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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by WorryGirl on October 16, 2002, at 14:17:21
I am new to this web-site and have enjoyed reading the postings - it's been very insightful.
I saw a therapist for a few months, but recently stopped because nothing has improved. I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder.
I am a very intense person who analyzes everything to death! I tend to worry about potential disasters that could happen, partly because before I worried so much, many bad things were continuously happening.
A major problem is that I do not come across well to others. Sometimes I do come across fine, but the more people get to know me the more distant they become, and they gradually back off.
Sometimes it's as though people take one look at me and seem to read me as a "loser". On more than one occasion I have entered a new situation where I felt so alone and ostracized because when I tried to be friendly I was rebuffed and ignored. It hurts!
Sometime I know it's because I talk too much, which I tend to do when I'm nervous. But I never really say anything "wrong" or "bad"; I guess it's just the subconscious signals that I'm sending.
Other times I talk very little but people are not seeming to find me worthy of their time or interest even when if I attempt to ask them questions about themselves.
I am starting to feel so defective that it is difficult to be in any interpersonal situation because I'm so afraid of saying and/or doing the wrong thing.
My husband and the few friends I have (who unfortunately do not live close) are supportive and say that I am fine the way I am, and don't need medication, just more friends.
I feel like it's a catch 22 situation.
If I didn't feel so socially isolated and alone, I would be an extremely happy person. I am married (my husband travels a lot) with two very small children, and I stay at home.
Should I be medicated? I would rather not be medicated. Would group therapy of some kind benefit me? Has anyone else ever felt this way?
ANY advice, comments or suggestions would be most appreciated.
Posted by jyl on October 16, 2002, at 15:44:13
In reply to What Am I Doing Wrong? - I Turn People Off, posted by WorryGirl on October 16, 2002, at 14:17:21
hi worry
i stay at home too,with the kids while hubby
travels the world-hey mabe you are his other wife
he keeps at the office?hee hee
most likely the other people are fucked!thats what i keep telling myself.
only you can descide if you wants meds-or the on-call pdoc in the er-another funny.
have a rainbow day
jyl
Posted by Eddie Sylvano on October 16, 2002, at 16:59:38
In reply to What Am I Doing Wrong? - I Turn People Off, posted by WorryGirl on October 16, 2002, at 14:17:21
> Sometimes it's as though people take one look at me and seem to read me as a "loser". On more than one occasion I have entered a new situation where I felt so alone and ostracized because when I tried to be friendly I was rebuffed and ignored. It hurts!
--------------------------I totally understand you. I'm the kind of person that can say something in a group, get no attention, then watch as someone else says the exact same thing and gets lauded as a genius. For most of my life, I've felt like I'm not real, especially around women. It's like I'm so far away from the qualities they want in a man that I'm not even considered a possibility. Guys don't have much use for me either, for that matter. I'm just not on the same page as everyone else.
This bothered me for a long time, but I'm coming to appreciate the fact that if people don't want to be around me, they're probably just not right for me, and it makes life easier. I also came to realize that when people do talk to me, I find that I don't really want to talk to them as much as I thought I did. I like the idea of having lots of friends, but I don't really enjoy the experience. It's a lot of work to keep up scores of social ties. Maybe I'm just really picky. I prefer a couple of good friends to a lot of aquaintances.
The key, I think, is to just be yourself. Be happy with yourself and open with other people, and the right kind of people will catch on. It's their loss otherwise.
Posted by Tabßitha on October 16, 2002, at 23:13:54
In reply to What Am I Doing Wrong? - I Turn People Off, posted by WorryGirl on October 16, 2002, at 14:17:21
Hi,
I'll bet a therapy group could be helpful. You'd want the type of group that works with interpersonal processing, so you could get feedback on how you come across, and discuss your feelings about the interactions. You could probably get valuable insight and support in changing your patterns.
Posted by Eilidh on October 17, 2002, at 16:34:21
In reply to What Am I Doing Wrong? - I Turn People Off, posted by WorryGirl on October 16, 2002, at 14:17:21
Hi WorryGirl,
Eddie is quite correct re it being "Their loss", but I know that is of little consolation if you yearn to make friends.
