![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by judy1 on September 16, 2003, at 15:06:11
My son, who is 12 y.o. is starting to develop some classic anxiety symptoms- obsessive thoughts, upset stomach, and what appeared to be a classic panic attack that responded to a small dose of my xanax. I've been posting on PB2000, but thought I would throw this out here. I guess this was my worst nighmare, my genes coming through (although bipolar symptoms would be worse). I did start him with a child psychologist (he had his first session Saturday), but all I do is vascillate between guilt, wondering what else I can do, and honestly feeling my own health isn't important right now. Which I realize is stupid because my family falls apart when I'm sick. What am I missing here? Is there more I can do? I can't stop thinking about him, and I feel I'm not giving enough attention to my little girl either. Not doing to well here.
thanks, judy
Posted by bookgurl99 on September 16, 2003, at 15:54:08
In reply to Putting son first..., posted by judy1 on September 16, 2003, at 15:06:11
Judy,
hi.
first of all, i want to say -- woman, this is _not_ your fault. would you fault yourself if your son had inherited diabetes or asthma from you? i really hope you don't feel guilty about this.
next, it sounds like you're doing the right thing. when i was a tremendously anxious child, it would have been wonderful for me if someone had recognized/acknowledged what i was going through and sent me to therapy.
i think you're doing everything that you can for your son right now. just know that it's important to take care of yourself and everything else, and that he will learn to handle this challenge along with everything else life brings his way.
good luck,
books
Posted by Dinah on September 16, 2003, at 20:03:42
In reply to Putting son first..., posted by judy1 on September 16, 2003, at 15:06:11
Ahh Judy. I know how you feel. I see all the qualities I've passed on to my son and realize that he's not going to have the easiest life. Of course, my husband passed on a few qualities of his own.
But remember as well that you passed on a lot of the qualities that make you love him so much. We all pass on a bit of the good and a bit of the bad. And I guess all we can try to do is to make the environment a bit better for them than it was for us. Or maybe just make different sorts of mistakes.
But who better to help him navigate the stormy shoals than someone who's been through it themselves? I'm trying to remember what I would have wanted in my own pre-teen troubles. I think I would have wanted my parents to listen and take me seriously, and not to have decided what was wrong with me or what I needed without hearing my views.
You do have to take care of yourself first in order to put your children first. Remember the old oxygen mask analogy. First and foremost he needs his parents. Make sure you do your best to take care of yourself so that you can be there for *both* of them.
And try not to overreact. It bears watching of course. But adolescence is a rough time for everyone. Hormones are swirling. Growth takes up a lot of energy. Things may settle down with age. He's not necessarily doomed to a life of pdocs and med trials. And even if that is in his future (which is by no means certain), it needn't be a disaster for his life. Don't let your fears for his future color his own vision.
Ok now Judy. Deep breath. Muster your strength. Listen to what your son's therapist tells you. Listen to what your son tells you. And don't beat yourself up about what you couldn't help, even if you did pass some traits onto him.
Posted by fallsfall on September 16, 2003, at 21:21:16
In reply to Putting son first..., posted by judy1 on September 16, 2003, at 15:06:11
Yes Judy, we all pass stuff on to our kids. Shortly after I had my first crash I noticed that my daughter, who was in 6th grade, had a lot of the traits that my therapist was telling me that I should work on. I wanted so much for her to learn these things early in life, while the learning is easier.
During 6th grade she was getting mostly A's (she had my perfectionistic tendencies, after all). But she was spending about 5 hours a night working on homework. This seemed to be too much time - she needed some time for extracurriculars and for fun (she is much better than I am at having fun). She is very bright and I couldn't believe that the 6th grade teachers were giving out so much homework that a bright student needed to spend 5 hours a night on it. Since her grades were good and she was a perfectionist I thought that an experiment was in order. I suggested that she might be doing more than was needed. She didn't really think so. I proposed that she put in 70% as much effort on homework as she had been in the past, and see what happened. Either her grades would go down and we would have to look at the problem again, or her grades would stay high and she would have 30% more time. I think that since I was suggesting to her what she should do that she felt that if her grades dropped that I wouldn't be mad. So she tried it. Her grades stayed up and she learned a very important lesson. We still talk about this a couple of times a year - and she is now a successful Junior in College. I had (have) much more trouble than she does in doing only what is needed.
I tell you this story because even though I was struggling with this trait in myself I was able to successfully help my child. I don't think that my husband could help her that way because he never understood as completely as I did what was causing the problem.
