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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on August 21, 2002, at 20:29:39
I have the horrible feeling that any couples therapy will just make things worse by bringing out in the open problems that we now choose to ignore. When the goal is to stay together, and divorce is not an option, is ignoring things really such a bad thing?
If the problems are based on character differences, and are very unlikely to change, is it better to try to just live with them? I'm not talking about abuse or adultery, just differing personality disorders that don't always mesh particularly well.
Has anyone had couples therapy that helped or hurt their relationships?
Posted by terra miller on August 21, 2002, at 21:15:34
In reply to Couples therapy, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2002, at 20:29:39
> I have the horrible feeling that any couples therapy will just make things worse by bringing out in the open problems that we now choose to ignore.
i think this is likely that things would come out in some degree otherwise it's kind of a waste of money???
>When the goal is to stay together, and divorce is not an option, is ignoring things really such a bad thing?
depends. i think trust your gut on this one. i honestly don't think it's bad from time to time depending on the issue to ignore things. i think every couple does this. it's when it's somehow causing more strife then you can handle that maybe you outta talk about it more. i don't believe "perfection" exists in marriages.
sometimes in therapy it's not about changing personalities as much as getting to the place that you both accept the other independently... then when you let them be them, you get along better. so, sometimes it's more about relating then discussing what you never seem to agree on.
> If the problems are based on character differences, and are very unlikely to change, is it better to try to just live with them? I'm not talking about abuse or adultery, just differing personality disorders that don't always mesh particularly well.
>
> Has anyone had couples therapy that helped or hurt their relationships?i just cannot believe this post is here. as you may know, i am separated. we are in couples therapy twice a month for 1 1/2 sessions and i just got home from another "glorious" (sarcasm) meeting. for us it has been beneficial because i have been able to get real down and honest. our therapist can make "observations" (ie: get in our faces if we're being jerks) that we listen to. honestly, one of us leaves there angry or upset, but it's always been because of good. i would say for us that therapy is good, but painful. i do not think it is harming us. for me, there are personality traits that i can't overlook.
take care,
terra
Posted by Medusa on August 22, 2002, at 2:46:46
In reply to Couples therapy, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2002, at 20:29:39
> is ignoring things really such a bad thing?
Depends on the 'Things'. This is something you could bring up when interviewing a therapist - make a list of Things you have decided to ignore, and only go to a counselor who'll work with you while respecting that.
> differing personality disorders that don't
> always mesh particularly well.Therapy could help you to find coping mechanisms to help you more healthfully ignore the Things. There are different ways of ignoring Things. Some ways take lots of energy, others help you to move beyond the Things.
> Has anyone had couples therapy that helped
> or hurt their relationships?Hurt: he was a throwaway relationship anyway. He had plenty of his own problems, and in the end blamed me for his increased awareness of his own problems. Therapy was a sort of tool for him in this process. (At the beginning, she was my therapist.) But the therapist had used him as a tool in my process, which still miffs me. At the beginning of the relationship, she pushed me to return his calls etc and try a relationship - I think she had decided that my hesitance to get involved with him was all about my fear of commitment, intimacy etc, and she overlooked the validity of my very real objections to some of his very real, um, eccentricities.
Fortunately, I got out before he persuaded me to dress up as Princess Leia.
These days, DH and his therapist are urging me to start joining his sessions. I agreed to go to the next one, then she said she wanted to meet with me alone first. For €100/50 min, I don't think so honey! Plus I get really belligerent with therapists, and present myself and my feelings toward DH as pretty hard and cold, so every single therapist with whom I've discussed him is adamant that I should leave him. Well, I'd like to leave him, but I'd also like to die and I'm not going to. And he's a really good cook.
Posted by Susang on August 22, 2002, at 8:09:25
In reply to Couples therapy, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2002, at 20:29:39
Dinah,
I know what you mean about character/personality style differences sometimes causing trouble in a marriage. My husband and I are so very alike in some ways but completely opposite in others which, of course, has caused us our fair share of difficulties over the years.I agree that often in marriage we have to "agree to disagree" on some things in order to peacefully and happily co-exist. If we just ignore things without first putting them out on the table for discussion, I think we run the risk of building resentment, misinterpreting intentions, or allowing issue to grow to be something that can't be ignored. Sometimes even though we may have been in a relationship for some time, we may not have a clear understanding of every one of our partner's views/needs/expectations which may also have changed over time. So I think we sometimes need to address those things that bug us to be sure we have communicated about it and there is a willingness to just let it be. Having an impartial observer there who is also skilled in communication techniques can make this a much smoother and more productive process than going it alone. Marriage counseling with a good therapist can be a great way to help couples resolve some of those things and make a good marriage even better. Of course, you gotta find a good therapist and sometimes that isn't so easy. You are a bright and intuitive person and I'm sure you could spot a lousy therapist right away and make a switch.
I think one critical element of this is the attitude of each spouse regarding counseling. I think men in particular can be a bit skittish about counseling but I think a good counselor can draw out a reluctant participant. But sometimes if the spouse won't go, it can still be of benefit to the other one to go to counseling alone to learn new strategies of communicating, negotiating, etc..
Can it make things worse? I suppose that is a possibility if there are a lot of issues that have been festering but to me it's like cleaning out a wound; sometimes it hurts while you're doing so but in the end it will heal better. You probably don't even have a lot of "wounds", maybe just some things that could be tweaked that might make you both a lot happier.
Just MHO. Not even sure if this answered what you were really asking. Take care Dinah.