You mentioned you had seen a therapist before. Did he/she give you any feedback re your social skills, or try to role play any of this with you?
If not,it may be worthwhile returning to this therapist, or another, to discuss this issue. You would then be able to focus on specific areas which you could perhaps improve upon when interacting with others ( and to be quite honest I'm sure we could all improve our interpersonal relationships to some extent). The therapist should be able to refer you to a group which is suited to you and your needs, which would help protect you from initially choosing a group which is not too helpful for you.
It may also be the fact that your social skills are fine, but that you are trying a little too hard to be liked .This can be a little off-putting to others. Maybe you could look at the places you are meeting people - they may not be places where others would normally be expecting to form friendships.
I wish you luck
Eilidh
Posted by WorryGirl on October 17, 2002, at 18:43:04
In reply to Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? - I Turn People Off, posted by Eilidh on October 17, 2002, at 16:34:21
Thanks for your response (and everyone else's, too). When I initially posted I didn't mention that I have had bulimia for 19 years. It is not nearly as severe as it was the first 10 years that I had it. At that time I wouldn't have gone to a therapist for a million dollars (stupid, huh?). When I became pregnant with my first child, I immediately realized that starving my body was a selfish thing to do when her life depended on my nourishment. Thus, my two pregnancies were uneventful and bulimia-free and thankfully my children had no abnormalities (at least not yet). I have returned to my bulimic ways, but weigh more now than I used to, and don't so much binge and purge as much as just eat with a healthy appetite and throw it up to keep me from being even fatter (I only do this at the end of the day).
> You mentioned you had seen a therapist before. Did he/she give you any feedback re your social skills, or try to role play any of this with you?
The therapist that I stopped seeing seemed completely unconcerned with my bulimia and seemingly treated it as an insignificant thing. I guess when I told him that it was not nearly as severe as it used to be he didn't consider it a problem.
As for my social skills, no, he didn't role-play. He gave me some feedback, but mostly just talked to me about the everyday events in my life. I did tell him that I preferred not to be medicated, and he was fine with that, but it felt like only the tiniest baby steps were being made.
I do think that a different therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist are in order, but I feel so unmotivated at the thought.
These days getting out of bed, feeding and interacting with my children are my only great milestones.
> It may also be the fact that your social skills are fine, but that you are trying a little too hard to be liked .This can be a little off-putting to others. Maybe you could look at the places you are meeting people - they may not be places where others would normally be expecting to form friendships.Why is someone trying too hard so off-putting? I have a hard time acting like I don't care if I'm friends with someone or not. Anytime someone speaks to me, I'm often so enthusiastic that it obviously screams loser, but I can't help myself.
As Eddie mentioned, I think that I desire the friendships more when I am observing others' friendships from afar. If I actually had them I wonder if it would be too much. Just a thought.
When I socially interact with others, I feel so emotionally drained afterwards, because all I can think about is what I said wrong, etc.
Your thought about finding the right group therapy sounds the most enticing to me right now.
Thanks again. :)
Posted by Gracie2 on October 17, 2002, at 20:54:40
In reply to What Am I Doing Wrong? - I Turn People Off, posted by WorryGirl on October 16, 2002, at 14:17:21
I doubt if I can say anything about the bulimia that you don't already know. This is a serious health concern and should be considered apart from your desire to have more friends. However, you could make friends at OA meetings.Since you say you're an intense person, prehaps you're coming on too strong. When someone makes a casual comment and you stare at them and say, "Well, what do you mean by that?" it can put the other person on the defensive. Although people like to talk about themselves, most people don't like it when you become too personal too soon, whether asking them questions or talking about yourself. Myself, I dislike people who enjoy arguing, who will disagree with just about anything you have to say for the sake of argument.
I also dislike it when a person complains constantly, when they never have a decent thing to say about anyone.Since you say you would be happy if you just had more social interaction, that doesn't sound like something that requires medication. The bulimia needs treatment, though.
-Gracie
Posted by jyl on October 18, 2002, at 6:43:05
In reply to Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? - I Turn People Off, posted by Gracie2 on October 17, 2002, at 20:54:40
hey,
i am concidered to be a real snobby bitch in every situation i am in(unless i am drunk out of my mind).
i am so afraid of people i cant seem to interact with them.
i shake-get dizzy-want to vomit-cant give anyone eye contact-and i certainly dont want to hug or shake hands with stranger.
i keep myself busy in my house...
fuck everyone else.
