 hours.
I still feel so lousy. I don't know if it is blood pressure stuff or therapy stuff. Please don't make me think.
poster:fallsfall
thread:289218
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031202/msgs/289218.html