Sue
Posted by Dinah on August 22, 2002, at 9:54:44
In reply to Re: Couples therapy, posted by Susang on August 22, 2002, at 8:09:25
You know, the devil you know being better than what could possibly happen.
I'll give it some thought and talk it over with my therapist.
Posted by mair on August 22, 2002, at 13:22:14
In reply to Re: Thanks guys. I think I'm just scared., posted by Dinah on August 22, 2002, at 9:54:44
Dinah
I'd be interested to know if your spouse has ever come with you to a therapy session. My husband has attended several, however all but one were with a therapist I no longer see. He was a willing participant as long as he was being led to believe that he was there to "help" me. As soon as my last therapist tried to suggest that my husband might have a problem with his own moods that needed addressing, things got pretty ugly. I guess I'm sort of the "designated patient" in my family. It was helpful having him understand how some things he did pretty unconsciously were real triggers for me. On the other hand it's made me very gun shy about drawing him into the therapy process again. When was coming with me, it was aggravating to me that he didn't understand that he needed to be an active participant. It was like it was my therapy and he had no obligation other than to just show up and ocassionally offer a comment. Also, he has a tendency to attack (verbally of course) when he feels defensive, and a couple of the sessions got so ugly that it pretty much cured me of wanting to go through that again.
Unfortunately I've gotten to the point with my current therapist where I've started to think that the extent to which I can sustain some kind of a remission really depends on my husband and I working out some different ways of dealing with one another. I dread feeling that I may need to make him a part of the therapy process again, since I think he'd be such an unwilling and maybe rather resentful participant.
Mair
Posted by Dinah on August 22, 2002, at 14:43:34
In reply to Re: Thanks guys. I think I'm just scared. » Dinah, posted by mair on August 22, 2002, at 13:22:14
My one joint session with my husband was both funny and extremely painful to me.
Perhaps that's another reason I don't want to attend counseling.
I don't feel comfortable relating what happened, because it wasn't anything that was really horrible. Both incidents just pointed out my husband's lack of insight, psychological sophistication, and sensitivity. Which is the reason we clash in the first place. :)
He's not a bad guy, really. And I feel lucky to have him. Certainly he has even more to complain about than I do. I don't want to leave the wrong impression.
I was just wondering if couples counseling frequently caused more trouble than it solved.
Posted by .tabitha. on August 22, 2002, at 15:07:51
In reply to Couples therapy, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2002, at 20:29:39
Ignoring things, do you mean repressing awareness? Wouldn't it be better to acknowledge and accept those things? Less stressful. Easy for me to recommend, from a distance of course.
I had a dreadful experience with couples therapy that left me very hurt by both the man and the therapist. I think you would fare much better though. You would have the support of your own therapist whom you trust. Is it the same therapist? That would be scary, possibility of feeling betrayed.
Posted by Dinah on August 22, 2002, at 17:35:32
In reply to Re: Couples therapy » Dinah, posted by .tabitha. on August 22, 2002, at 15:07:51
I'm afraid it wouldn't be the same therapist.
My husband for some reason thinks my therapist would be biased, just because he found out that my therapist still snorts with laughter when he remembers our one and only joint counseling session.
Go figure. :)
Posted by .tabitha. on August 23, 2002, at 1:32:46
In reply to Re: Couples therapy » .tabitha., posted by Dinah on August 22, 2002, at 17:35:32
Better that way. Your therapist can support you through the process without messing up your relationship with him.
Posted by bookgurl99 on August 28, 2002, at 19:51:21
In reply to Couples therapy, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2002, at 20:29:39
Who knows? Maybe some good could come of it. You know, for years I've watched my parents not really connect. And the risk of having moments of clarity and discomfort seems small next to the risk of having years of passing like two ships in the night. After all, if it's easier to sweep things under the rug, you can both pretend this never happened and go back to the old ways.
You know, my gf and I just went to 'couples' counseling with her therapist. She's dealing with sexual abuse issues, and going in together helped me to understand what she's going through. I think it'll help defuse some tension around sex that we've been having. AND now we have homework around the sex stuff, so it will be dealt with. Of course, we've only been together for a year and a half, and haven't had years to build up a crust of assumptions and habits. But, like I said, what could it hurt? You can always go back to the old ways if it gets too scary.
Posted by Dinah on August 28, 2002, at 21:22:51
In reply to Re: Couples therapy » Dinah, posted by bookgurl99 on August 28, 2002, at 19:51:21
That's what I'm afraid of I guess. That things might get said that will make it impossible to back.
I don't know, I think it's better not to open that can of worms since staying together is my main goal.
My therapist is going to give me some suggestions on different ways I can react to my husband that might change how I feel about the realities. And maybe that's the best option.
Thanks,
Dinah
Posted by Medusa on August 30, 2002, at 2:50:22
In reply to Re: Couples therapy » bookgurl99, posted by Dinah on August 28, 2002, at 21:22:51
Have I already recommended _Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay_ by Mira Kirshbaum? You sound so adamant about staying together ... you might want to look at that. Examining this is scary, because you have to be open to leaving, but it'll give you some stability about your decision either way. You don't sound convinced that staying is really the best thing, or even what you want. Until you get that resolved, that uncertainty will get in the way in your relationship.
You can decide that it's best for you to leave, BUT that you want to stay together for reasons X, Y, Z. You need to know the price for this, and consciously pay it rather than slumping around and wasting your energy trying not to wake the rabid dog.
I read the book when I was thinking about leaving DH. Surprisingly, it convinced me in black and white that I had something good, that the best was to stay and work things out.
M
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