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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by raindancer on November 8, 2003, at 17:38:31
Hello everyone. My problem is that my therapist wants me to end in January and I can see where he's coming from, but I just can't cope. I am hopelessly attached (like a two year old - and me a grandmother!) to him and break down in tears all the time and great anxiety and pain. I don't see him often (3 weeks before next) which makes it worse, but at least there's some hope. What shall I do after termination when there's none.Has anyone got through this? Can you help as I'm a bit desperate. Thanks for listening.
Posted by Dinah on November 8, 2003, at 21:13:08
In reply to Can't do endings - please help, posted by raindancer on November 8, 2003, at 17:38:31
But I do endings really badly myself.
However... You said you could see where he was coming from. Does that mean that you see that you're reaching the goals you entered therapy for? If you recap your therapeutic experience, what do you find?
Some therapists prefer that the ending be final - part of the therapeutic process. But a lot of them leave the door open should you ever need to come in for a tune up. I think the latter approach would work better for me. Do you know how your therapist feels about it?
I do know how you feel, unfortunately. I've told my therapist he's going to have to peel me from around his feet like one of those cartoon characters.
Posted by justyourlaugh on November 8, 2003, at 23:36:17
In reply to Re: I wish I could » raindancer, posted by Dinah on November 8, 2003, at 21:13:08
suddenly..i was in therapy..
never requested it..
it just fell in my lap..
every time i see him ,he asks when i want to see him next..
i feel like i am cheating others out of time with him..i feel like i am not as important as everyone else...
i dont do "the world " thing well..
if ..tomorrow he said he couldnt see me any more..i would be totally crushed..rejection of any kind is destructive..
its clear mental health is viewed as the least important aspect of the human condition,by many..
when is the last time your dentice said" sorry,,i cant see every again,,you dont seem to have a cavity..."
Posted by Jai on November 9, 2003, at 8:14:20
In reply to Re: I wish I could, posted by justyourlaugh on November 8, 2003, at 23:36:17
If the reason for ending this therapy is mutual then the process could be done more easily by taking baby steps but if it is one sided then the problems come in. I would try to get some clear answers as to why the therapy is ending in January. It appears that this question would be needed to understand what you are looking at. Maybe you could get a new therapist to help you through this process. It appears that the last thing you need is more pain. Why not make the process as pain free as you possibly can? After all this is your life and you are free to make those choices.
Posted by fallsfall on November 9, 2003, at 10:01:22
In reply to Re: I wish I could, posted by justyourlaugh on November 8, 2003, at 23:36:17
JYL
"i feel like i am cheating others out of time with him..i feel like i am not as important as everyone else..."
I think that you are very important, and that you deserve every second of attention you get. You are not cheating anyone out of time with him. You are every bit as worthy as any of them.
I think that it will be hard for you to agree with me. But can you at least accept that this is what *I* believe?
Posted by fallsfall on November 9, 2003, at 10:10:04
In reply to Can't do endings - please help, posted by raindancer on November 8, 2003, at 17:38:31
It has been said that the termination phase is the most important phase of a therapy. It has also been said that every minute of therapy from the very first is part of the termination phase! I understand completely your attachment (Dinah and I had a long thread about "Forever Therapy").
This is when it is most important to explore the issues in therapy. You need to tell him exactly how painful it is for you, how you feel that you can't cope. He may say that he understands, but that the best thing for you is to push through it (make sure that you agree that he does understand). Or he may find that this is more distressing to you than he knew and he may modify his timetable to give you more time to work through this. You really need to be sure that he knows how this is feeling to you.
The book "When to say goodbye to your therapist" talks a lot about how to decide if you need to "fire" your therapist - how to decide if they are not helping you. But, if I remember correctly, it also talks about the significance of "normal" termination and different ways that it can be done. You might want to read it, if only to get more familiar with the concept that therapy does (and should [but don't tell me that...]) end.
Posted by Raindancer on November 9, 2003, at 12:01:28
In reply to Re: I wish I could » raindancer, posted by Dinah on November 8, 2003, at 21:13:08
Hi Dinah,
Believe it or not I went into therapy because after 2 years I couldn't get over the loss of my GP (Family Doctor) when he retired. I was with him for 30 years. So in a way I'm back in the same boat. I have become more assertive and stronger over the 2years + I have been in therapy but still in many ways seem to have stopped at two years old. I have explored this with my T and understand something of it, but it doesn't help the feelings. My T will be leaving soon after my termination although he will stay in the area. He says this is not the reason he is ending with me - he says that my feelings for him get in the way and create a block. He is happy to write to me when I finish. I really like and trust him but I feel rushed. I also lost my dad and my brother-in-law recently and my lovely cat is dying. So I guess I'm pretty low anyway. Thanks. All the best.
Posted by Dinah on November 9, 2003, at 13:28:11
In reply to Re: I wish I could » Dinah, posted by Raindancer on November 9, 2003, at 12:01:28
> - he says that my feelings for him get in the way and create a block. He is happy to write to me when I finish. I really like and trust him but I feel rushed.
