Posted by fallsfall on September 16, 2003, at 21:21:16
In reply to Putting son first..., posted by judy1 on September 16, 2003, at 15:06:11
Yes Judy, we all pass stuff on to our kids. Shortly after I had my first crash I noticed that my daughter, who was in 6th grade, had a lot of the traits that my therapist was telling me that I should work on. I wanted so much for her to learn these things early in life, while the learning is easier.
During 6th grade she was getting mostly A's (she had my perfectionistic tendencies, after all). But she was spending about 5 hours a night working on homework. This seemed to be too much time - she needed some time for extracurriculars and for fun (she is much better than I am at having fun). She is very bright and I couldn't believe that the 6th grade teachers were giving out so much homework that a bright student needed to spend 5 hours a night on it. Since her grades were good and she was a perfectionist I thought that an experiment was in order. I suggested that she might be doing more than was needed. She didn't really think so. I proposed that she put in 70% as much effort on homework as she had been in the past, and see what happened. Either her grades would go down and we would have to look at the problem again, or her grades would stay high and she would have 30% more time. I think that since I was suggesting to her what she should do that she felt that if her grades dropped that I wouldn't be mad. So she tried it. Her grades stayed up and she learned a very important lesson. We still talk about this a couple of times a year - and she is now a successful Junior in College. I had (have) much more trouble than she does in doing only what is needed.
I tell you this story because even though I was struggling with this trait in myself I was able to successfully help my child. I don't think that my husband could help her that way because he never understood as completely as I did what was causing the problem.
You have a unique opportunity to make you son's life easier. It certainly has helped my relationship with my daughter. It can help your relationship with your son, too.
poster:fallsfall
thread:260691
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/260826.html