Posted by WorryGirl on October 18, 2002, at 10:49:43
In reply to Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? - I Turn People Off, posted by jyl on October 18, 2002, at 6:43:05
I think people have thought that I was a snob on occasion, because when I'm scared to death in social situations I can be very quiet, too. But my big mouth usually ends up getting me in trouble somehow in the end.
I'd have to say that no one has ever complained about me when I get drunk. Apparently I'm barrels of fun then.
I stay confined at home much of the time because yes, it's safe, but I start dwelling on everything too much.
I had to ask if you're on any med, and if you feel that it's working. If you're not, do you want to be? I'm afraid of the med as much as I am other people I think.
Posted by jyl on October 18, 2002, at 11:17:40
In reply to Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? - I Turn People Off » jyl, posted by WorryGirl on October 18, 2002, at 10:49:43
hi
i was on paxil all summer but it did not help with the depression:( and it made it hard for me to be a mom.
i am now on effexor and trazodone.
i stopped pulling out my hair and trying to drink myself to death.....
i dont like to leave the house..
i still think it is them who are twisted!hee hee
jyl
Posted by WorryGirl on October 20, 2002, at 14:27:34
In reply to Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? - I Turn People Off, posted by Tabßitha on October 16, 2002, at 23:13:54
I'm looking into group therapy programs. The only problem is that I get so nervous around strangers, especially groups of people and freeze and shake around them. It's always the hardest the first time meeting them, too.
If I find a good program (and babysitter) hopefully, knowing that everyone else is seeking help won't make it so hard. I don't believe I have true "social anxiety disorder", although I appear to show a few of the symptoms. It is almost more of a huge self-esteem problem.
Thanks for your advice.
Posted by Gracie2 on October 23, 2002, at 21:07:29
In reply to Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? - I Turn People Off » Tabßitha, posted by WorryGirl on October 20, 2002, at 14:27:34
Please find and read a copy of Shirley Jackson's
"We Have Always Lived In The Castle". It's short, won't take long. I guarantee you'll love it.
-Gracie
Posted by WorryGirl on October 24, 2002, at 16:12:24
In reply to Book recommendation for you guys, posted by Gracie2 on October 23, 2002, at 21:07:29
Gracie,
Thanks so much for the recommendation. I will add it to my list of books that I need to pick up this weekend at B & N, from reading this website.
Posted by Dr. Bob on October 25, 2002, at 3:11:15
In reply to Book recommendation for you guys, posted by Gracie2 on October 23, 2002, at 21:07:29
> Please find and read a copy of Shirley Jackson's
> "We Have Always Lived In The Castle".I'd just like to plug the new double double quote feature. But I don't mean to be pushy. Did you deliberately not use it to link to Amazon? If so, I'd be interested in why, over at PBA:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20020918/msgs/7717.html
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by Gracie2 on October 25, 2002, at 14:23:43
In reply to Re: double double quotes, posted by Dr. Bob on October 25, 2002, at 3:11:15
Dr. Bob-
I didn't deliberately not use double double quotes. I've been posting on PB so long that I don't read the headings because I think I know everything. I'll try to be more careful.
-Gracie
Posted by Dr. Bob on October 26, 2002, at 10:32:22
In reply to Double double quotes-Dr. Bob, posted by Gracie2 on October 25, 2002, at 14:23:43
Posted by ST on October 28, 2002, at 18:56:28
In reply to Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? - I Turn People Off, posted by Tabßitha on October 16, 2002, at 23:13:54
Hi Worry Girl!
Tabitha is right - a therapy group could really help. These people have problems - just like you - and probably have gone through the same things.
Getting involved in a group relating to something you are really interested in (art, a book club, running, poetry reading at a cafe, volunteer work...)that involves others can help. If you have a busy life and interests, I know that peole tend to gravitate toward you. You end up giving out more independent and confident signals that people really respond to.
You'll hit your stride; I really think it's confidence and an interest in things outside yourself. I know that I can get very self absorbed, being someone with depression and anxiety.
Good luck!
Sarah
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