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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabitha on September 13, 2003, at 19:27:59
I swear, every time I experience some personal growth, it's quickly followed by an attack of miserableness.
For instance, I got interested in exploring spirituality, and thought I figured out exactly what that means to me, and what beliefs I want to encourage, and I felt super-happy for a day or so... then apparently, completely lost interest, life seems dead, meaningless. I have to force myself to go to the church that made me feel so good last time I went.
Another thing.. I'm trying to purge my possessions, and come to terms with the lifetime of shopping habits, and figure out how I want to relate to 'stuff' and consumer culture in the future, and I made some progress, realizing I don't need to buy so much stuff anymore, I don't need to save stuff, I don't need to shop so much, there are more satisfying ways to spend time. I'm doing major purge of possessions. Like a change of heart. This is growth, like end of an era.. marked by ceremony (my first garage sale) but I feel awful and dead and depressed about it.
I'm confused.. is growth just painful, or am I sabotaging myself with an attack of misery after every step. I think my therapist pointed out this as a possible pattern for me.
Should I call her? Convert all the garage sale profit into phone session minutes.. tick tick tick..
I called my friend, but I can't talk much about stuff. I emailed another friend, I feel like I'm telling him too much. I'm alone with all this stuff, and I hate to keep calling the therapist every time I'm upset.
I feel like just buying some alcohol-- but I really try not to blot my feelings that way.
It's so confusing.. but what's the problem? Really? Just confusion? I don't understand why it doesn't feel better to work thru these things.
So I'll do a google search on 'growth painful'.. and worry more about my carpal tunnel from too much websurfing lately. Ugh.
Posted by kara lynne on September 13, 2003, at 19:56:45
In reply to Self-hate attacks.., posted by Tabitha on September 13, 2003, at 19:27:59
I think it's common for personal growth to be followed by fear. It's a threat to the old self, or something like that. At least that's what I hear.
I think there's a lot of emotion attached to our 'stuff'. I mean people get pathological about it, pack rats and that whole syndrome. Coming to terms with your lifelong shopping habits is major stuff. Last night I was in a department store with a friend and there was this flurry of endorphins and madness, followed by great fatigue and huge let down--replete with self recrimination. I realized there was not one thing in that store, that even if I truly needed it, would make me feel better when I got home and woke up the next day. And it's true. I don't want anything in that department store (although I could certainly fool anyone watching me). I want love and closeness-- to feel like I'm valuable and have something to give, and to find my expression in the world. I haven't found that department yet.
It sounds to me like you are doing great work.
Posted by Dinah on September 13, 2003, at 21:13:53
In reply to Self-hate attacks.., posted by Tabitha on September 13, 2003, at 19:27:59
It isn't easy to give up the familiar. And you've made a lot of changes lately. Fear and grief are probably normal.
But, I find there'a also a let down to achievement. That you think that if such and such happens you'll feel so and so. Then you work to achieve your goal, and gosh darn it you don't feel what you expected to feel.
I remember my wedding. We had planned it for a year. I expected to feel.... I don't know. Magical. Bridelike. But I felt like me in a wedding gown. It was odd somehow.
Plus, didn't you recently change meds? Do you think that might have something to do with it?
Posted by fallsfall on September 13, 2003, at 22:59:23
In reply to Self-hate attacks.., posted by Tabitha on September 13, 2003, at 19:27:59
I think it's natural (or I'm unnatural, too). I have just started volunteering again, getting out in the world, accomplishing something. I spent my last therapy session moaning and groaning and complaining about everything. After I left I figured out that what I was saying was "Well, I may have made some progress, but don't be fooled into thinking that I'm better! I still have all these problems to solve". The last couple of days I haven't been able to accomplish anything (well, the naps were good). This sounds a lot like what you are describing - I take steps of independence and then revert even farther back into dependence. I'm going to keep volunteering, even if I don't get anything done at home. I think that the help that volunteering gives to my self-esteem will be enough to get me back to where I was at home.
Frustrating, though, isn't it?
P.S. The alcohol solution doesn't seem to be the best one... I'm glad you resist that.
Posted by Tabitha on September 14, 2003, at 13:37:40
In reply to Re: Self-hate attacks.., posted by kara lynne on September 13, 2003, at 19:56:45
Thanks for validating all the reaction to 'stuff'. I started shopping for comfort at a young age. It's difficult to give up. There are better ways to meet that need-- well at least I hope there are.
Posted by Tabitha on September 14, 2003, at 13:41:32
In reply to Re: Self-hate attacks.. » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on September 13, 2003, at 21:13:53
That made me laugh-- the part about magical and bridelike versus me in a wedding dress.
Yup, I thought I'd feel happy and peaceful to clear out space. Maybe I will eventually when it's all organized better, and the walls are a better color.
I've debated upping or changing the meds. I definitely have more depression than I had a month ago. But I'm still functioning, so I may just trudge onward a while. I'm trying to just accept that this cleanup odyssey may just not be fun. I still want to finish it up.
Posted by Tabitha on September 14, 2003, at 13:44:36
In reply to Re: Self-hate attacks.. » Tabitha, posted by fallsfall on September 13, 2003, at 22:59:23
Good for you, falls, for continuing the volunteering. Sounds like you are hanging onto your logic about it, despite not feeling so great. I try to remind myself, I did get something accomplished by jettisoning the stuff.. even if it doesn't feel so good yet. Intellectually I can be proud of myself, maybe the emotional satisfaction will follow
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