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. You really need a different type of therapist. What a statement! Particularly when you went in to therapy because of the loss of the attachment to your GP. He ought to have anticipated some strong feelings on your part. If you decide that further therapy would be beneficial for you, I would suggest that you ask a lot of questions about their feelings about transference and ability to work with those feelings. You might want to read some books like "Between Therapist and Client" or "How Psychotherapy Really Works".
Or you might feel that you've gone as far as you can with therapy and would like to try to see how you do without it.
At least your therapist isn't opposed to periodic contact. Does that help at least a bit?
I had assumed from what you said (about seeing where he was coming from) that you both recognized you had met the objectives that originally brought you to therapy. I'm sorry that isn't the case.
> I also lost my dad and my brother-in-law recently and my lovely cat is dying. So I guess I'm pretty low anyway. Thanks. All the best.
I'm terribly sorry about the loss of your dad and brother-in-law. And my sweet dog is on treatment for cancer, so I do know how heartbreaking it can be to face losing a beloved companion.
That's a lot to face, Raindancer. If it helps any, please continue to post - both here and on Psycho-Social Babble.
(By the way, I admire your courage in working through the termination phase with your therapist. I've told my therapist that when he tells me his plans to terminate, he has effectively already stopped being my therapist. My way is the cowards way. I admire your way more, and wish I had the courage.)
Posted by Raindancer on November 9, 2003, at 16:56:17
In reply to Re: Can't do endings - please help » raindancer, posted by fallsfall on November 9, 2003, at 10:10:04
Hi Fallsfall, Thank you. A few weeks ago I bought the book "When to say goodbye to your therapist" and I have found it useful and comforting. My T is willing to do a review at 3 months and then at 6 before ending completely and has left it to me, but I'm not sure that it doesn't just prolong the agony - but when the time comes I will probably cling to everything I can get like a leech. He knows it's painful but I don't think he realises how intensely I feel it. Thanks for understanding my attachment - it makes me feel less alone.
Posted by Raindancer on November 9, 2003, at 17:20:37
In reply to Re: I wish I could » Raindancer, posted by Dinah on November 9, 2003, at 13:28:11
Dinah, thank you so much for your understanding and for the book recommendations - I'll look them up. Thanks also for your kindness. I hope your lovely dog responds well to his treatment - it 's a difficult time for you.
When my T told me about ending my first instinct was to bolt - very fast..But I care for him very much and I know it would have upset him that we hadn't had a "good" ending - this may be the best way for me in the long run, if I can get through it. Shall miss him badly . He's willing to do 3 month, then a 6 month review but this might be worse. It helps a lot that he is willing to have contact by letter. It really does. Thanks again. It's really comforting to 'talk' to you.
Posted by fallsfall on November 9, 2003, at 20:22:56
In reply to Re: Can't do endings - please help » fallsfall, posted by Raindancer on November 9, 2003, at 16:56:17
"he says that my feelings for him get in the way and create a block"
Do you mean by this that he feels that his therapy is not effective for you? Have you talked about "your feelings for him"? What have you done, and what has he done, to get around this block?
Since you still have your original issue, it seems that perhaps he has not been able to be effective for you. You might ask him if it would be more helpful for you to see a therapist who does a different kind of therapy (I used to see a CBT therapist, now I see a Psychodynamic one and they are VERY different). If you have a Psychiatrist who prescribes meds for you, you could ask him the same question.
In my opinion, a certain amount of discomfort is natural during a termination phase. But agony is not.
Let us know how things are going.
Posted by Dr. Bob on November 10, 2003, at 1:07:40
In reply to Re: Can't do endings - please help » raindancer, posted by fallsfall on November 9, 2003, at 10:10:04
> The book "When to say goodbye to your therapist" talks a lot about how to decide if you need to "fire" your therapist...
I'd just like to plug the double double quotes feature at this site:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#amazon
The first time anyone refers to a book without using this option, I post this to try to make sure he or she at least knows about it. It's just an option, though, and doesn't *have* to be used. If people *choose* not to use it, I'd be interested why not, but I'd like that redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20020918/msgs/7717.html
Thanks!
Bob
Posted by fallsfall on November 10, 2003, at 7:18:54
In reply to Re: double double quotes » fallsfall, posted by Dr. Bob on November 10, 2003, at 1:07:40
> > The book "When to say goodbye to your therapist" talks a lot about how to decide if you need to "fire" your therapist...
>
"When to say goodbye to your therapist"
Posted by Dr. Bob on November 10, 2003, at 16:04:35
In reply to Re: Sorry, I usually do it right. Here's the link » Dr. Bob, posted by fallsfall on November 10, 2003, at 7:18:54
Posted by Raindancer on November 10, 2003, at 18:28:05
In reply to Re: Can't do endings - please help » Raindancer, posted by fallsfall on November 9, 2003, at 20:22:56
My T said that my (strong) feelings get in the way of the therapy and he keeps meeting a wall. I will ask him again about this (and the original issue) when I see him at end of this month. At this stage I think I would like to try for a while without therapy (too upsetting) and perhaps try later when I have recovered a little. I have talked to my T a lot about my feelings for him, which have a lot to do with seeing him as a good and loving parent. While I trust him to do his very best to bring the therapy to a good "ending" I am less hopeful of my ability to cope with the separation. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness - I will of course let you know how it goes. All good wishes.
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