You have a unique opportunity to make you son's life easier. It certainly has helped my relationship with my daughter. It can help your relationship with your son, too.
Posted by DaisyM on September 17, 2003, at 0:48:14
In reply to Re: Putting son first... » judy1, posted by fallsfall on September 16, 2003, at 21:21:16
Hi, Judy.
I have been lurking out here for awhile...gathering support quietly. But when I read your post I had to respond...
My son entered therapy last year -- he is 11. He started "skipping" school due to stomach aches and eventually had full on panic attacks. The school didn't know what to do, but I was lucky to be put in touch with a GREAT CBT counselor. It definately got worse for awhile and now ebbs and flows. Paxil has helped but so has biofeedback and the ability to "recognize and admit" when stress is present. That is the good news. The bad is that all the guilt I felt over not tuning in to all of this earlier, not knowing what to do about it myself and then, putting my kid on meds...well, I ended up in a deep, dark, terrible, lonely depression myself. That was 5 months ago and it is a long road back. I'm a typical over-achiever, a child-development specialist (M.A.) and run a pretty successful company. Not knowing how to fix my own child was beyond distressing. Oh, and I have another child with diabetes...and there is (was) guilt about those genes too. I think it is just natural that we want to protect our children from pain and fear and this isn't something you can kiss and put a band-aid on. I am learning that I must take of myself in order to take care of my family. I'm working on this...it is really hard for me because I am so use to taking care of everyone else and "fixing" things. I've been in therapy "just for me" since May and sometimes I feel like I've entered an alternate universe, both with my own process and my son's. One of the hardest things was for me to trust my son's therapist...again a learning experience. I encourage you to meet with your son's T as much as you need to and sit in on sessions occasionally. Be prepard to answer questions honestly though! Therapy is as hard for kids as it is for us. I love the fact that my son's T has email -- I can send quick notes with questions. I sometimes wish mine did but ultimately I'd probably end up driving him crazy...I like to write! Ok, enough for now. Please feel my support. I've been there--am there --and I'm out here for you!
DaisyM
Posted by judy1 on September 17, 2003, at 13:34:11
In reply to Re: Putting son first..., posted by DaisyM on September 17, 2003, at 0:48:14
I can't express how much it means to me. And also hearing about your own children, I don't feel so alone. I made an appt with my pdoc on Friday (I haven't seen him in months) because I want to be strong for my son. I tend to break down in tears a lot, and I know that just adds to his stress. So, ok, you're right it if was a physical disorder, I probably wouldn't be so hard on myself (although Daisy, it sounds like you feel guilt about that too). I imagine it's natural for us to want to make our children's lives perfect, but I think I get that doing the best I can to help is basically all I can do. So day to day. I try to remember myself at that age, and I do remember staying up to midnight to make my homework perfect, and anything less then an A was to all purposes an F to me. Now I know I didn't tell him any of this, so it has to be some kind of genetic link. I wish his therp had e-mail, I'll ask, because I don't want my son to feel I'm intruding on his private time. Again, thanks so much for sharing your experiences, it helped tremendously.
take care, judy
Posted by deirdrehbrt on September 18, 2003, at 19:22:25
In reply to Thank you all for your support.., posted by judy1 on September 17, 2003, at 13:34:11
Judy,
I think that your son has a wonderful mother. You notice what is going on with him, and you take appropriate action when you see something going on.
I think that we all know that if anyone would ever have a "perfect" childhood, they wouldn't be equipped to handle life in the real world. I guess that I see it as realizing that our children need adversity to grow, but we as parents need to keep it manageable for our young ones. To me, that sounds exactly like what you are doing.
I am glad to hear how you are raising and caring for your son. Keep up what you are doing.
Dee.
Posted by judy1 on September 19, 2003, at 18:32:46
In reply to Re: Thank you all for your support.., posted by deirdrehbrt on September 18, 2003, at 19:22:25
I thought it was really interesting that you wrote "our children need adversity to grow". I saw my pdoc today and he basically said the same thing. I know I can't put him in a bubble (although sometimes I would like to:-), but I think at this time in his life having a therapist to help him cope rather than medicating (my shrink said children using CBT do better in the long run then those using medication, which surprised me coming from a shrink). So just maybe his life won't be as screwed up as mine, and I guess I'm doing the best I can to prevent that.
take care, judy
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.